Halloween

This is a picture of you on your last Halloween here. We dressed you up as Matt Payne from the BYU football team! He was the kicker, but he was tough and we liked to watch him play! You were such a fan of sports, and this home made costume looked so cute on you! It is still one of my favorite costumes for all my kids because we spent the time to make it for you. You had a lot of fun trick-or-treating with Thomas and Laurie, and at the carnival. I hate to go here, but I wonder what you would have been the last two Halloweens if you were still here? What would you be into? So many of the kids at Thomas and Laurie's school who are in kindergarten were Spiderman! It was weird to see them in the Halloween parade because they looked so small and young! You wouldn't have been in kindergarten until next year, but some of those little kids would have been in your primary class age group, and were less than a year older than you would have been! The more time that passes the weirder it is to me to think of how I would be the mom of a 3 year old boy, and then a 4 year old boy, and this January, you would have turned 5! I try not to let myself go here much because it is so hard for me when I get stuck in the "what could have been" thoughts. I find myself going there more and more because my memories are fading, yet I still think of you everyday. So, instead of thinking of specific memories, I find myself thinking of now, and what might have been. I still have to remind myself and push myself to think of how you REALLY are right now, an amazing spirit on the other side doing amazing things I'm sure! And, I'm sure you are around watching over us and your siblings. I wonder if EmmaLee especially gets to see you often. I sometimes think about days ahead when your siblings will ask about you and I'll get to tell them what a special brother they have! I really miss you!!! I think I need to try to go to the temple sometime soon because I always feel more comforted after going there, partly because I always feel closer to you when I go there! I always hope that I'll have a dream about you, or some kind of special experience where I will get to feel you close, or even get to see you! I know it's possible, I just don't know if it's something I'll get to experience in this life. And, even if I do, who knows when it might happen! I'll probably never stop hoping for the chance until I do get to see you again, whether here or meeting on the other side! I love you my son!