So, Friday night we were up at Grandma and Papa's house watching the Jazz game. We were actually the only ones there, Grandma and Papa were on their way home, as well as Bonnie, Allan, Brad, Ryan and Drew. Eden and Isaac were playing in the other room, and even though we couldn't see them, we weren't worried about them because we lived there for so long, it's almost like a second home and we figured kid proof. Wrong! All of the sudden we heard Isaac start crying, and it was one of those cries when you know something is wrong! I jumped up and ran into the kitchen, and there was Isaac, his whole head literally COVERED in liquid dish soap! He was crying and rubbing his eyes, which had soap in them, and he was just rubbing more soap in them! Eden had taken an almost full bottle of the soap and dumped it everywhere, on the floor, and all over Isaac! She must have done his head last because by the time he started crying and when I got in there, there was not enough time to make all the other mess. So, anyway, I yelled for Rob to come help me because I was almost so stunned I couldn't think of how to even start getting the soap off! Rob came in and told me to grab him and take him to the tub, which I did. Luckily his parents have a tub with a detachable shower head, so we sat him in the tub and quickly adjusted the temperature and then began hosing him off. He was bawling his head off and rubbing his eyes like crazy, and us spraying water all over him didn't help his panic. It was horrible! Everybody got home about 1 minute after we found all this, luckily, and they were taking care of EmmaLee and Eden for us so Rob and I were able to focus on Isaac. The only hard part about them all being there was that his parents were trying to "help" too much and just kind of got in the way. Even after we were able to get most of the soap off we knew we needed to irrigate his eyes, which was still traumatic for him. We got him out of the tub and tried to just irrigate his eyes by the sink, but he was so upset he wouldn't hold still, so water was going in his nose and mouth, and just panicking him more. I called poison control because we didn't know how seriously his eyes could be injured by that amount of soap in them. They told us to irrigate his eyes for 15 minutes, then to take a break for a little bit. They were going to call us back in an hour and see how he was. If certain symptoms were still there, we'd have to take him in to get his eyes checked, but if they were gone, he'd be fine. We finished irrigating them, and then everyone took turns trying to distract him. He looked like he'd been punched in both eyes! His eyes themselves were red, and he was just swollen and red all around the area. He would be okay for a few minutes, and then he'd kind of start crying and pointing at his eyes and say "eye"! It was so sad! But, by the time poison control called back, his eyeballs were a lot clearer, and he seemed okay. They just said to try to keep the lights dim and try to not let him rub them much, especially once he got tired and went to bed. The guy was really nice and said he'd be there all night and to call back if we had any questions. We finally left his parents house, but it was hard because we kept debating what to do because one second he'd be find, and the next he was crying all over about them! His left eye especially still seemed a little red. We stopped at the local store before heading home and got some eye drops that hopefully helped him have a little relief. They actually told us not to use the drops when it first happened because sometimes they can mask the symptoms of a more serious injury, but once we knew he was okay, we decided to use them. Anyway, he ended up being fine, and slept great that night after we got home and he went to bed, but it was a really stressful event for me and Rob. I think ever since loosing Caydin, situations like these are tons more stressful because it brings back a lot of the emotions that we felt when we lost Caydin, and we know that sometimes the worst case scenarios really do happen! I feared that Isaac was going to go blind, and all the life changes that would mean for him and us, and I worried about how that would affect Eden. We got mad at her right at first, but were so busy taking care of Isaac that we didn't do much at first. Rob went and talked to her after Isaac was somewhat okay to make sure she was okay. It's hard because she is still so young herself that she didn't know what she was doing or that it would hurt Isaac. So, the thoughts of him going blind, and her being the reason was so hard to think of. In fact, I had to stop thinking about it because it wasn't happening, and I had to remind myself that if it did happen, Heavenly Father would bless us to get through it and everything it would bring to pass. Rob and I were talking about it on the way home, and one thing that often is hard for us now is knowing how and where to put our faith. I mean, of course our faith is in Heavenly Father, but sometimes we aren't sure what to have faith about. Do we try to have the faith that it won't be serious, or do we just wait and see what happens and trust that it's the Lord's will? We've often heard the talks and stories about how faith healed or changed the course of things, but often we don't know how long to pray for certain things. I mean, when everything first happened with Caydin, I thought I was having faith that he would be healed. I remembered his baby blessing that said he would do well in his school work, and I thought, well, he can't die then because he has to go to school. And, he received a couple of blessings that said he would be healed, so when everything kept coming back very negative and not very hopeful, I feared that I didn't have enough faith. I feared that I was too weak to bring the blessing of healing to my son. I wanted to believe he was going to wake up and be my sweet, happy, energetic little boy, but it wasn't happening, and every test was coming back saying the very opposite! Even when I realized and knew that he wasn't going to be coming back, I felt very guilty that somehow it was partly my fault because I didn't believe strong enough that he could be healed. I know the spirit must have been whispering peace to my soul or else I know I couldn't have handled the events leading up to his last moments here on earth with as much calmness as I did at that time, but