You have your papa back!

How papa has missed you! Besides your dad and I, I think he missed you the most! And now, you two are together again! I'm slightly jealous! I have often wondered who it would be that would get to see you again the soonest, and how appropriate that it's your papa. Loosing Helmut has brought back a lot of the memories of loosing you. It has made it so real and fresh again. It has also made it feel so much more real that I will get to see you again someday! I mean, I tell myself that all the time, but it's some far away "someday", but now for Helmut, it's a reality! And, I just saw him a week ago! And now he's with you! I wanted to tell him to give you a big hug from me. I hope somehow the Lord let him know that and he did it, even though I didn't get to tell him myself! Keep a close eye on us, especially the next few months when it's the hardest to adjust to our new life without papa, especially for your siblings. If you want to pop in a dream or something along that line to give a word of comfort, feel free! I would love to see you!

Time

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it moves fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes harder. When it comes to dealing with loosing you, it seems to do all these things at the same time! On one hand, I can't believe that at the end of this month it will have been 3 years since you passed away! The last three years seem like a blur they went by so fast! On the other hand, there are days that move so slow, and when I think of how many more years there most likely are still ahead before I get to see you again, time moves so slow! It can feel like it's going to be forever before I get to see you again! Once again, time has seemed to heal a lot of the hurt and pain of loosing you. Whole days can go by when I don't think about you in an emotional way. It's almost like saying I have blond hair; it's just a part of me. Then there are other days that I hate how much I have forgotten with the passing of time. I can't fully picture your face in my head anymore, just through pictures. I can't remember how your voice sounds, unless I'm watching home videos. I also can feel so weak in things I feel like I should be strong in. I can get mad at the kids sometimes so easily, and then I feel so bad because I wonder how I, who have lost a child and should know how precious each moment with them is, can allow my weak human imperfections to get so much the better of me! I look back at the times that I was impatient or mad at you and almost get overwhelmed with regret and wishing I hadn't been that way, yet then I turn around and get mad at the kids because they interrupt my pondering! How hypocritical is that! I feel like on one hand my faith is so much stronger and that the gospel is so much more real, but the next moment I realize how many of the simple and basic things I'm slacking off in! But, maybe it's just because it's August that I feel so weak. The hardest day of the year is coming up for me, and as much as I try to not think about it or dwell on your passing away, I think it's pretty much impossible for me. The two hardest things for me to deal with are one, missing you, and two, trying not to think of your accident the way I experienced it. Missing you will always be there, and it's a bitter-sweet thing. I miss you, which is so hard, but I have comfort in knowing where you are, and I have comfort in knowing we will be together again. Your accident is different. On one hand I can rejoice in the fact that your test was done and you went home. If that's the only way I could think about it, it wouldn't be so bad! It's my mortal mind that throws me off with memories of what I then felt and saw as a tragedy, and all the emotions that came with it. But, dwelling on it won't help, so I will stop here! I miss you a ton and love you!

Isaac's Birthday

I don't want to dwell on this for long because I don't want it to be a big deal. Isaac turned two yesterday, and I couldn't help but think how 2 birthday's were all we got to celebrate with you here in this life. I'm sure I thought about it when Eden turned two as well, and maybe even more when she turned three! When she turned three, I remember kind of thinking, yeah, we made it past two! I don't think I'll think that as much anymore, but with Isaac, it's more that I'm realizing that he's reaching the age you were when we last saw you, and he is reminding me so much more of you as he gets bigger! I'm kind of worried that this next year might be a little harder because I wonder if he'll go through or do things that will bring back more memories of you because it's the last things I remember with you. Eden wasn't so much like that because you and she are so different, and she's a girl. You and Isaac have so much in common, and just have those little boy attitudes more so he reminds me more of you. I almost want to have those flashbacks, though, just so I can feel closer to you, but at the same time, I don't ever want Isaac to feel like anything he does brings us pain, or that he can't be him without worrying about if it's like you and might make us sad. He is so special as him, and I don't want him to not think that ever! I know you are so strong and just want us to be happy! It was hard when Melanie was in her accident the other week. When we first found out and were on our way to the hospital, even though I knew she was relatively okay, about 5 minutes before we got there, I just burst into tears! I'm sure I might have anyway, but especially after loosing you, emergencies and hospitals are NOT my favorite! I was so glad when I got to go in and see Melanie, and hug and kiss her, and she was awake and able to look and talk back to me! I know you had to have been helping to watch over her! It does make me feel a little more comforted when I think how someone so close to me can be helping to take care of others who are close to me as well! I know how little control I actually have in this life, and I'm so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that God can do anything, so even though we are imperfect, he still takes care of us!

