So, we've been in our new home now for almost 3 weeks! At first the days were going by really slow, but now it seems like it's going by pretty fast! So far we haven't told anyone about you. The first Sunday we were here we only went to Sacrament, and really didn't talk to anybody. Last week we stayed for classes, and in RS, they asked me to introduce myself, so I told them my name, where we were from, and how many were in our family. It was kind of funny because when I said I had 4 kids, a couple of different people said things all at the same time. One lady next to me started saying that I should tell how old they all were, and for a split second I worried because I wasn't quite sure I wanted to explain to everyone on that first meeting about loosing you, so I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but right after she said that, a few other people started saying things, including one lady who had noticed EmmaLee in her car seat next to me, and she was telling everyone that I had one right here with me. It was kind of funny, actually, like it was a treasure hunt or something and she'd found the gold! Anyway, it distracted everyone enough that the lady conducting basically just summed it up saying that I had one with me and some in Primary. I said yes and sat down! So, nobody knows yet about you! The RS precidency tried to stop by yesterday to say hi, but they came right when Rob had a church basketball game, so we were at the church watching him play! So, they just left a little note. To be honest, I'm not sure which way I'd rather have it happen, in some mass way like it almost happened in RS, or individually. I guess it would kind of depend on the way they responded, which I won't ever know until it just happens! I've missed not being able to go to your grave since we've moved. I know you aren't there, but I still miss it just the same. I have felt like you've been able to be here with us, though. I find myself thinking about you randomly, and I wonder if it's because you happen to be here at that moment! A couple of days ago I laid EmmaLee down on the floor by the computer, and then I went into the other room for a couple of minutes, and while I was in the other room, I heard EmmaLee just laughing! I came in to see why, and she was just staring up at some random spot on the ceiling and just laughing! I wondered and hoped that maybe you were here talking to her, and I wished sooooo bad that I knew for sure and that I could see for myself if you were! In situations like that, I like to think that you are here, but sometimes I can almost get mad because I want to know for sure. I don't just want to think it's true so I can feel good inside if it's not really true! I know you must be able to come around sometimes, but there have been very few times when I have known for a fact that you really were around. There have been a lot of times when I have suspected you were, but I didn't know if it was the spirit whispering to me that you were, or just me wishing and hoping you were. In fact, I think there's really only been one experience where I knew without a doubt you were there, and I even had a witness! When my cousin Cody and his wife Karina got sealed in the Manti temple, I know you were there. We had to stand in the Celestial room for a few minutes before we got to go into the sealing room, and I remember standing next to your dad and talking to some family member about some totally unrelated thing when I suddenly got hit with the strongest impression that you were there. I even told your dad that you were there. That was special enough, but then we went into the sealing room, and the sealer started. Right at the beginning when he started talking, he was talking about how special this was, and then he point blank said that if there were any family members who had gone on before for us to know that they were there with us at that time! He didnt' say it exactly like that , but when he said it, I had to bow my head because I couldn't hold the tears back! And, a lot of family in the room looked at me when he said it because they all knew that Caydin was there as well, and lets just say there weren't a whole lot of dry eyes in the room. It was pretty special! So, since then, I have often wondered if when I randomly start thinking about you, if that means you are nearby. But, then I think that of course I'm going to think about you often, and I'm not sure you are able to be here every single time! So, then I wondered when you are, and when you are not. I also wonder if you can hear my thoughts or not. I mean, if I say something to you in my head, do you hear it? I know Heavenly Father and Jesus can hear my thoughts and know all, but how does it work with someone like you? Are you granted that priviledge of knowing what I say to you in my head, or would I have to say it out loud, and would you have to be present? Something tells me that you know how I am feeling, but I don't understand the connection really, and how much of one is there. I've read a lot of quotes, and books written by the general authorities, but I've never found anything that really addresses this topic. I mean, I remember one account by somebody whose either mother or father was having an extremely hard time dealing with the loss of their son, and I think the son came to them somehow and told them to not grieve for them so much, or something like that. So, I know they can know how we are feeling, but is it just from observation, or is there a bigger, deeper connection? And, if there is a bigger, deeper connection, is it only one sided? I don't feel your emotions. I mean, I know you are probably very happy, and in a very peaceful, spiritual and wonderful place, but even when I knew you were in the room, I didn't "feel" you. I think I wish I could feel you almost more than anything else! I feel the holy ghost, but I don't feel you. It's like talking to someone on the phone with a bad connection where you know they are there and can hear you, but you can't hear anything from them. I guess that's part of what the veil is, huh!? I'm grateful at least for my knowledge of the truth, even if I can't physically confirm it's truth, and I hope that someday I will be close enough to the spirit, or granted the blessing of maybe being able to be a little closer to you in an emotional way (or something like that-it's kind of hard to put into words exactly what I mean!!)!
