Moving and Thanks Laura!

It's getting closer to when we are going to be moving down to Springville and while it hasn't been a huge issue, it has occured to me how much further away from your grave we are going to be. Also, as excited as I am to be getting into our own place, we are also leaving the only home we ever had with you here on this earth (if you don't count the four week escapade in Syracuse when you were a baby). These things aren't you, but they are some of the few last physical ties we have with you, so it's kind of difficult to leave them behind. Of course we will still come visit your grave, but probably not as often, and as long as your dad's parents don't move, we will also be able to visit the house. On the entry way wall, there is still some of your artwork in pen! I stop and look at it every once in a while and think about how you drew all those marks! I was somewhat upset when you did it because I didn't know how to clean it off, and it's not my house, so I felt bad! But, you passed away, and I don't have the heart now to even try to get rid of it! Luckily, there is multi-colored paint behind it, so it's not super obvious! I think what makes it so hard to think about leaving it all behind is I have a hard enough time remembering my memories of you very well, so once we are in a totally new place where nothing I see was ever related to you, it'll be even harder! But, I keep reminding myself that you are wherever we are, and I know this is going to be a really good thing for our family, to finally be in our own home! I think I get a little nervous too thinking about meeting new people and wondering how you will end up coming up. I mean, when we first get there, nobody will know you even exist, so I wonder how the conversations will go when you will come up. Even though you've been gone for over 2 year, I still am not an expert on how to talk about you to others. And, most of the time when I end up telling people about you, it shocks them and they feel awkward and don't know what to say. Sometimes I know how to make the moment easier for them and me, but other times I don't, and it's just uncomfortable. I want people to know that you exist and are a part of our family, but I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That's not totally what I mean, but I'm not sure how to put it into words, exactly. I like it when people talk to me about it and express their feelings and sympathise with me, and basically understand me and what it's like, or at least the best way they can. I don't want people thinking there is something totally different with me that allows me to be able to deal with this, so they won't even try to go there, or I sometimes worry that people think I use it to get attention. Most everybody I have contact with right now knows about Caydin, so I don't have to worry about it coming up in an uncomfortable way very often. Moving to a new place, nobody knows, so I worry and wonder what and how people will find out. I worry of how others are going to take it. I wish I was strong enough to not care, or smart enough to always know how to handle those situations tactfully, but I'm not. Sometimes the conversation is easy and smooth and actually makes me feel better, but other times it's awkward, weird, and uncomfortable. I think one of my problems is knowing when to mention it. I mean, when I first meet somebody, I don't want to be like, "Hi, my name is Diana and my son died" but at the same time, when you first meet someone, typical questions are, are you married, do you have a family, how many kids do you have, and how old are they?. Up until the last question, everything is normal, but then when the last question gets asked, I usually answer something like, "Well, my oldest would be almost 5, and then we have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a 4 month old." So, then the person is either too shocked to even ask about the would be almost 5 year old, but in those cases, they usually feel really uncomfortable and the conversation ends very soon after, or they ask about it, but even then I usually get one of two reactions. One, I tell them that he passed away and they are uncomfortable and not sure what to say, so the conversation usually quickly ends, or two, they actually talk to me a little about it and ask questions or give condolences. I prefer the last scenario because it makes it feel like it is just a normal part of my life, and helps me to feel understood. But, I don't blame people for any of the other scenarios, because lets face it, when you are first meeting somebody new, talking about that right away is often a little more personal than people feel like going with a new aquaintence! Sometimes, depending on the person and how we are meeting, I'll try to avoid telling them about Caydin just to avoid the awkwardness, but moving to a new place where we will be living for at least a year, it'll probably be people I'll be in contact with more often, so I don't want it to be some secret that nobody knows about for the first 6 months! It is a part of who we are as a family, and I don't want to pretend like it isn't! Not talking about Caydin isn't helpful to me, it just makes me feel like he's forgotten, and that kills me inside! Anyway, after much rambling, I hope any of this makes sense. It's so hard sometimes to describe in words what I'm feeling on the inside. I think it's hard too because sometimes I don't even know exactly what it IS I am feeling! That being said, I wanted to also thank my cousin Laura for leaving a comment. I've wondered if anybody ever read these, and I'm so glad to hear what you said! I have lived far enough away from your family and was young enough when Trevin (I hope I spelled it right) started having his problems that honestly I don't remember him any other way. You would think I would have thought of it before, but I haven't, about how his problems have affected your family, and how in a way, you are going through the grieving process of loosing a brother. And, it would be so hard to have him here physically, but know it's not him really on the inside! I agree with you whole heartedly that I don't understand how things can ever be made totally right in the end to make up for all the hurt that is going on now, but I do believe it can and will happen, and that's a thought that I often cling to when it all just seems like it's too much! Thank you again for writing, and if anybody else does read these, please, PLEASE do not be afraid to write something, or ask a question! I feel like a school teacher when I say this, but there are no dumb questions, and nothing you could say or ask will make me feel anything I haven't already felt before, or make it worse. Even though it can be hard to recount memories or feelings, most of the time I really do feel a lot of relief from talking about it! I often feel like a balloon that is about to burst. I try to hold it in because I'm afraid it might hurt coming out, but in the end the relief I get from it was well worth any pressure or hurt I felt releasing it!!