Memorial Day

I have survived another Memorial Day! This year wasn't so bad in the sense that I didn't think a whole lot about it before, so there wasn't build up to go along with the day itself! I have to give a talk in Sacrament meeting this Sunday, and I have to introduce our family, which means everyone will know about you now! My topic is actually on optimism. I plan on bringing up what happened to you and how the gospel gives me hope and a reason to still be happy. All I have to do is miss you; I don't have to wonder where you are or if I will ever see you again! I have so many answers that give me hope for the future, even though missing you can still be so overwhelming and make me feel anything but happy! I hope it goes well, and I know I'm going to be nervous because even last week at church, I was sitting in the audience, and I already felt jittery and nervous for the talk, and it was still a week away!!! I hope you will be there with me!

Crazy?

So, I've debated whether or not to post this blog, but I guess whether people end up thinking I'm totally morbid or not, it's how I feel! We drove by Caydin's grave again today, and I have to admit that I had a thought go through my head that has often gone through my head, especially in the last year or so. As I was sitting in the car, looking over at Caydin's grave (it was snowing, and often we go and just sit in the car as close to his grave as possible for minutes at a time to just reflect and ponder) and missing him and thinking about him, I had this urge to jump out of the car and go start digging him up. Of course it isn't reasonable, and no, it's not like I want to see his body after being dead for over 2 1/2 years, but at the same time, sometimes my memories of him seem like such a dream that even to see his decaying body would in my mind make me somehow feel a little closer to him again and help me to remember that he really was mine and here at one time! I just miss him so much and want to see him in the flesh again so badly that as morbid as that all sounds, I can't help thinking about it! But, I know it really wouldn't give me the relief I so long for because it is just his body, not him. It really would be no different than holding one of his shirts. His body is no more him than his shirt. He is in heaven, and I'll just have to keep being patient until I do get to hug him and hold him again. So, now my deep, dark secret is out, and I hope nobody thinks I'm crazy!

I miss you. We were at Grandma and Papa's house this last week, and it seemed like no matter where I went, all I could think of was you. It was a bitter/sweet thing. On one hand, it was hard to be hit with a lot of emotion, especially since I wasn't anxious to have anybody there see me cry, so I was holding it all in, but on the other hand, after it hit me a few times, I went around looking for things that brought back memories because it helped me feel closer to you and remember you better! One of my biggest struggles right now is that I have a hard time actually remembering you. I can recall pictures that I have, and even home video, but I'm not remembering those actual incidents. At the house the other day, I was actually remembering you and some things you actually did and real experiences! It makes me miss you so much! Your dad was saying just last night that it would have been fun to see you and Isaac play and wrestle together! I know you would have loved having a brother, especially since you two have so much in common. Isaac loves balls, and so did you! I know you watch out for your siblings, and at least we get to have that knowledge to help ease the pain of not having you here where we can see you! Love you!

Sympathies

I found out today that a good friend of mine's sister passed away on Easter. She was only 28, and she leaves behind 3 children. She's had a rough life and wasn't living the best life style, but she had also been through a lot of hard times in her life and was probably doing the best she could. I never met her, but I was going to try to go to her viewing tonight or tomorrow, but both Isaac and EmmaLee have the stomach virus, and I just didn't feel good about leaving them. I'm planning on visiting both my friend and her mom, if not tomorrow, then sometime as soon as my kids are well. My heart aches for my friend and her mom, and for her sister's three children. I can't and don't want to imagine how hard it would be to explain to those kids that their mom isn't coming back. She might have made some bad choices, and not influenced her kids for the best all the time, but she loved them and they loved her! Talking to my friend brought back a lot of my memories of what it was like right after we lost Caydin and how emotional and hard it was. While the situations are slightly different, I know how much they are going to miss her, and while right now might be some of the hardest times, there are still many rough days ahead! My friend and her mom both received blessings that have already brought them comfort, and I'm sure they will continue to bring comfort as the time goes! But, I still pray for them and wish there was an easier way for the transition of when a loved one returns home!

