Sickness

Isaac has been sick for over a week now, and it's been hard! First, we took him into the doctors last Friday and found out that he had an ear infection. So, we started antibiotic. But, he seemed to get worse, so we took him back in on Monday, and found out he has RSV as well! We still have a nebulizer from the last time he had it last season, so the doctor just sent us home with some sample medicine since we won't have insurance until tomorrow! Last time when he had RSV, he had a really bad day, but as soon as we started the treatments, he quickly improved and got better. This time has not been like that at all! I actually took him back in on Tuesday because he had a worse night! They gave him a treatment there, and this time gave him steriods, and we came back home. He just didn't seem like he was getting over it very well. Wednesday was a little better, but still not much, and yesterday he woke up and seemed just as bad, so I was actually planning on taking him back in, but he took a nap, and about 20 minutes before I was going to take him in, he woke up and actually showed a lot of improvement! So, I didn't take him in! He's still had a bad cough that makes him dry-heave, and he's still been cranky, but finally he's at least playing and eating a little bit of some things! It was so hard, though, because for the 3 days that he was really sick I was debating all the time whether or not to take him into the ER or not. I hated having to feel so responsible for his well-being just because I was afraid of messing up and having some huge consequence happen to him because of it! But, at the same time, I didn't want to just rush him to the ER because I know what they would have had to do to him, and I know how much it would have traumatized him, and me, and I didn't want to do it unless he really needed it! So, I was so paranoid about if he was okay the whole time, but I was also super paranoid about going in! It was probably more exhausting mentally than physically! I'm so grateful he's finally feeling better! But, now EmmaLee woke up congested and coughing a little today, and I am sooooo hoping she doesn't come down with it because as hard of a time as Isaac had with it, EmmaLee would probably take it much harder because she's still so little. It scares me, even though I try not to let it, to think of any of my children in the hospital, especially with lung related issues! Even though you choked and were probably brain dead, technically you passed away from being incredibly sick from after effects of choking. You had a TON of fluid in your lungs, and the whole time we were in the hospital with you before you passed away, it was your lungs that were being treated and causing so many problems! We finally made the decision to let you go because it was your lungs that were having problems. Your oxygen levels started to drop and inspite the best efforts of the doctors, they were having a hard time keeping your lungs from basically drowning in fluid. They were down to one last possibility, but it involved taking out the respirator, which would have been extremely messy and physically traumatizing to your poor little body, and there was a much greater chance you wouldn't survive the procedure than it actually working. I remember standing over you and listening to the specialists talking about it and trying to decide if they should attempt it, and as I thought about it, I just knew I couldn't let them do that to you; you'd been through enough! That was the moment I knew I was going to have to let you go. I emotionally told them no, they couldn't do that to you. We already knew you were brain dead and had pretty much a 0% chance of ever living a normal life. Even if you had survived, you would have been a vegetable the rest of your life and pretty much on some kind of life support for the rest of that life, however long it would have been. So, it was at that time we made the decision to stop one of your medications. You're heart was the only organ in your body that was functioning even somewhat under it's own power, and even then it was only happening because of a medication. We know that because the night before you passed away, they had to replace the medication packet, which literally stopped the flow of that medicine into your body for about 5 seconds, and when that happened, you crashed, and they had to code blue you and start CPR. We were actually talking to the doctor about something in the room when it happened, and I remember him looking at us while they were trying to stabalize you again and asking us if we wanted them to continue trying or just let him go. I remember just crying and not knowing what to do, and Rob told him that he did want them to keep trying. It only took a few minutes, but they did stabalize you again, but it was so hard to sit there and watch it that your dad and I decided that if it happened again, we would just let you go. So, when they were talking about the respirator treatment, all I could picture in my head was another incident like that and loosing you in such a dramatic situation, and I couldn't do it. I wanted you to be able to pass away peacefully, not in a caotic, high tense situation, surrounded by strangers doing their best to keep you here when it wasn't meant to be. So, we decided it was time to let fate happen. The next decision we had to make was how to let everything happen. If we did nothing, all your vitals were just slowing down and starting to fail, like your oxygen intake. It was like watching you die slowely, and we had no idea how long it would take. It could have taken only a couple of hours, or it could have taken a couple of days! It seemed more cruel to me to let you go so slowely like that, so we asked what would happen if we took you off your heart medication. They said it would be peaceful, and would probably happen within a couple of minutes. I also felt like if you were meant to stay, since it was the one thing that you were somewhat doing on your own, your heart would keep beating even without the medication. So, we decided to stop the medication. But, before we did that, we let everyone who was at the hospital come in and say good-bye. Up to this point, the closest I had been able to be to you was laying by your side because you had so many things hooked up to your poor broken body that were so important that we couldn't risk anything pulling them off. Well, when we made this decision, they actually let us hold you. So, your dad and I took turns holding you for the next little while; I don't remember for sure how long it was. Time kind of didn't exsist for me at this time. Finally, Rob and I got a few minutes with you byourselves, and then we actually invited all the family back in again for your last few minutes with us on this earth. I remember holding you and once they stopped the medicine, watching your #'s and watching them drop lower and lower, until they finally stopped. I knew you had gone because a little bit of fluid came up into the tubing in your mouth, like it was a last sigh. But, I still had to ask the nurse, and when she confirmed it, I remember just burying my head into your still little body and just sobbing. So, when your siblings get sick and we have to worry and check their oxygen levels, it really brings back memories of loosing you, and it's really hard and stressful! It has almost the same amount of emotion as when someone chokes. It's like you died from two things, and I don't handle those two problems well now. So, I really hope EmmaLee doesn't get sick because I think I'm all emotioned out from trying to deal with Isaac!