Sickness

Isaac has been sick for over a week now, and it's been hard! First, we took him into the doctors last Friday and found out that he had an ear infection. So, we started antibiotic. But, he seemed to get worse, so we took him back in on Monday, and found out he has RSV as well! We still have a nebulizer from the last time he had it last season, so the doctor just sent us home with some sample medicine since we won't have insurance until tomorrow! Last time when he had RSV, he had a really bad day, but as soon as we started the treatments, he quickly improved and got better. This time has not been like that at all! I actually took him back in on Tuesday because he had a worse night! They gave him a treatment there, and this time gave him steriods, and we came back home. He just didn't seem like he was getting over it very well. Wednesday was a little better, but still not much, and yesterday he woke up and seemed just as bad, so I was actually planning on taking him back in, but he took a nap, and about 20 minutes before I was going to take him in, he woke up and actually showed a lot of improvement! So, I didn't take him in! He's still had a bad cough that makes him dry-heave, and he's still been cranky, but finally he's at least playing and eating a little bit of some things! It was so hard, though, because for the 3 days that he was really sick I was debating all the time whether or not to take him into the ER or not. I hated having to feel so responsible for his well-being just because I was afraid of messing up and having some huge consequence happen to him because of it! But, at the same time, I didn't want to just rush him to the ER because I know what they would have had to do to him, and I know how much it would have traumatized him, and me, and I didn't want to do it unless he really needed it! So, I was so paranoid about if he was okay the whole time, but I was also super paranoid about going in! It was probably more exhausting mentally than physically! I'm so grateful he's finally feeling better! But, now EmmaLee woke up congested and coughing a little today, and I am sooooo hoping she doesn't come down with it because as hard of a time as Isaac had with it, EmmaLee would probably take it much harder because she's still so little. It scares me, even though I try not to let it, to think of any of my children in the hospital, especially with lung related issues! Even though you choked and were probably brain dead, technically you passed away from being incredibly sick from after effects of choking. You had a TON of fluid in your lungs, and the whole time we were in the hospital with you before you passed away, it was your lungs that were being treated and causing so many problems! We finally made the decision to let you go because it was your lungs that were having problems. Your oxygen levels started to drop and inspite the best efforts of the doctors, they were having a hard time keeping your lungs from basically drowning in fluid. They were down to one last possibility, but it involved taking out the respirator, which would have been extremely messy and physically traumatizing to your poor little body, and there was a much greater chance you wouldn't survive the procedure than it actually working. I remember standing over you and listening to the specialists talking about it and trying to decide if they should attempt it, and as I thought about it, I just knew I couldn't let them do that to you; you'd been through enough! That was the moment I knew I was going to have to let you go. I emotionally told them no, they couldn't do that to you. We already knew you were brain dead and had pretty much a 0% chance of ever living a normal life. Even if you had survived, you would have been a vegetable the rest of your life and pretty much on some kind of life support for the rest of that life, however long it would have been. So, it was at that time we made the decision to stop one of your medications. You're heart was the only organ in your body that was functioning even somewhat under it's own power, and even then it was only happening because of a medication. We know that because the night before you passed away, they had to replace the medication packet, which literally stopped the flow of that medicine into your body for about 5 seconds, and when that happened, you crashed, and they had to code blue you and start CPR. We were actually talking to the doctor about something in the room when it happened, and I remember him looking at us while they were trying to stabalize you again and asking us if we wanted them to continue trying or just let him go. I remember just crying and not knowing what to do, and Rob told him that he did want them to keep trying. It only took a few minutes, but they did stabalize you again, but it was so hard to sit there and watch it that your dad and I decided that if it happened again, we would just let you go. So, when they were talking about the respirator treatment, all I could picture in my head was another incident like that and loosing you in such a dramatic situation, and I couldn't do it. I wanted you to be able to pass away peacefully, not in a caotic, high tense situation, surrounded by strangers doing their best to keep you here when it wasn't meant to be. So, we decided it was time to let fate happen. The next decision we had to make was how to let everything happen. If we did nothing, all your vitals were just slowing down and starting to fail, like your oxygen intake. It was like watching you die slowely, and we had no idea how long it would take. It could have taken only a couple of hours, or it could have taken a couple of days! It seemed more cruel to me to let you go so slowely like that, so we asked what would happen if we took you off your heart medication. They said it would be peaceful, and would probably happen within a couple of minutes. I also felt like if you were meant to stay, since it was the one thing that you were somewhat doing on your own, your heart would keep beating even without the medication. So, we decided to stop the medication. But, before we did that, we let everyone who was at the hospital come in and say good-bye. Up to this point, the closest I had been able to be to you was laying by your side because you had so many things hooked up to your poor broken body that were so important that we couldn't risk anything pulling them off. Well, when we made this decision, they actually let us hold you. So, your dad and I took turns holding you for the next little while; I don't remember for sure how long it was. Time kind of didn't exsist for me at this time. Finally, Rob and I got a few minutes with you byourselves, and then we actually invited all the family back in again for your last few minutes with us on this earth. I remember holding you and once they stopped the medicine, watching your #'s and watching them drop lower and lower, until they finally stopped. I knew you had gone because a little bit of fluid came up into the tubing in your mouth, like it was a last sigh. But, I still had to ask the nurse, and when she confirmed it, I remember just burying my head into your still little body and just sobbing. So, when your siblings get sick and we have to worry and check their oxygen levels, it really brings back memories of loosing you, and it's really hard and stressful! It has almost the same amount of emotion as when someone chokes. It's like you died from two things, and I don't handle those two problems well now. So, I really hope EmmaLee doesn't get sick because I think I'm all emotioned out from trying to deal with Isaac!