Not so Fun!

So, Friday night we were up at Grandma and Papa's house watching the Jazz game. We were actually the only ones there, Grandma and Papa were on their way home, as well as Bonnie, Allan, Brad, Ryan and Drew. Eden and Isaac were playing in the other room, and even though we couldn't see them, we weren't worried about them because we lived there for so long, it's almost like a second home and we figured kid proof. Wrong! All of the sudden we heard Isaac start crying, and it was one of those cries when you know something is wrong! I jumped up and ran into the kitchen, and there was Isaac, his whole head literally COVERED in liquid dish soap! He was crying and rubbing his eyes, which had soap in them, and he was just rubbing more soap in them! Eden had taken an almost full bottle of the soap and dumped it everywhere, on the floor, and all over Isaac! She must have done his head last because by the time he started crying and when I got in there, there was not enough time to make all the other mess. So, anyway, I yelled for Rob to come help me because I was almost so stunned I couldn't think of how to even start getting the soap off! Rob came in and told me to grab him and take him to the tub, which I did. Luckily his parents have a tub with a detachable shower head, so we sat him in the tub and quickly adjusted the temperature and then began hosing him off. He was bawling his head off and rubbing his eyes like crazy, and us spraying water all over him didn't help his panic. It was horrible! Everybody got home about 1 minute after we found all this, luckily, and they were taking care of EmmaLee and Eden for us so Rob and I were able to focus on Isaac. The only hard part about them all being there was that his parents were trying to "help" too much and just kind of got in the way. Even after we were able to get most of the soap off we knew we needed to irrigate his eyes, which was still traumatic for him. We got him out of the tub and tried to just irrigate his eyes by the sink, but he was so upset he wouldn't hold still, so water was going in his nose and mouth, and just panicking him more. I called poison control because we didn't know how seriously his eyes could be injured by that amount of soap in them. They told us to irrigate his eyes for 15 minutes, then to take a break for a little bit. They were going to call us back in an hour and see how he was. If certain symptoms were still there, we'd have to take him in to get his eyes checked, but if they were gone, he'd be fine. We finished irrigating them, and then everyone took turns trying to distract him. He looked like he'd been punched in both eyes! His eyes themselves were red, and he was just swollen and red all around the area. He would be okay for a few minutes, and then he'd kind of start crying and pointing at his eyes and say "eye"! It was so sad! But, by the time poison control called back, his eyeballs were a lot clearer, and he seemed okay. They just said to try to keep the lights dim and try to not let him rub them much, especially once he got tired and went to bed. The guy was really nice and said he'd be there all night and to call back if we had any questions. We finally left his parents house, but it was hard because we kept debating what to do because one second he'd be find, and the next he was crying all over about them! His left eye especially still seemed a little red. We stopped at the local store before heading home and got some eye drops that hopefully helped him have a little relief. They actually told us not to use the drops when it first happened because sometimes they can mask the symptoms of a more serious injury, but once we knew he was okay, we decided to use them. Anyway, he ended up being fine, and slept great that night after we got home and he went to bed, but it was a really stressful event for me and Rob. I think ever since loosing Caydin, situations like these are tons more stressful because it brings back a lot of the emotions that we felt when we lost Caydin, and we know that sometimes the worst case scenarios really do happen! I feared that Isaac was going to go blind, and all the life changes that would mean for