Still Surprising

I'm not sure what to write because I don't know how to put into words everything I am feeling, and I know my attempts would be long and drawn out, and I'm not sure I'm up for that right now! I do have to say that I am still surprised at how many things can happen that I wasn't expecting. Maybe a better way to describe it is that I'm surprised at how I handle things sometimes. The other day we were all in the van driving home from somewhere, and Rob turned around and saw Isaac choking a bit on something he'd had. I don't remember exactly what was said and how, but at one point Rob said something like "he's still choking", and I turned around, but by the time I turned around, he was fine. But, what was weird to me is what happened to me in probably literally 1 second or less, however long it takes for someone to quickly turn in their seat in a car to look behind them. As soon as I sensed from Rob that it might be serious, I instantly started hyperventelating, but what was weird is that I heard myself breathing hard rather than just knew because I was doing it! My whole body went numb, and it was kind of like in the movies when they suddenly zoom in on somebody. Nothing else in the world existed except us in that car at that moment. But, like I said, it was weird because it was over so quickly! I was almost in a state of shock right after because I had reacted so strongly for just a split second, but it ended up being nothing serious so quickly! I remember sitting there and thinking of what my body had just done and thinking how unexpected the whole reaction was, especially since it's not the first time he's choked on something and I didn't react like that before! Most days in the last year or so have been pretty "normal" days for me, meaning that I think of Caydin, but I don't really have the emotional part of missing him affect me as much. Some days can be hard, but mostly just from missing him, and the rest of the time I feel almost like it never happened. Or at least, that's what I thought. I think this experience taught me that no matter how normal I think I feel, I will never be the same. I will never react the same way to situations as I once did, and no matter how well I think I'm dealing with it, there will always be times and incidents that are going to pop up and take me by surprise! I feel like as time goes, different struggles arise that I have to deal with. I think right after Caydin passed away, part of dealing with it was having the spirit with us more to comfort us. We needed it just to survive the days. I think we still need it, but it's like it's not as close or as much as before, or maybe we just don't think about it as much and are slower to do what we need to do to keep it with us more, like the Nephites. We start forgetting how much we need to do all the basic things because we feel stronger and become more prideful in thinking we need the help, and as a result, slowly start drifting into compliency in our daily habits. I think I fear accidents and loosing another child more now than I did right after loosing Caydin! I think some of that is normal, but I think some of it is because I'm slacking in reading my scriptures, or saying my prayers as sincerely, so I'm leaving myself more open to Satan's influences. Not that this is totally in my control, but I haven't been able to go to the temple since before EmmaLee was born. Nursing her makes it difficult to leave for more than 2 hours since other people are not able to help her if she gets hungry. The only option for that is if I pump so there is a bottle for her. But, I haven't taken the time to see if she would accept a bottle, and I have thought, oh I need to do that, but then I forget, so as a result have not been able to leave her with babysitters. I finally did try it last night, and she did great (unlike Isaac who refused bottles for a full month when I was trying to wean him when I got pregnant with EmmaLee!). So, hopefully now Rob and I can make it to the temple sometime soon. But, I have found great comfort in the temple since loosing Caydin especially, and not having been able to go for so long has probably not helped my spirituality! I think all the ways I've been feeling lately are really showing me that I need to revamp my life and really try a little harder to do the basic things I know I should be doing. Having three small children often makes me think that I spend most of my days just trying to survive! But, there is a saying I have heard that I think most people have heard that basically says something like I'm too busy in my day to take time to pray, but in the end they realize that they are too busy in their lives to NOT take the time to pray. That's how I feel right now. I need to make sure I am taking the time everyday to do those basic things and invite the spirit into my life and home so I can enjoy the time I have right now with my husband and kids, instead of just trying to survive the days! Anyway, we were finally able to visit Caydin's grave today for the first time in probably a month. It's been hard to get there now that we've moved away. Whenever we are up that way it's usually for a reason, and time goes so fast we find we are needing to leave to go home without having the chance to go up! I've told more people about you in the last few weeks. Everyone reacts slightly differently, some I appreciate more than others, but all have been okay. I haven't cried in front of anyone yet, and I wonder when that one will happen first! I've also been surprised because I'm finding that word has spread a little more than I would have thought and that more people actually do know about you than I had thought! It's funny how some people I have known for like a month, and they still don't know, but other people I have met once, and they found out! I guess it's all a matter of what you end up talking about with people!