You have your papa back!

How papa has missed you! Besides your dad and I, I think he missed you the most! And now, you two are together again! I'm slightly jealous! I have often wondered who it would be that would get to see you again the soonest, and how appropriate that it's your papa. Loosing Helmut has brought back a lot of the memories of loosing you. It has made it so real and fresh again. It has also made it feel so much more real that I will get to see you again someday! I mean, I tell myself that all the time, but it's some far away "someday", but now for Helmut, it's a reality! And, I just saw him a week ago! And now he's with you! I wanted to tell him to give you a big hug from me. I hope somehow the Lord let him know that and he did it, even though I didn't get to tell him myself! Keep a close eye on us, especially the next few months when it's the hardest to adjust to our new life without papa, especially for your siblings. If you want to pop in a dream or something along that line to give a word of comfort, feel free! I would love to see you!

Time

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it moves fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes harder. When it comes to dealing with loosing you, it seems to do all these things at the same time! On one hand, I can't believe that at the end of this month it will have been 3 years since you passed away! The last three years seem like a blur they went by so fast! On the other hand, there are days that move so slow, and when I think of how many more years there most likely are still ahead before I get to see you again, time moves so slow! It can feel like it's going to be forever before I get to see you again! Once again, time has seemed to heal a lot of the hurt and pain of loosing you. Whole days can go by when I don't think about you in an emotional way. It's almost like saying I have blond hair; it's just a part of me. Then there are other days that I hate how much I have forgotten with the passing of time. I can't fully picture your face in my head anymore, just through pictures. I can't remember how your voice sounds, unless I'm watching home videos. I also can feel so weak in things I feel like I should be strong in. I can get mad at the kids sometimes so easily, and then I feel so bad because I wonder how I, who have lost a child and should know how precious each moment with them is, can allow my weak human imperfections to get so much the better of me! I look back at the times that I was impatient or mad at you and almost get overwhelmed with regret and wishing I hadn't been that way, yet then I turn around and get mad at the kids because they interrupt my pondering! How hypocritical is that! I feel like on one hand my faith is so much stronger and that the gospel is so much more real, but the next moment I realize how many of the simple and basic things I'm slacking off in! But, maybe it's just because it's August that I feel so weak. The hardest day of the year is coming up for me, and as much as I try to not think about it or dwell on your passing away, I think it's pretty much impossible for me. The two hardest things for me to deal with are one, missing you, and two, trying not to think of your accident the way I experienced it. Missing you will always be there, and it's a bitter-sweet thing. I miss you, which is so hard, but I have comfort in knowing where you are, and I have comfort in knowing we will be together again. Your accident is different. On one hand I can rejoice in the fact that your test was done and you went home. If that's the only way I could think about it, it wouldn't be so bad! It's my mortal mind that throws me off with memories of what I then felt and saw as a tragedy, and all the emotions that came with it. But, dwelling on it won't help, so I will stop here! I miss you a ton and love you!