him and us, and I worried about how that would affect Eden. We got mad at her right at first, but were so busy taking care of Isaac that we didn't do much at first. Rob went and talked to her after Isaac was somewhat okay to make sure she was okay. It's hard because she is still so young herself that she didn't know what she was doing or that it would hurt Isaac. So, the thoughts of him going blind, and her being the reason was so hard to think of. In fact, I had to stop thinking about it because it wasn't happening, and I had to remind myself that if it did happen, Heavenly Father would bless us to get through it and everything it would bring to pass. Rob and I were talking about it on the way home, and one thing that often is hard for us now is knowing how and where to put our faith. I mean, of course our faith is in Heavenly Father, but sometimes we aren't sure what to have faith about. Do we try to have the faith that it won't be serious, or do we just wait and see what happens and trust that it's the Lord's will? We've often heard the talks and stories about how faith healed or changed the course of things, but often we don't know how long to pray for certain things. I mean, when everything first happened with Caydin, I thought I was having faith that he would be healed. I remembered his baby blessing that said he would do well in his school work, and I thought, well, he can't die then because he has to go to school. And, he received a couple of blessings that said he would be healed, so when everything kept coming back very negative and not very hopeful, I feared that I didn't have enough faith. I feared that I was too weak to bring the blessing of healing to my son. I wanted to believe he was going to wake up and be my sweet, happy, energetic little boy, but it wasn't happening, and every test was coming back saying the very opposite! Even when I realized and knew that he wasn't going to be coming back, I felt very guilty that somehow it was partly my fault because I didn't believe strong enough that he could be healed. I know the spirit must have been whispering peace to my soul or else I know I couldn't have handled the events leading up to his last moments here on earth with as much calmness as I did at that time, but Satan was also whispering to me at that time that I was being selfish and just not being willing enough to have the faith to heal him. Luckily, Heavenly Father blessed me fairly quickly with the knowledge that it was his time to go and that it was not a lack of faith that prevented him from staying, but simply that it was the Lord's will that he should return home at that time. Anyway, even with that knowledge, I find that it is often hard for me when situations happen like the one with Isaac and the soap because I still fear knowing if I've done everything I should! I mean, I worried about if we still needed to take Isaac in and if we were doing the right thing or not by not taking him in. I knew how guilty I would feel if some long term consequence happened that wouldn't have happened if we'd only taken him in! I think I fear the responsibility of making good decisions for my children now. Because of what we went through with Caydin, I don't always think clearly, and I fear more extreme things and get paranoid so much quicker and easier! But, I know this about myself, so I fight it more as well, and try to do the logical thing. But, it's like my paranoid self is fighting the whole time with my logical self, and the fight itself makes me a hundred times more stressed than I would be if I was just one way or the other! I understand how easy it could be to go weird and crazy after loosing a close loved one! Things that were once easy and non-complicated suddenly because these huge, emotional situations! Anyway, my kids are needing me, and I'm tired and not sure this is even coming out in any kind of logical way, but I just know that since it happened Friday night, I've felt emotionally drained and stressed, and I'm trying to figure out how to relieve it! I'm trying to figure out my emotions and what all is involved in what I'm feeling so I can let it go and deal with life a little better!!