Miss You

I don't think I can say much. I just miss you so much again lately! I've struggled a lot lately with thinking of how things could be if you were still here, and it just hurts so much! I've been feeling more anger lately as well, which I haven't had a lot of this whole time you've been gone. When I start to think of how things could be but then remember and know that they can't be that way right now, I start to feel some anger that I don't get to have you right now. I know things will be okay, and I know I'll get to see you again, and everything will be made right and even be better than they could have been right now, but it's still so hard right now to not get to see you, or have you here. Someone once sent me an e-mail that was a "be thankful for what you have" type of an e-mail, and one thing it mentioned was to be grateful you can tuck your children into their beds instead of having to visit their graves, or something like that. I've never forgotten that because it made me feel so many emotions. I'm not even sure I could describe all of my feelings, but a couple of stronger ones I had from reading that statement was feeling grateful that people acknowledged how hard it is to loose a child, and how much it really affects their whole life. I don't get to read you bedtime stories. I get to visit your grave. I don't get to see you right now. I get to try to remember my quickly fading memories of you, or watch home video or look at pictures that will never increase to include more, at least not for a long time. I have some bitter feelings from that e-mail, but only because I hate that I had to loose you and that it's true for me! I don't get to be grateful that I don't have to visit my child's grave instead of tucking him into bed! I hate being angry about loosing you because I would never wish to take away the glory that is now yours and make you come back or wish you back to this sin filled, trial ridden world!! I just miss you so much sometimes that I get tired of trying to be brave and strong. But, what's hard is that even when I'm tired, it doesn't change anything. As hard as it is sometimes to be strong and have faith, it's honestly harder to not be that way because then I loose my hope as well, and that's the darkest place to be. But, even with faith, I still miss your company, and I can't wait for the day when we get to be together again!

Halloween

This is a picture of you on your last Halloween here. We dressed you up as Matt Payne from the BYU football team! He was the kicker, but he was tough and we liked to watch him play! You were such a fan of sports, and this home made costume looked so cute on you! It is still one of my favorite costumes for all my kids because we spent the time to make it for you. You had a lot of fun trick-or-treating with Thomas and Laurie, and at the carnival. I hate to go here, but I wonder what you would have been the last two Halloweens if you were still here? What would you be into? So many of the kids at Thomas and Laurie's school who are in kindergarten were Spiderman! It was weird to see them in the Halloween parade because they looked so small and young! You wouldn't have been in kindergarten until next year, but some of those little kids would have been in your primary class age group, and were less than a year older than you would have been! The more time that passes the weirder it is to me to think of how I would be the mom of a 3 year old boy, and then a 4 year old boy, and this January, you would have turned 5! I try not to let myself go here much because it is so hard for me when I get stuck in the "what could have been" thoughts. I find myself going there more and more because my memories are fading, yet I still think of you everyday. So, instead of thinking of specific memories, I find myself thinking of now, and what might have been. I still have to remind myself and push myself to think of how you REALLY are right now, an amazing spirit on the other side doing amazing things I'm sure! And, I'm sure you are around watching over us and your siblings. I wonder if EmmaLee especially gets to see you often. I sometimes think about days ahead when your siblings will ask about you and I'll get to tell them what a special brother they have! I really miss you!!! I think I need to try to go to the temple sometime soon because I always feel more comforted after going there, partly because I always feel closer to you when I go there! I always hope that I'll have a dream about you, or some kind of special experience where I will get to feel you close, or even get to see you! I know it's possible, I just don't know if it's something I'll get to experience in this life. And, even if I do, who knows when it might happen! I'll probably never stop hoping for the chance until I do get to see you again, whether here or meeting on the other side! I love you my son!

