tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91820436907979933382024-03-14T00:43:16.911-07:00Caydin Fischer 1/23/03-8/28/05This site is about Caydin, and I know it can be found through my other blog. I don't mind that people read it. I hope it helps them understand me better, or what I'm going through with loosing Caydin. It's not an easy subject to bring up, yet I feel often the need to express thoughts of Caydin, as it's an everyday part of my life. If you have found this site, don't be afraid to share comments because I would like to talk with people about it more!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-36683737209304150592014-01-23T11:37:00.000-08:002014-01-23T11:37:01.604-08:00Happy Birthday!Well, it's been a couple of years since I wrote on here. Grief is so unpredictable; it is constantly changing. Sometimes it is helpful to write about things, and other times it isn't, and you never know how long a particular mood will last! Life has also been busy with five small children still here to keep me busy and distracted. You would have been 11 today which is so hard to believe! What would life have been like if you were here? It got a little easier for me when more time passed because it is honestly harder and harder for me to picture what things would have been like because you are my oldest, so nobody else have been where you would be yet. I'm no as aware of who is your age in the area, so it helps me not think about it very much, which is good as it is these thoughts that can bring me down the hardest and fastest! But, I can't help every once in a while to wonder what it would have been like. What kinds of things would you be into? You always loved sports, especially soccer, so would you have been into that, both with wanting to play outback, and on video games and watching it? How would you have interacted with your siblings? It's weird now to think of Eden not being the oldest. How would all your siblings be different if they still had you around? You were so sweet to Eden, and I think you would have been good to your siblings, even though I know there would have been fights as well! I'm sure you would have wrestled with Isaac and Ammon! Isaac has talked about how he wishes he had you here to play with. I'm sure you would have still loved fishing, and you, Dad, and Isaac would be quite the fishing group, with Eden likely still going along as well! I wonder how often you check up on us? I know you must be busy with important things, and that you are in a place of peace. I wish I could tell when you are with us more often, but maybe that would be harder in some ways, too. Despite the hard road this grief is, I'm so grateful you were born to me and in my life here, even for such a short time. I still remember when I got to hold you for the first time in the hospital. You laid on my shoulder, and I can still almost feel your soft hair on my cheek, and smell that sweet new baby smell as I breathed you in! I wouldn't give that up for anything!!! I love you and miss you sweet buddies!<br />
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<br />Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-67235241411130634252010-08-27T17:39:00.000-07:002010-08-27T17:41:26.697-07:00Five YearsFive years ago right now we were sitting in a PICU room with you, trying to figure out what was going on and how our lives could have changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time! I'm doing better today than I thought I would, and tomorrow we have several things planned that will help keep me from allowing myself to think too much about what happened five years ago. I still haven't figured out the best way to deal with this day. It always brings back memories of my side of the experience, even though I try really hard to think of your side instead. It is a day of celebration for you; you passed your mortal test and "graduated" back to heaven; for you a place of peace and glory! I almost feel like it is a day to celebrate, but then the reality of what I went through and what happened, and how much I miss you hits me, and I think, maybe it's a day for quiet celebration. The bigger deal I make of the day, the harder it becomes, even if I try making it a positive day! I don't think I've totally recovered from the trauma of my side, and I'm not sure when I will, or even if I will until I get to see and hold and kiss you again! <br />
<br />
So, on this the eve of the 5th anniversary of the last day on earth for you, I hope you know how much I love and miss you, and how grateful I am that you are my son!