Still Surprising

I'm not sure what to write because I don't know how to put into words everything I am feeling, and I know my attempts would be long and drawn out, and I'm not sure I'm up for that right now! I do have to say that I am still surprised at how many things can happen that I wasn't expecting. Maybe a better way to describe it is that I'm surprised at how I handle things sometimes. The other day we were all in the van driving home from somewhere, and Rob turned around and saw Isaac choking a bit on something he'd had. I don't remember exactly what was said and how, but at one point Rob said something like "he's still choking", and I turned around, but by the time I turned around, he was fine. But, what was weird to me is what happened to me in probably literally 1 second or less, however long it takes for someone to quickly turn in their seat in a car to look behind them. As soon as I sensed from Rob that it might be serious, I instantly started hyperventelating, but what was weird is that I heard myself breathing hard rather than just knew because I was doing it! My whole body went numb, and it was kind of like in the movies when they suddenly zoom in on somebody. Nothing else in the world existed except us in that car at that moment. But, like I said, it was weird because it was over so quickly! I was almost in a state of shock right after because I had reacted so strongly for just a split second, but it ended up being nothing serious so quickly! I remember sitting there and thinking of what my body had just done and thinking how unexpected the whole reaction was, especially since it's not the first time he's choked on something and I didn't react like that before! Most days in the last year or so have been pretty "normal" days for me, meaning that I think of Caydin, but I don't really have the emotional part of missing him affect me as much. Some days can be hard, but mostly just from missing him, and the rest of the time I feel almost like it never happened. Or at least, that's what I thought. I think this experience taught me that no matter how normal I think I feel, I will never be the same. I will never react the same way to situations as I once did, and no matter how well I think I'm dealing with it, there will always be times and incidents that are going to pop up and take me by surprise! I feel like as time goes, different struggles arise that I have to deal with. I think right after Caydin passed away, part of dealing with it was having the spirit with us more to comfort us. We needed it just to survive the days. I think we still need it, but it's like it's not as close or as much as before, or maybe we just don't think about it as much and are slower to do what we need to do to keep it with us more, like the Nephites. We start forgetting how much we need to do all the basic things because we feel stronger and become more prideful in thinking we need the help, and as a result, slowly start drifting into compliency in our daily habits. I think I fear accidents and loosing another child more now than I did right after loosing Caydin! I think some of that is normal, but I think some of it is because I'm slacking in reading my scriptures, or saying my prayers as sincerely, so I'm leaving myself more open to Satan's influences. Not that this is totally in my control, but I haven't been able to go to the temple since before EmmaLee was born. Nursing her makes it difficult to leave for more than 2 hours since other people are not able to help her if she gets hungry. The only option for that is if I pump so there is a bottle for her. But, I haven't taken the time to see if she would accept a bottle, and I have thought, oh I need to do that, but then I forget, so as a result have not been able to leave her with babysitters. I finally did try it last night, and she did great (unlike Isaac who refused bottles for a full month when I was trying to wean him when I got pregnant with EmmaLee!). So, hopefully now Rob and I can make it to the temple sometime soon. But, I have found great comfort in the temple since loosing Caydin especially, and not having been able to go for so long has probably not helped my spirituality! I think all the ways I've been feeling lately are really showing me that I need to revamp my life and really try a little harder to do the basic things I know I should be doing. Having three small children often makes me think that I spend most of my days just trying to survive! But, there is a saying I have heard that I think most people have heard that basically says something like I'm too busy in my day to take time to pray, but in the end they realize that they are too busy in their lives to NOT take the time to pray. That's how I feel right now. I need to make sure I am taking the time everyday to do those basic things and invite the spirit into my life and home so I can enjoy the time I have right now with my husband and kids, instead of just trying to survive the days! Anyway, we were finally able to visit Caydin's grave today for the first time in probably a month. It's been hard to get there now that we've moved away. Whenever we are up that way it's usually for a reason, and time goes so fast we find we are needing to leave to go home without having the chance to go up! I've told more people about you in the last few weeks. Everyone reacts slightly differently, some I appreciate more than others, but all have been okay. I haven't cried in front of anyone yet, and I wonder when that one will happen first! I've also been surprised because I'm finding that word has spread a little more than I would have thought and that more people actually do know about you than I had thought! It's funny how some people I have known for like a month, and they still don't know, but other people I have met once, and they found out! I guess it's all a matter of what you end up talking about with people!

Happy Birthday!

"Oh how I miss you, wish I could kiss you, hug you hold you, it would be best to!" That song is going through my head like crazy today, and even though it is an upbeat song, I just feel like crying the whole thing! I'm so glad you were born into my life 5 years ago! As hard as it is to miss you, I would never wish it hadn't of happened because I love you so much! I have to admit that I'm weak today, though and wish you hadn't of died. I got a ward directory for the new ward yesterday and I've been pouring over it, seeing who everybody is, seeing who has kids close to my kids ages, and everytime I saw one that would have been your age, I can't help but think, oh, that's about what size you would be, or what age personality you would be at. Ever since we've moved I've been thinking about you a lot more, and as a result, today is ending up being a lot harder than I had thought it would be. I want to be happy and celebrate, but all I feel like doing is crying! The RS president and one of her counselors came over yesterday and I ended up telling them about you and what happened. I was relieved to tell someone here, but at the same time, it brought back the memories of loosing you again so now they are fresh, which makes today even harder! I think I should have made some kind of plans for today to celebrate your birth because now instead I almost feel like I'm wondering around in a kind of daze, not sure if I should be happy or sad, or what I should do! Do I live like it's a normal day, just like any other, or do I focus on you, but since I have nothing planned, spend it thinking of you and how much I miss you and wish I was planning a birthday party for my little boy! I know you want me to be happy, and I know you are happy where you are, so I'll try to be happier for you, for your presant! I love you!