Always thinking of you

I haven't been able to post on here for a long time! Having another baby has made it very difficult to get onto the internet, and it's hard to post on here because it's usually something emotional for me, and I don't want to rush it or try to post when I'm stressed out about kids! But, I don't get a lot of free moments to write when it's not rushed! Your anniversary day has come and gone. I can't believe it's already been over 2 years since we last got to see and hold you! How I miss you! The memory of your accident hit all too close the other week when a friends little girl choked, and for the few seconds it took for her to get the mint up, it felt like I was reliving the horrible moments when you didn't get the bacon back up. Nobody seems to realize how quickly it can really happen, and how close we all can be to death! I still try to remind myself in those situations that what I experienced and went through is not what you went through. I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you again! I love you!

Just Thinking

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, but I was just thinking about you. Your little brother is starting to get older and bigger, and reminding me more of you. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have you hear still, how you and Eden would get along and how you would be with your little brother. In less than 3 weeks you will be the oldest brother of 3 siblings, and you would have only been 4 1/2! Your dad and I were talking the other day about how you would have started kindergarten not this August, but next August! It's weird to think that we'd have had a kid in real school! But, someday we will still get that opportunity to raise you, and it will be wonderful! In the meantime, I know you look out for us and your siblings, and it awes me to think about how strong and glorious you must be! We are getting closer to your 2 year mark. I hope I can focus on all the positives and not get down. I mean, Eden's birthday is coming up, and then we're going to have a new baby, and hopefully dad will be getting a new job which will allow us to move into our own place finally, and I know you want us to be happy!

July

July and just summer in general can be a really hard time for me. You passed away right at the end of the summer, so my last and freshest memories of you are from doing all our summer activities. So, when we start doing summer things, I remember doing similar things with you, and it's the last memories I have. We still haven't ever been able to go camping again, and I'm not sure when we will. I mean, we've gone and stayed at more outdoor places, but only in a lodge, or motel or something like that. I think I worry a lot more about camping now with your siblings because that was the situation we were in when you had your accident. I think we will go camping again, but I think it will be a bitter/sweet experience. Also, it is just hard to camp with young children, and especially when I'm pregnant! But, I grew up camping and I love the outdoors, and I know you did too, so I'm sure that will still end up being a part of our family life. I don't want your siblings to not get to enjoy camping and being outdoors just because breaking the ice and trying to go again for the first time might be hard for me! I know it's possible, though, and I know part of that being able to go again is in my having faith that you went because it was your time to go, and we just happened to be camping when it happened. If I have enough faith to trust in Heavenly Father that he will protect my family no matter where we are, it won't be so scary. I mean, you didn't have to be camping to choke on something. It could have and had a better chance of happening at home! Anyway, to be honest, whenever I think of the month of July, my first thoughts are actually seeing the computer file of our pictures titled July 2005, and it means something to me because I know that's where almost all of your last pictures are! The picture I posted today came from that file! It was when we went up to Bear Lake with Bonnies family and stayed in Allan's mom's condo. We had a lot of fun on that trip. We went through the cave, and you were such a little trooper for that and wanted to walk for most of it! It didn't scare you, even when they turned the lights out for just a few seconds at the back. I remember holding on to the rail and walking back towards the light and thinking to myself how much it was similar to the iron rod and walking back towards the light of Christ. Little did we know that only a month later, and in the same town, you would go back to the light of Christ and to your Heavenly Father. How wonderful that must have been for you! I can't wait until we get to join you there and we can be reunited! I know you must be doing important and wonderful things. I wish I knew what you were doing and who you were helping! I know it must be marvelous! Thank you for being my son! I love you!