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-47661256704137445932010-01-22T19:28:00.000-08:002010-01-22T19:45:43.739-08:00Happy Birthday!7 years ago tonight I was in labor and wondering if you were EVER going to come out of me! But, sure enough, shortly after midnight, you came out; not the way we thought you were going to, but out you came! It was well over an hour after you were born before I got to hold you because of my recovery and because you were running a slight fever, but when I finally did get to hold you, it made it all worth it! You were so soft, and I remember just rubbing your hair and just loving the feel of you next to my body! It is so weird to think you would be 7 in just a couple of hours! Since you were my oldest, it is always kind of hard to imagine what it would be like if you were here. I've never been the mom of a 7 year old, even though I've been a mom for 7 years. I don't know how time works in Heaven, but I know it's different than here, but I hope the moments that are tomorrow here will be one of celebration for you there. Even though it is hard for me to think about what you are not here to do and celebrate, your birthday will always be a very happy occation! It's the day our spirits got to be connected in more ways than one, and that will NEVER change! I love you, and am so grateful for your entry into my life 7 years ago!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-10373548632323197592009-08-29T22:18:00.000-07:002009-08-29T22:30:04.409-07:004 Long Years LaterThis is a day late, but yesterday marked 4 years since you left us. I can't believe it has already been 4 years! It feels like a different life time since I held you, kissed you, watched you, knew you. And yet, I wonder, how long before I actually get to see you again? Four years has lasted a lifetime it seems like, yet I doubt it is even close to half way to when I get to see you again. There are still so many more years ahead. Part of me hates this thought and wishes I could see you right now, but the other part of me hopes I won't because I don't want to leave your dad and siblings yet either. I feel my heart is in two places. Isaac is getting so big now, and I can't help thinking sometimes what it would be like if you were still here to play together. You are both such boy boys. I'm sure you would have been wrestling, playing ball, driving RC cars, and all sorts of other fun boy things! But, it doesn't help thinking about what could have been because it isn't. I know you are doing amazing things and are happy. I hope I am able to be strong so when we meet again, I will feel worthy of being your mom! I love you buddy!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-60308490907096027292009-06-05T15:35:00.000-07:002009-06-05T15:42:17.869-07:00In My ThoughtsYou are in my thoughts today. I don't really have any words to say, but I'm thinking of you. I'm getting more paranoid with the kids lately. I'm always worrying about accidents. Maybe it's because we are so unstable in our lives right now, but it is becoming a huge struggle for me. I picture them falling off the deck, or down the stairs, or some other thing. I try to remind myself that if they are meant to go, they will, no matter how careful I am, and I try not my worries affect them in a negative way. Some days are easier than others. Life is hard right now. I hope it gets easier soon.Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-82587106241160473672009-04-03T19:13:00.001-07:002009-04-03T19:27:27.731-07:00Another GrandpaWell, Caydin, you have another Grandpa up there with you now! At first, you were with lots of family, but only family that I didn't know very well. Now you are starting to get more family of familiar faces, at least to me! I so badly wanted to tell both Helmut and Grandpa to say hi for me and give you a great big hug and kiss from me, but I wasn't able to tell them that before they went. I secretly hope that they knew. I miss you so much, and it's brought all my thoughts and emotions about you right back up to the surface again loosing grandpa. I will miss him so much too. And, it has made the reality of seeing you again more real again. To survive each day, it's like I've had to accept the fact that my relationship with you is a more distant one right now. I have come to accept my "angel" in heaven and become more used to thinking of you in that way, and accept the fact that it could be a while before I get to see you again. "Someday" I will see you again, and "someday" I will get to hold you again, but for my heart to function even somewhat normally, I don't think so literally of when that "someday" might actually be. So, when grandpa went home, suddenly I remembered that there WILL be a someday, and I wish for it so much! I think the whole first day I found out Grandpa passed away was spent just trying to soak in the realization that his "someday" was finally here! He was only 12 years old when his 8 year old brother, Charles, was hit and killed by a car. He had to wait until he was 78 years old for his "someday", but now it is a reality! I just pray for strength to get through until my "someday" is here! Oh how I miss you and long for my "someday"!!!