Miss You

I don't think I can say much. I just miss you so much again lately! I've struggled a lot lately with thinking of how things could be if you were still here, and it just hurts so much! I've been feeling more anger lately as well, which I haven't had a lot of this whole time you've been gone. When I start to think of how things could be but then remember and know that they can't be that way right now, I start to feel some anger that I don't get to have you right now. I know things will be okay, and I know I'll get to see you again, and everything will be made right and even be better than they could have been right now, but it's still so hard right now to not get to see you, or have you here. Someone once sent me an e-mail that was a "be thankful for what you have" type of an e-mail, and one thing it mentioned was to be grateful you can tuck your children into their beds instead of having to visit their graves, or something like that. I've never forgotten that because it made me feel so many emotions. I'm not even sure I could describe all of my feelings, but a couple of stronger ones I had from reading that statement was feeling grateful that people acknowledged how hard it is to loose a child, and how much it really affects their whole life. I don't get to read you bedtime stories. I get to visit your grave. I don't get to see you right now. I get to try to remember my quickly fading memories of you, or watch home video or look at pictures that will never increase to include more, at least not for a long time. I have some bitter feelings from that e-mail, but only because I hate that I had to loose you and that it's true for me! I don't get to be grateful that I don't have to visit my child's grave instead of tucking him into bed! I hate being angry about loosing you because I would never wish to take away the glory that is now yours and make you come back or wish you back to this sin filled, trial ridden world!! I just miss you so much sometimes that I get tired of trying to be brave and strong. But, what's hard is that even when I'm tired, it doesn't change anything. As hard as it is sometimes to be strong and have faith, it's honestly harder to not be that way because then I loose my hope as well, and that's the darkest place to be. But, even with faith, I still miss your company, and I can't wait for the day when we get to be together again!