Hard Times

This has turned out to be a hard month! Both your dad and I really got hit with a missing you horribly spell this month. We always miss you, but as time goes, we take comfort in knowing where you are, and we are getting used to not having you around. You are always in our thoughts, but this last month I've had times where I felt like we just lost you recently and so the pain of not getting to see you physically has been really strong. Besides how hard it is trying to deal with just missing you, when we get this way, both your dad and I get a lot more paranoid with your siblings! I have a lot more fears of loosing them as well come up and it gets really stressful to do almost anything! Ironically, I find myself almost being a worse mom to them because I am so uptight and worried about everything all the time that I loose my patience really quickly because I'm so stressed out! Then I instantly feel guilty because I think and remember how lucky I am just to have them here, but then that guilt adds to my stress, and lets just say after a day of this, I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown! It's hard too because your dad and I seem to hit these phases at the same time, so we aren't able to help each other as much as we want, and sometimes add even more stress to each other! I think one thing that came up that might have stirred up some of our feelings was that Hailey wanted to have her birthday party up at her Grandma's condo at Bear Lake. All the family was invited, but of course we didn't want to go. I think everyone understood, but just having to bring it up and in a sense justify our feelings made us think back to your accident, which is always hard. For me, it was like it really hit me again what we went through and what happened to you. Most days, now, I am okay with the thoughts of how things are right now, that you are in Heaven, a wonderful and glorious spirit, helping to watch out for us, and still a part of our family, just in a different way. When I go back to the accident, the horror of my side of the experience always comes up, no matter how hard I try to not let it, and I remember how different it was to have you here with us where I could see you, hold you, and love you in person! Then it gets really hard. So, I think the reminder of Bear Lake and why we didn't want to go up there was kind of like a slap in the face of how things were and could have been. Ironically, after the emotion we felt from the whole thing, nobody ended up going up there! Helmut felt the same as we did and decided he didn't want to go, and Scott and Shawnee's family ended up not going, so Hailey and her family ended up going to a lake for the day anyway! I'm not mad at anyone for what happened, it was just one of those things that will happen occasionally that are going to be hard to not feel emotional about. Bear Lake is a great place, and we had a lot of fun there, and I understand other people, even in our family, will probably go there for things, but I think it's one place I just don't ever want to go again! I know I could probably get over it, but with so many other places we could go, I just don't feel like taking that one on! It took me a few times fishing again before I could go and not start crying at some point because it was something we did so much with you that you loved so much! Now I feel closer to you when I go fishing. With Bear Lake, the hard part is that while we have good memories of you there, we also have the hardest memories from there, and that won't change. With things like just fishing, they were good memories and I just cried because they reminded me of you, and it made me miss you. With Bear Lake, the memories forever burned in my head from there are nightmare ones that I don't care to relive! I'm not dramatic enough to say that I could never survive going to Bear Lake again because I know it wouldn't be that horrible, but I know it would be very emotional and hard, and why create those feelings if I don't need to? I mean, if I never go to Bear Lake again for the rest of my life, what difference does it make? I don't feel like it would be theraputic for me, so why create all those emotions and feelings when I don't need to. There are lots of places to go for vacation, and a vacation would be the only reason I would ever need to go to Bear Lake! It doesn't sound like a vacation to me, so I don't think I'll ever go back! I have to admit that I'm grateful that it did happen so far away and at a place I don't have to go or see everyday. It was hard at first to even be home where we had so many memories of you and where we noticed your absence so greatly, but at the same time, they were good memeories that reminded us of you. The memories of the accident are not that way, and will never be, so I'm glad I don't have daily reminders of what happened. I was so glad when Helmut and Shirley sold their trailer and I didn't have to see it or walk by it everytime we went out front or to the car! I never did go in it again! Anyway, I don't want to keep going on this negative streak. Hopefully I can feel closer to you soon in a positive way! Bonnie is going through the temple tomorrow for her endowments, and I'm sure it is something you will be at! I always look forward to going to the temple knowing that I have an even better chance of feeling close to you, but especially at family things, like weddings, and things like this!

2 years ago

I found a picture from June of 2005, two years ago from around now, and about 2 months before your accident. Guess what, we were doing a lot of the same things we are doing now! We were visiting places, ponds, and just enjoying nature! You loved to be outside and exploring! You were usually always pretty good about staying right with us as well! It's weird to me to see this picture because you were a toddler and Eden was a baby, and now our pictures are very similar, Eden's a toddler, and Isaac is a baby! The two differences are that you aren't here as a young child, and I'm pregnant again and about to have another baby! It was hard for me last summer to want to go out to places like we did with you because it reminded me so much of you it was hard. Now I think enough time has passed that while going outdoors still reminds me of you, it is a sweet memory and makes me feel closer to you. I feel like you get to be with us often, and especially when we go outdoors, since it was something you enjoyed so much when you were here! I sure miss you buddies! I've been struggling again lately a bit with memories of your accident. I don't like thinking about it, but I think sometimes I subconciously go there because while they are so emotional, because it was such a traumatic experience, it is also stronger in my memory and sometimes it's the clearest memories I still have of you! So, on one hand they are horrible memories, they are also the clearest and sometimes where I can remember you the best and you seem the most real to me again! It's really bothered me that it's taken me so long to remember experiences with you. It's like after you passed away, my brain was so shocked I formed some sort of amnesia that kept me from remembering you and what it was like to be your mom! It's started to come back to me, but only gradually, which is probably how it is suppose to be because if it all came back, it would be so overwhelming for me I'd probably not be able to deal with it! Anyway, I'm not sure I can deal with all these emotions right now, so I'd better leave things alone right now, but I love you and can't wait for the day I get to hold you in my arms again! Thank you for being so wonderful!