Miss You

I don't think I can say much. I just miss you so much again lately! I've struggled a lot lately with thinking of how things could be if you were still here, and it just hurts so much! I've been feeling more anger lately as well, which I haven't had a lot of this whole time you've been gone. When I start to think of how things could be but then remember and know that they can't be that way right now, I start to feel some anger that I don't get to have you right now. I know things will be okay, and I know I'll get to see you again, and everything will be made right and even be better than they could have been right now, but it's still so hard right now to not get to see you, or have you here. Someone once sent me an e-mail that was a "be thankful for what you have" type of an e-mail, and one thing it mentioned was to be grateful you can tuck your children into their beds instead of having to visit their graves, or something like that. I've never forgotten that because it made me feel so many emotions. I'm not even sure I could describe all of my feelings, but a couple of stronger ones I had from reading that statement was feeling grateful that people acknowledged how hard it is to loose a child, and how much it really affects their whole life. I don't get to read you bedtime stories. I get to visit your grave. I don't get to see you right now. I get to try to remember my quickly fading memories of you, or watch home video or look at pictures that will never increase to include more, at least not for a long time. I have some bitter feelings from that e-mail, but only because I hate that I had to loose you and that it's true for me! I don't get to be grateful that I don't have to visit my child's grave instead of tucking him into bed! I hate being angry about loosing you because I would never wish to take away the glory that is now yours and make you come back or wish you back to this sin filled, trial ridden world!! I just miss you so much sometimes that I get tired of trying to be brave and strong. But, what's hard is that even when I'm tired, it doesn't change anything. As hard as it is sometimes to be strong and have faith, it's honestly harder to not be that way because then I loose my hope as well, and that's the darkest place to be. But, even with faith, I still miss your company, and I can't wait for the day when we get to be together again!

Halloween

This is a picture of you on your last Halloween here. We dressed you up as Matt Payne from the BYU football team! He was the kicker, but he was tough and we liked to watch him play! You were such a fan of sports, and this home made costume looked so cute on you! It is still one of my favorite costumes for all my kids because we spent the time to make it for you. You had a lot of fun trick-or-treating with Thomas and Laurie, and at the carnival. I hate to go here, but I wonder what you would have been the last two Halloweens if you were still here? What would you be into? So many of the kids at Thomas and Laurie's school who are in kindergarten were Spiderman! It was weird to see them in the Halloween parade because they looked so small and young! You wouldn't have been in kindergarten until next year, but some of those little kids would have been in your primary class age group, and were less than a year older than you would have been! The more time that passes the weirder it is to me to think of how I would be the mom of a 3 year old boy, and then a 4 year old boy, and this January, you would have turned 5! I try not to let myself go here much because it is so hard for me when I get stuck in the "what could have been" thoughts. I find myself going there more and more because my memories are fading, yet I still think of you everyday. So, instead of thinking of specific memories, I find myself thinking of now, and what might have been. I still have to remind myself and push myself to think of how you REALLY are right now, an amazing spirit on the other side doing amazing things I'm sure! And, I'm sure you are around watching over us and your siblings. I wonder if EmmaLee especially gets to see you often. I sometimes think about days ahead when your siblings will ask about you and I'll get to tell them what a special brother they have! I really miss you!!! I think I need to try to go to the temple sometime soon because I always feel more comforted after going there, partly because I always feel closer to you when I go there! I always hope that I'll have a dream about you, or some kind of special experience where I will get to feel you close, or even get to see you! I know it's possible, I just don't know if it's something I'll get to experience in this life. And, even if I do, who knows when it might happen! I'll probably never stop hoping for the chance until I do get to see you again, whether here or meeting on the other side! I love you my son!