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-80025687600451371142009-02-18T15:56:00.000-08:002009-02-18T16:03:36.233-08:00Thinking of YouI haven't written here forever! This last month has turned out to be a hard one, and very emotional. First of all, it would be hard because of our work situation, but I think the stress of life has brought back all the stress of when we lost you. It's just been tougher! I think some of it has to do with moving back into the house in Sandy, where you lived pretty much your whole life. All the memories are there with you, and add that to the stress we are going through again, it's like its been the first few months after we loss you again! It's like De Ja Vu! I had a really bad day this last week especially. Kaylie has supposedly been seeing you again, it and really upset me to hear. I think I'm upset more at Scott and Shawnee still for all the rude things they've done to us, and to the whole family since Helmut passed away and it makes me mad that their family might be having close connections with MY Caydin when they won't even talk to his family! They don't deserve to have that experience! But, I know that's not fair, and Rob helped me to realize that Caydin will always spend more time with us as his immediate family than with others. I think I just miss Caydin so much and want to see him and feel close to him so bad that I get insanely jealous of anyone who might be having that opportunity, especially if I am having problems with those people to begin with! Anyway, I hope you will forgive your mother for still being so imperfect and weak so much. I'm sure it's my own weaknesses that keep me from feeling closer to you and having more spiritual experiences with you. I will try to be better! I love and miss you so much!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-91065036018027870632008-08-24T20:08:00.000-07:002008-08-24T20:15:25.737-07:00You have your papa back!How papa has missed you! Besides your dad and I, I think he missed you the most! And now, you two are together again! I'm slightly jealous! I have often wondered who it would be that would get to see you again the soonest, and how appropriate that it's your papa. Loosing Helmut has brought back a lot of the memories of loosing you. It has made it so real and fresh again. It has also made it feel so much more real that I will get to see you again someday! I mean, I tell myself that all the time, but it's some far away "someday", but now for Helmut, it's a reality! And, I just saw him a week ago! And now he's with you! I wanted to tell him to give you a big hug from me. I hope somehow the Lord let him know that and he did it, even though I didn't get to tell him myself! Keep a close eye on us, especially the next few months when it's the hardest to adjust to our new life without papa, especially for your siblings. If you want to pop in a dream or something along that line to give a word of comfort, feel free! I would love to see you!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-61054727611477174552008-08-07T18:53:00.000-07:002008-08-07T19:12:09.130-07:00TimeTime is a funny thing. Sometimes it moves fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes harder. When it comes to dealing with loosing you, it seems to do all these things at the same time! On one hand, I can't believe that at the end of this month it will have been 3 years since you passed away! The last three years seem like a blur they went by so fast! On the other hand, there are days that move so slow, and when I think of how many more years there most likely are still ahead before I get to see you again, time moves so slow! It can feel like it's going to be forever before I get to see you again! Once again, time has seemed to heal a lot of the hurt and pain of loosing you. Whole days can go by when I don't think about you in an emotional way. It's almost like saying I have blond hair; it's just a part of me. Then there are other days that I hate how much I have forgotten with the passing of time. I can't fully picture your face in my head anymore, just through pictures. I can't remember how your voice sounds, unless I'm watching home videos. I also can feel so weak in things I feel like I should be strong in. I can get mad at the kids sometimes so easily, and then I feel so bad because I wonder how I, who have lost a child and should know how precious each moment with them is, can allow my weak human imperfections to get so much the better of me! I look back at the times that I was impatient or mad at you and almost get overwhelmed with regret and wishing I hadn't been that way, yet then I turn around and get mad at the kids because they interrupt my pondering! How hypocritical is that! I feel like on one hand my faith is so much stronger and that the gospel is so much more real, but the next moment I realize how many of the simple and basic things I'm slacking off in! But, maybe it's just because it's August that I feel so weak. The hardest day of the year is coming up for me, and as much as I try to not think about it or dwell on your passing away, I think it's pretty much impossible for me. The two hardest things for me to deal with are one, missing you, and two, trying not to think of your accident the way I experienced it. Missing you will always be there, and it's a bitter-sweet thing. I miss you, which is so hard, but I have comfort in knowing where you are, and I have comfort in knowing we will be together again. Your accident is different. On one hand I can rejoice in the fact that your test was done and you went home. If that's the only way I could think about it, it wouldn't be so bad! It's my mortal mind that throws me off with memories of what I then felt and saw as a tragedy, and all the emotions that came with it. But, dwelling on it won't help, so I will stop here! I miss you a ton and love you!