Memorial Day

So, another Memorial Day has come and gone, thank goodness!! I realized this year that Memorial Day, your birthday, and the date of your passing are probably three of the hardest days for me! I really want to change that, though! I've decided that on your birthdays, I really want them to be happy. I want to have them be a day of celebration that you were born to us and are a part of our family! I don't want to ever think of it as "you would have been ** years old" type of a day. I mean, I will always know which birthday it would have been for you, but it's too hard for me to think of it what could have been. Instead, I just want to focus on that day about you as a person, spirit, and permanent part of our family, and remember you and celebrate what is true and what really is. I mean, you fulfilled your mission here on earth, and that all started with the pre-existance, your birth here, and then your death here, which led to eternal glory for you where you are now! How wonderful and lucky I am as your mother here on earth to get to be a part of that journey with you! That's what I want to celebrate and think of on your birthdays. Hopefully that will help that day not be so hard. As for the day you passed away, about the only positive with that one is to try to focus on your side of the experience, that you passed your test and earned eternal salvation, but it's probably always going to be a hard day. It seems no matter how I try, when I think of that day, or when it starts to come up, I remember a lot more of my experience of the whole thing, and they aren't fun thoughts! Hopefully I'll get better at controlling my thoughts as time goes by. As for Memorial Day, I once again found myself feeling down and sad, almost like I thought I was "suppose" to because that's what that day is for! But, I realized this year that it doesn't need to be like that. I enjoy visiting the graves of other ancestors who have gone, but most of them I never knew, or was so young that I really didn't know them anyway. I think it's a great day to enjoy focusing on family history and making the effort to visit and think of those that might have gone before, but as for you, it should be a day just like any other! I mean, we visit your grave at least once a week, most of the time more than that, so it's nothing new or different for us to go put something on your grave, and we think about you daily, so it's not like we need a reminder to do so! I have to admit, though, that while I like visiting other graves with family, I wasn't able to do so with your grave. I think it's still so close and personal that for your dad and I, we just couldn't bring ourselves to go there with everybody else because we didn't know how everybody else was going to act, or what they were going to say, and we worried about getting too emotional about it, or getting offended over something we shouldn't just because we would have been so sensitive. There are some people I wouldn't mind going to your grave with, but others are still difficult to do it with. I'm glad they went, but I wasn't ready to go with them. We took flowers up to your grave last Friday night, and we did go by on Sunday after everyone else was already gone, but once again, it was almost weird to have so many people around! We visit so often, and usually there might be only one other person there, if that! It seemed almost caotic with so many people around, and we are more used to spending our time there with more peace and privacy! I'm glad people come, but it was almost sad to me that people often only take that one day of the year to make an effort to go visit and think about some of these people. I know I'm guilty of it as well, and I understand more if it's an ancestor that's been gone for a long time, or that you never knew personally, but I think it can still be hard for me that so many close family members of our family don't even take the time to visit your grave, even on Memorial Day, let alone every other day of the year! I think there are some people who are pretty close who haven't even been back since your funeral! But, I know I have to be careful because you aren't at your grave, you are in Heaven, and it is more important to just remember you and try to feel close to you anytime and anywhere than to think it can only happen if you visit a grave. I think about the pioneers who had to bury loved ones along a trail, or bury them at sea, and they never got to revisit a grave! An ancestor on your Grandma Dickey's side was traveling to the US on a boat with her two small children. One child got sick and died on the boat, and she had to bury him at sea. Then, just days before they reached land, her other child also passed away, but she couldn't bring herself to bury him at sea as well, so she hid him until they reached land and then she buried him. I cried when I read this story, and my heart just broke for this ancestor who I haven't met, but I had to remind myself that she has been reunited with both of her children and carries that pain no longer! How wonderful! She has had her happy reunion with her beloved children! I can't wait for that day for us! I wonder if you have met them, and I'm sure you have! How cool! Anyway, I hope Memorial Day doesn't continue to be a day that I struggle with feeling happy!