Our New Home

So, we've been in our new home now for almost 3 weeks! At first the days were going by really slow, but now it seems like it's going by pretty fast! So far we haven't told anyone about you. The first Sunday we were here we only went to Sacrament, and really didn't talk to anybody. Last week we stayed for classes, and in RS, they asked me to introduce myself, so I told them my name, where we were from, and how many were in our family. It was kind of funny because when I said I had 4 kids, a couple of different people said things all at the same time. One lady next to me started saying that I should tell how old they all were, and for a split second I worried because I wasn't quite sure I wanted to explain to everyone on that first meeting about loosing you, so I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but right after she said that, a few other people started saying things, including one lady who had noticed EmmaLee in her car seat next to me, and she was telling everyone that I had one right here with me. It was kind of funny, actually, like it was a treasure hunt or something and she'd found the gold! Anyway, it distracted everyone enough that the lady conducting basically just summed it up saying that I had one with me and some in Primary. I said yes and sat down! So, nobody knows yet about you! The RS precidency tried to stop by yesterday to say hi, but they came right when Rob had a church basketball game, so we were at the church watching him play! So, they just left a little note. To be honest, I'm not sure which way I'd rather have it happen, in some mass way like it almost happened in RS, or individually. I guess it would kind of depend on the way they responded, which I won't ever know until it just happens! I've missed not being able to go to your grave since we've moved. I know you aren't there, but I still miss it just the same. I have felt like you've been able to be here with us, though. I find myself thinking about you randomly, and I wonder if it's because you happen to be here at that moment! A couple of days ago I laid EmmaLee down on the floor by the computer, and then I went into the other room for a couple of minutes, and while I was in the other room, I heard EmmaLee just laughing! I came in to see why, and she was just staring up at some random spot on the ceiling and just laughing! I wondered and hoped that maybe you were here talking to her, and I wished sooooo bad that I knew for sure and that I could see for myself if you were! In situations like that, I like to think that you are here, but sometimes I can almost get mad because I want to know for sure. I don't just want to think it's true so I can feel good inside if it's not really true! I know you must be able to come around sometimes, but there have been very few times when I have known for a fact that you really were around. There have been a lot of times when I have suspected you were, but I didn't know if it was the spirit whispering to me that you were, or just me wishing and hoping you were. In fact, I think there's really only been one experience where I knew without a doubt you were there, and I even had a witness! When my cousin Cody and his wife Karina got sealed in the Manti temple, I know you were there. We had to stand in the Celestial room for a few minutes before we got to go into the sealing room, and I remember standing next to your dad and talking to some family member about some totally unrelated thing when I suddenly got hit with the strongest impression that you were there. I even told your dad that you were there. That was special enough, but then we went into the sealing room, and the sealer started. Right at the beginning when he started talking, he was talking about how special this was, and then he point blank said that if there were any family members who had gone on before for us to know that they were there with us at that time! He didnt' say it exactly like that , but when he said it, I had to bow my head because I couldn't hold the tears back! And, a lot of family in the room looked at me when he said it because they all knew that Caydin was there as well, and lets just say there weren't a whole lot of dry eyes in the room. It was pretty special! So, since then, I have often wondered if when I randomly start thinking about you, if that means you are nearby. But, then I think that of course I'm going to think about you often, and I'm not sure you are able to be here every single time! So, then I wondered when you are, and when you are not. I also wonder if you can hear my thoughts or not. I mean, if I say something to you in my head, do you hear it? I know Heavenly Father and Jesus can hear my thoughts and know all, but how does it work with someone like you? Are you granted that priviledge of knowing what I say to you in my head, or would I have to say it out loud, and would you have to be present? Something tells me that you know how I am feeling, but I don't understand the connection really, and how much of one is there. I've read a lot of quotes, and books written by the general authorities, but I've never found anything that really addresses this topic. I mean, I remember one account by somebody whose either mother or father was having an extremely hard time dealing with the loss of their son, and I think the son came to them somehow and told them to not grieve for them so much, or something like that. So, I know they can know how we are feeling, but is it just from observation, or is there a bigger, deeper connection? And, if there is a bigger, deeper connection, is it only one sided? I don't feel your emotions. I mean, I know you are probably very happy, and in a very peaceful, spiritual and wonderful place, but even when I knew you were in the room, I didn't "feel" you. I think I wish I could feel you almost more than anything else! I feel the holy ghost, but I don't feel you. It's like talking to someone on the phone with a bad connection where you know they are there and can hear you, but you can't hear anything from them. I guess that's part of what the veil is, huh!? I'm grateful at least for my knowledge of the truth, even if I can't physically confirm it's truth, and I hope that someday I will be close enough to the spirit, or granted the blessing of maybe being able to be a little closer to you in an emotional way (or something like that-it's kind of hard to put into words exactly what I mean!!)!