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-21151591154606965032008-06-21T18:21:00.000-07:002008-06-21T18:33:28.957-07:00Isaac's BirthdayI don't want to dwell on this for long because I don't want it to be a big deal. Isaac turned two yesterday, and I couldn't help but think how 2 birthday's were all we got to celebrate with you here in this life. I'm sure I thought about it when Eden turned two as well, and maybe even more when she turned three! When she turned three, I remember kind of thinking, yeah, we made it past two! I don't think I'll think that as much anymore, but with Isaac, it's more that I'm realizing that he's reaching the age you were when we last saw you, and he is reminding me so much more of you as he gets bigger! I'm kind of worried that this next year might be a little harder because I wonder if he'll go through or do things that will bring back more memories of you because it's the last things I remember with you. Eden wasn't so much like that because you and she are so different, and she's a girl. You and Isaac have so much in common, and just have those little boy attitudes more so he reminds me more of you. I almost want to have those flashbacks, though, just so I can feel closer to you, but at the same time, I don't ever want Isaac to feel like anything he does brings us pain, or that he can't be him without worrying about if it's like you and might make us sad. He is so special as him, and I don't want him to not think that ever! I know you are so strong and just want us to be happy! It was hard when Melanie was in her accident the other week. When we first found out and were on our way to the hospital, even though I knew she was relatively okay, about 5 minutes before we got there, I just burst into tears! I'm sure I might have anyway, but especially after loosing you, emergencies and hospitals are NOT my favorite! I was so glad when I got to go in and see Melanie, and hug and kiss her, and she was awake and able to look and talk back to me! I know you had to have been helping to watch over her! It does make me feel a little more comforted when I think how someone so close to me can be helping to take care of others who are close to me as well! I know how little control I actually have in this life, and I'm so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that God can do anything, so even though we are imperfect, he still takes care of us!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-69760476371739903642008-06-06T20:30:00.001-07:002008-06-06T20:37:36.807-07:00Memorial DayI have survived another Memorial Day! This year wasn't so bad in the sense that I didn't think a whole lot about it before, so there wasn't build up to go along with the day itself! I have to give a talk in Sacrament meeting this Sunday, and I have to introduce our family, which means everyone will know about you now! My topic is actually on optimism. I plan on bringing up what happened to you and how the gospel gives me hope and a reason to still be happy. All I have to do is miss you; I don't have to wonder where you are or if I will ever see you again! I have so many answers that give me hope for the future, even though missing you can still be so overwhelming and make me feel anything but happy! I hope it goes well, and I know I'm going to be nervous because even last week at church, I was sitting in the audience, and I already felt jittery and nervous for the talk, and it was still a week away!!! I hope you will be there with me!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-6015842975199089392008-05-01T16:08:00.000-07:002008-05-01T16:17:43.646-07:00Crazy?So, I've debated whether or not to post this blog, but I guess whether people end up thinking I'm totally morbid or not, it's how I feel! We drove by Caydin's grave again today, and I have to admit that I had a thought go through my head that has often gone through my head, especially in the last year or so. As I was sitting in the car, looking over at Caydin's grave (it was snowing, and often we go and just sit in the car as close to his grave as possible for minutes at a time to just reflect and ponder) and missing him and thinking about him, I had this urge to jump out of the car and go start digging him up. Of course it isn't reasonable, and no, it's not like I want to see his body after being dead for over 2 1/2 years, but at the same time, sometimes my memories of him seem like such a dream that even to see his decaying body would in my mind make me somehow feel a little closer to him again and help me to remember that he really was mine and here at one time! I just miss him so much and want to see him in the flesh again so badly that as morbid as that all sounds, I can't help thinking about it! But, I know it really wouldn't give me the relief I so long for because it is just his body, not him. It really would be no different than holding one of his shirts. His body is no more him than his shirt. He is in heaven, and I'll just have to keep being patient until I do get to hug him and hold him again. So, now my deep, dark secret is out, and I hope nobody thinks I'm crazy!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-85989509645206949632008-04-16T08:40:00.000-07:002008-12-10T15:19:51.594-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhneUX42Hhu8YkmlXtRSkHr1fPWVAV5GCEbDjKtmc8un1NM5qNNSs-w_VW4u7Eq6k4o7cU4lH-BYviFHrPEyqwlJy4uqCeLorFlEJOHLzhOycs_umKxl6mU3KeCf233UbGXf9JzgiYboA6I/s1600-h/CaydinRobDianaLaurie1.