Sore Spot

I have to get this out because it's something that comes up occasionally that hurts that I don't quite know how to deal. Every once in a while I get emails from friends that have some "important" message about how to keep kids safe from some harm that nobody knew about before. Usually there's some tragic story of a family that had some horrible thing happen to one of their kids, and now they are trying to get the message out to others so the same thing doesn't happen to their kids. Honestly, I understand why they want to tell people, and on one hand I can see where letting people know about things really is important. But, on the other hand, I am a person that HAS been through a horrible incident that I never dreamed could happen, and sometimes I disagree with the way things are talked about or dealt with. I think part of the problem is that when I read about other people's experiences, it's too close to home and brings up emotions stronger than I am sometimes able to handle. I mean, I sympathise with the people completely, but there's nothing I can do from reading an email to help them or comfort them, so all it does in the end is make me sad. And, what's hard about just reading the sad story is that you don't see the people now and see that even though things are sooooo hard, life does go on and things happen for a reason! All you are left with is sadness for the family with no closure in it for you for them, and a new fear of some horrible thing that you now have to try to prevent from happening to your children and loved ones! One big thing I had to learn very quickly after loosing Caydin was to not fear life. I mean, Caydin died eating something that he'd eaten many times before, and that I never even thought was a choking hazard. He was eating! How many times in a day do we all eat food, most of it something that needs to be chewed, and it killed my son! All the time after he died, and still at least once a day, I think about how we are eating or have to eat, and how just by doing that simple and necessary act, we could all literally be a minute away from death!!! How intimidating is that!!! And, what do you do to prevent it? Make sure you and your family only ever eat puree for the rest of our lives?! Not very realistic, or appatizing! Unless I wanted to go insane with fear and panic, I had to figure out some way to not let it scare me. I had to turn to the Lord and ask for help and strength, and what it came down to for me was having enough faith to truely believe that those who are doing their best to live the best life they can will not be taken from this earth until it is their time. And then, if and when it is their time, it will happen, one way or the other. Children are innocent, so any child that dies, dies pure and only when it is their time. Heavenly Father can prevent anything for anybody, but sometimes it isn't His will, and when that happens, we just have to trust Him that he loves all of us unconditionally and that in the end, things will be all right. We might not know how He can fix them, but He can and will, and we just have to trust in His love for us, and our loved ones. People are imperfect, and this world is imperfect, so imperfect things will happen, but God knows all and will get us through anything if we turn to Him and trust in Him with all our hearts. Healing might not come completely till the next life, but we have that to look forward to at least! And, in the meantime, while we know we need to do our best and gain as much knowledge as possible, there does come a time when I think we need to just let it go and trust that Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost will let us know when we need to take extra precautions or go do something! I think another reason it can be hard for me to get advice emails is because I felt like I had the knowledge of how to save my son, but it was his time to go, so even though I had that knowledge, it wasn't enough to save him. I know that's not a reason to not seek or learn knowledge, but I learned that even having knowledge won't prevent or change something if it's not meant to. There are so many things that could happen every minute of every day that to pick out just a few things to fear more than others is only creating fear and worry and making it harder to just enjoy the minutes and days we do have with our children and loved ones because we never know how long we have with any of them! Anyway, I know that the friends and people that send the emails are only doing it because they love their children and wouldn't want anything to happen to them, and they feel a certain responsibility to share information once they learn of it, so I don't feel mad or angry at them. It's just hard because while I understand why they do it, it doesn't make it any easier for me to know exactly how to deal with it and the emotions it creates in me. I think some of it might be that when I read them, I do feel panic and fear, and have to remind myself and reteach myself what I learned with Caydin. It's like I go back to ground zero with my emotions of that incident, and like I said, because the emails only tell of the peoples sadness and rarely of how they are dealing with it and moving on, they are usually very depressing and sad. It's like watching a movie with a sad ending, you leave feeling sad an depressed and hopeless when in most cases, that's not even how the family ends up feeling! Yes it's emotional and sad, and you never really "get over" it, but the story doesn't end with the tragedy. It goes on, and I truely believe will have a happy ending, but not completely until the next life when we all get to be reunited again! I do feel very much for people that have been through tragedies that don't have the gospel, or even any kind of religion! That would be a situation where I think it would be very difficult to be able to find any kind of comfort, and where in an effort to find some kind of closure or purpose in what happened, they would feel like letting people know what happened to them to help prevent it from happening to somebody else would become a major goal and focus in life. If you believe that life is just random and that there isn't a loving God who you can trust, helping others to prevent a certain situation would seem like a huge deal! And, I know there are things that should be taught to people and knowledge is important! I just think, at least for me, there is a certain line where it goes from good prevention knowledge to just simply spreading more worry and fear.

Where You Are

Last night was a little tough because I had to try to explain to Eden how you used to live here with us, but how you now live in Heaven! Eden is finally getting old enough I think to start understanding a little more about what happened to you. Your dad was missing you last night, and when I told Eden that he was just missing Caydin, Eden tried to give him a "pretend" Caydin. We've told Eden before that you can be with us all the time in our hearts, but I think it's confused her a little so she doesn't quite understand that when we miss you, it's because you were and are a real person. So, when Eden tried to give your dad a pretend Caydin, I tried to explain to her that while you can be with us in our hearts all the time, sometime we just miss being able to hold you and give you hugs and kisses. It was hard to talk about because saying it out loud that we don't get to hold you made the emotions even stronger. I'm sure it's actually better for us to talk about, even though it makes us sad, because when we hold it inside, it tends to build up until we finally blow with major emotions! It's kind of funny because as time passes, I think I somewhat have things figured out on how to deal with what's happened, but then things come up that catch me off guard that present new struggles and I have to figure out how to deal with them! I've known that eventually there would come a time when your siblings will get old enough that I will have to talk to them about you and what happened, and answer their questions about things. I just hope when those times come, I will be able to say the right things in the right way!

