4 Long Years Later

This is a day late, but yesterday marked 4 years since you left us. I can't believe it has already been 4 years! It feels like a different life time since I held you, kissed you, watched you, knew you. And yet, I wonder, how long before I actually get to see you again? Four years has lasted a lifetime it seems like, yet I doubt it is even close to half way to when I get to see you again. There are still so many more years ahead. Part of me hates this thought and wishes I could see you right now, but the other part of me hopes I won't because I don't want to leave your dad and siblings yet either. I feel my heart is in two places. Isaac is getting so big now, and I can't help thinking sometimes what it would be like if you were still here to play together. You are both such boy boys. I'm sure you would have been wrestling, playing ball, driving RC cars, and all sorts of other fun boy things! But, it doesn't help thinking about what could have been because it isn't. I know you are doing amazing things and are happy. I hope I am able to be strong so when we meet again, I will feel worthy of being your mom! I love you buddy!

In My Thoughts

You are in my thoughts today. I don't really have any words to say, but I'm thinking of you. I'm getting more paranoid with the kids lately. I'm always worrying about accidents. Maybe it's because we are so unstable in our lives right now, but it is becoming a huge struggle for me. I picture them falling off the deck, or down the stairs, or some other thing. I try to remind myself that if they are meant to go, they will, no matter how careful I am, and I try not my worries affect them in a negative way. Some days are easier than others. Life is hard right now. I hope it gets easier soon.

Another Grandpa

Well, Caydin, you have another Grandpa up there with you now! At first, you were with lots of family, but only family that I didn't know very well. Now you are starting to get more family of familiar faces, at least to me! I so badly wanted to tell both Helmut and Grandpa to say hi for me and give you a great big hug and kiss from me, but I wasn't able to tell them that before they went. I secretly hope that they knew. I miss you so much, and it's brought all my thoughts and emotions about you right back up to the surface again loosing grandpa. I will miss him so much too. And, it has made the reality of seeing you again more real again. To survive each day, it's like I've had to accept the fact that my relationship with you is a more distant one right now. I have come to accept my "angel" in heaven and become more used to thinking of you in that way, and accept the fact that it could be a while before I get to see you again. "Someday" I will see you again, and "someday" I will get to hold you again, but for my heart to function even somewhat normally, I don't think so literally of when that "someday" might actually be. So, when grandpa went home, suddenly I remembered that there WILL be a someday, and I wish for it so much! I think the whole first day I found out Grandpa passed away was spent just trying to soak in the realization that his "someday" was finally here! He was only 12 years old when his 8 year old brother, Charles, was hit and killed by a car. He had to wait until he was 78 years old for his "someday", but now it is a reality! I just pray for strength to get through until my "someday" is here! Oh how I miss you and long for my "someday"!!!

Thinking of You

I haven't written here forever! This last month has turned out to be a hard one, and very emotional. First of all, it would be hard because of our work situation, but I think the stress of life has brought back all the stress of when we lost you. It's just been tougher! I think some of it has to do with moving back into the house in Sandy, where you lived pretty much your whole life. All the memories are there with you, and add that to the stress we are going through again, it's like its been the first few months after we loss you again! It's like De Ja Vu! I had a really bad day this last week especially. Kaylie has supposedly been seeing you again, it and really upset me to hear. I think I'm upset more at Scott and Shawnee still for all the rude things they've done to us, and to the whole family since Helmut passed away and it makes me mad that their family might be having close connections with MY Caydin when they won't even talk to his family! They don't deserve to have that experience! But, I know that's not fair, and Rob helped me to realize that Caydin will always spend more time with us as his immediate family than with others. I think I just miss Caydin so much and want to see him and feel close to him so bad that I get insanely jealous of anyone who might be having that opportunity, especially if I am having problems with those people to begin with! Anyway, I hope you will forgive your mother for still being so imperfect and weak so much. I'm sure it's my own weaknesses that keep me from feeling closer to you and having more spiritual experiences with you. I will try to be better! I love and miss you so much!