Satan was also whispering to me at that time that I was being selfish and just not being willing enough to have the faith to heal him. Luckily, Heavenly Father blessed me fairly quickly with the knowledge that it was his time to go and that it was not a lack of faith that prevented him from staying, but simply that it was the Lord's will that he should return home at that time. Anyway, even with that knowledge, I find that it is often hard for me when situations happen like the one with Isaac and the soap because I still fear knowing if I've done everything I should! I mean, I worried about if we still needed to take Isaac in and if we were doing the right thing or not by not taking him in. I knew how guilty I would feel if some long term consequence happened that wouldn't have happened if we'd only taken him in! I think I fear the responsibility of making good decisions for my children now. Because of what we went through with Caydin, I don't always think clearly, and I fear more extreme things and get paranoid so much quicker and easier! But, I know this about myself, so I fight it more as well, and try to do the logical thing. But, it's like my paranoid self is fighting the whole time with my logical self, and the fight itself makes me a hundred times more stressed than I would be if I was just one way or the other! I understand how easy it could be to go weird and crazy after loosing a close loved one! Things that were once easy and non-complicated suddenly because these huge, emotional situations! Anyway, my kids are needing me, and I'm tired and not sure this is even coming out in any kind of logical way, but I just know that since it happened Friday night, I've felt emotionally drained and stressed, and I'm trying to figure out how to relieve it! I'm trying to figure out my emotions and what all is involved in what I'm feeling so I can let it go and deal with life a little better!!
1 comment:
Hey Diana, I found this blog last week. I hope you don't mind. I meant to leave a comment on your last post but just couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say. You're amazing Diana. I can only imagine how hard it is to lose a child. It's every mother's biggest fear. I'm sorry you've actually had to face it. Reading what you said about faith brought a couple of things to mind. The best way I can explain it is to relate it to my mission. I know that's nothing like what you've experienced but it's the only way I can explain it. On my mission I studied faith every day. I started the mission thinking that I would love every second of it and that I would see lots of success. I worked hard from day one. I was obedient. I did everything I could think of to do. I prayed hard. I set goals. I didn't see success. So I prayed harder, worked harder and longer, sacrificed more. At every meeting someone would get up and talk about how if you just have more faith you'll see miracles, you'll see people come into the church. Well, I felt like I had lots of faith. There were days that I felt like there was no doubt in my mind that we would find someone that day and we didn't. I would get so frustrated. I would tell myself, "well, if you just have more faith you'll have success. If you just have more faith this person will progress. If you are just more obedient and work a little harder." I honestly didn't feel like there was anything else I could give. One day I finally realized that faith isn't always seeing miracles. Faith isn't always success. That's not how faith is measured. Faith is enduring to the end. I got up every day and prayed and studied and followed the rules and worked hard. That's what faith is. When you said you sometimes don't know where to put your faith that really made me think. It is hard. I think, as hard as it is, we have to just put our faith in the will of our Heavenly Father. We plead with Him and ask him for what we desire but then we say "Thy will be done." At that point we just have to pray for the faith to accept what He has planned for us. It's really hard. But I know He will help us.
I've been thinking a lot about my sister, Heidi, today because it's her birthday. When she first died we were all surrounded by angels. I could literally feel them holding me up. That was the only way we could make it through those first weeks. But gradually that fades. I don't think it's because of anything we do wrong. I think it's because Heavenly Father knows we need to feel a little pain. It's part of the learning and stretching process. But He sends just enough comfort and help to make it possible to keep going. It wasn't until 4 or 5 years after Heidi died that I got angry. I hadn't felt that before. I was so mad that He couldn't just give us a miracle and save her life. Why did He save other people but not her? It wasn't fair! It came down to realizing that it was His will. He needed her for something important on the other side. (It better have been really important!) So here I am, 13 years later. I never thought it would but the pain has subsided. Some days I think about her and I'm sad but mostly it makes me happy. It gives me a very real reason to strive to live righteously so I can be with her again. But even though it's been so long I still feel the effects. I still hate driving. When I pass a semi on the freeway I can physical feel the stress it causes me. When Sean comes home a little later than expected I freak out. I'm always imagining the worst. I think I have more anxiety than I otherwise would. I think that's what experiencing the loss of someone you love brings. I think it's normal and I'm not sure it will ever completely go away. All I can do is pray for strength and comfort. Heavenly Father doesn't want us to live in fear. We are supposed to put our trust in him. Somedays it's easier to do that than others.
I know there is nothing like losing a child but I hope what I said makes sense and that you can at least take something from it. I love you Diana and I'm really amazed with your strength. Don't be afraid to let yourself feel what you need to feel. There's nothing wrong with being sad or angry or having a bad day once in a while. It's when it becomes a constant feeling that eats away at our lives and our happiness that it becomes a problem. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. I know I don't understand but I can listen.
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