Sleeping

I've been thinking a lot lately on how you used to sleep, or how you used to not sleep! So far you have been my worse sleeper! You didn't like to go to bed, and you didn't like to stay asleep at night, and you didn't like naps! The only time you slept well was in the mornings, thus why we still are not early morning people! I remember walking you in the afternoons because you were so tired but just wouldn't go to sleep! I would walk back and forth and everytime I passed a mirror, I'd be looking at you to see if you were out yet! I also remember at night finally just laying down to try to sleep, and you'd come over and touch my face, or just put your face right next to mine and I'd wake up with you 2 inches away! Even though it was hard at the time, I look back on all this now with longing! Maybe because they were hard, they're also some of my clearest memories of you, which now I cherish! You used to get night terrors, and a lot of the times the only way we could get you to pull out of them was to take you into the other room and turn on cartoons. I learned really fast most of the programing on during the night! Most of the time we turned on one of your favorite tapes because most of the time, there is nothing on during the middle of the night! I would get so frustrated at having to get up with you, but thank heavens I learned to just accept it and would turn on your cartoon, close the door so you couldn't leave, and lay on the poof pillow and doze till you would finally go back to sleep, usually at least an hour or two later! I've wondered before if you had such a hard time sleeping because you knew your time was short and didn't want to waste any of it sleeping! While I'm hoping the trend continues with your siblings that they continue to be better sleepers, I am glad I have some of those memories of you, and would love to have that problem again with you as opposed to just missing you! I have to admit as well that I sometimes have to struggle with some of my thoughts because often when I look at your siblings sleeping, they look so peaceful that it reminds me of seeing your body in your casket, and I have to fight the urge of shaking them awake! I watch very closely to make sure that they are still breathing! I have to remind myself that you are in a better place, and that it was your time to go, and that if anything ever happened to one of your siblings, it would be the same for them, so I need to quit worrying about it and send those negative thoughts away! Your dad and I went to the temple last night, and I felt the spirit telling me that while we were doing the work on our side, you got to help the people we were doing the work for on the other side! That was really neat! It's a family effort on both sides! I need to go to the temple more often! I remember going to the temple a couple of months after you passed away and sitting in the Celestrial room feeling really peaceful and comforted, and the spirit helped me to realize that where you are has the same feeling all the time! It helps me so much when I think of you and where you are and what you are doing that whatever it is, you are in a place of peace and glory, and you get to be there all the time! How wonderful! I try to think of that whenever thoughts of the accident and the trama of the whole thing come back and try to haunt me. I try to remember that what you experienced at that time was very different from what I experienced, and I try to focus on that part of such a righteous spirit returning again to his Heavenly Father having passed the test so wonderfully! I hope someday I can see for myself what your experience was like!

We've started to go fishing more again this year. We didn't go very much last year. For me, it was still a little too close to you. I couldn't go without thinking about you so much it hurt. I have to admit that I've been more paranoid about outdoor activities since your accident happened while we were camping. I have to fight negative and fearful thoughts about Eden and Isaac. I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father is in charge and that fear comes from Satan. I also find comfort when I think and remember that you are also there to help watch over us. Eden has had a few blessings where she was told that you were watching out for her and would be with her as she grew, and I'm sure that's true for all your siblings! I can't let the fear and trama of what happened to you keep me from living life, or letting your siblings enjoy activities as well. I'll always be more careful than ever, but I have to let go at a point and just trust in Heavenly Father that He is in charge and as long as we live the best we can, he will always take care of us! I miss you like crazy, but I'm grateful to have you on the other side watching over us as well! I love you!

Eden

I think Eden has been close to you lately. The other morning when I got her up and she was still half sleeping, she asked where you were, and I told her you were with Heavenly Father, and she started crying and asking me over and over where you were and that she wanted you. The only way I could finally calm her down was to get the mold of your hand next to hers and show it to her. I showed her your lock of hair glued to it as well, and she finally calmed down. Not 30 seconds later, when I asked her about you again, it was like she had totally forgotten. She's also been "playing" with you lately. Last night you were running with her in the house, and this morning she wanted you to go bye-bye with us. Before these times, she really hasn't done this before, where she seemed to see you or be close to you. She knew who you were from pictures and talked about you, but she never talked about you in this way. I love that she is, but it's hard too because it's so unexpected. I hope she keeps talking about you and that you and she always stay close. I know you love her very much and are watching out for her. I felt so sad that you wouldn't be able to grow up together and that she wouldn't know how much you love her, but now I see that in some form, you will grow up together, and that makes me very happy! It's kind of hard just because it makes me think more about what could have been, and it makes me think a lot more about you which makes me miss you so very much! But, I know you will always be a part of our lives, and your siblings lives! I hope you are having fun teaching your new little sister all about our family! I love you!

For Caydin

I decided that I needed someplace where I could go and write whatever I wanted and needed to about Caydin. I try to write in my journal, but I don't do very well with it. I'm a much faster typer, so I have more time to write what I want on the computer than in my journal, so I decided to start a blog in memory of Caydin. I also like that I can post pictures to it so I can see him as well as write about him. So, this is for you Buddies! I love you!!