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhneUX42Hhu8YkmlXtRSkHr1fPWVAV5GCEbDjKtmc8un1NM5qNNSs-w_VW4u7Eq6k4o7cU4lH-BYviFHrPEyqwlJy4uqCeLorFlEJOHLzhOycs_umKxl6mU3KeCf233UbGXf9JzgiYboA6I/s400/CaydinRobDianaLaurie1.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5189868757681788002" /></a><br />I miss you. We were at Grandma and Papa's house this last week, and it seemed like no matter where I went, all I could think of was you. It was a bitter/sweet thing. On one hand, it was hard to be hit with a lot of emotion, especially since I wasn't anxious to have anybody there see me cry, so I was holding it all in, but on the other hand, after it hit me a few times, I went around looking for things that brought back memories because it helped me feel closer to you and remember you better! One of my biggest struggles right now is that I have a hard time actually remembering you. I can recall pictures that I have, and even home video, but I'm not remembering those actual incidents. At the house the other day, I was actually remembering you and some things you actually did and real experiences! It makes me miss you so much! Your dad was saying just last night that it would have been fun to see you and Isaac play and wrestle together! I know you would have loved having a brother, especially since you two have so much in common. Isaac loves balls, and so did you! I know you watch out for your siblings, and at least we get to have that knowledge to help ease the pain of not having you here where we can see you! Love you!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-59683710115291679922008-03-28T17:23:00.000-07:002008-12-10T15:19:51.715-08:00Sympathies<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwXz-6DvKoDMpPszXXZF0J_lUeFcnhwkMhjMj1zoN8r8tQeMbdSZ_SQM7ma3kJH6Mfx5rTyidjVG622MQMPyI7GUHUgUxWQ1Nq4dlYuAMCGQO1_52w2bHXFQYj2kTSeV3ZAkLbGocsYbiy/s1600-h/Caydin1+8-22-04.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwXz-6DvKoDMpPszXXZF0J_lUeFcnhwkMhjMj1zoN8r8tQeMbdSZ_SQM7ma3kJH6Mfx5rTyidjVG622MQMPyI7GUHUgUxWQ1Nq4dlYuAMCGQO1_52w2bHXFQYj2kTSeV3ZAkLbGocsYbiy/s400/Caydin1+8-22-04.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5182952846435738530" /></a><br />I found out today that a good friend of mine's sister passed away on Easter. She was only 28, and she leaves behind 3 children. She's had a rough life and wasn't living the best life style, but she had also been through a lot of hard times in her life and was probably doing the best she could. I never met her, but I was going to try to go to her viewing tonight or tomorrow, but both Isaac and EmmaLee have the stomach virus, and I just didn't feel good about leaving them. I'm planning on visiting both my friend and her mom, if not tomorrow, then sometime as soon as my kids are well. My heart aches for my friend and her mom, and for her sister's three children. I can't and don't want to imagine how hard it would be to explain to those kids that their mom isn't coming back. She might have made some bad choices, and not influenced her kids for the best all the time, but she loved them and they loved her! Talking to my friend brought back a lot of my memories of what it was like right after we lost Caydin and how emotional and hard it was. While the situations are slightly different, I know how much they are going to miss her, and while right now might be some of the hardest times, there are still many rough days ahead! My friend and her mom both received blessings that have already brought them comfort, and I'm sure they will continue to bring comfort as the time goes! But, I still pray for them and wish there was an easier way for the transition of when a loved one returns home!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-4683426736681150512008-03-16T21:16:00.000-07:002008-12-10T15:19:52.643-08:00Not so Fun!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjikM1hPCfIiPizIXIYuPy4eaRoo8B5AXvkprV5Lk4Ufz1vkjbR6zPvgk9YWKk3tNa_IJxF3BzKbL9JZ0mmC4rAfGfCg5ljSHKxHwWypp3OdqrTs2uL-IiRttbtI-kgv7NZ_wxBxXmCdQMU/s1600-h/CaydinMelanie4_24_04.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjikM1hPCfIiPizIXIYuPy4eaRoo8B5AXvkprV5Lk4Ufz1vkjbR6zPvgk9YWKk3tNa_IJxF3BzKbL9JZ0mmC4rAfGfCg5ljSHKxHwWypp3OdqrTs2uL-IiRttbtI-kgv7NZ_wxBxXmCdQMU/s400/CaydinMelanie4_24_04.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5178559966062471170" /></a><br />So, Friday night we were up at Grandma and Papa's house watching the Jazz game. We were actually the only ones there, Grandma and Papa were on their way home, as well as Bonnie, Allan, Brad, Ryan and Drew. Eden and Isaac were playing in the other room, and even though we couldn't see them, we weren't worried about them because we lived there for so long, it's almost like a second home and we figured kid proof. Wrong! All of the sudden we heard Isaac start crying, and it was one of those cries when you know something is wrong! I jumped up and ran into the kitchen, and there was Isaac, his whole head literally COVERED in liquid dish soap! He was crying and rubbing his eyes, which had soap in them, and he was just rubbing more soap in them! Eden had taken an almost full bottle of the soap and dumped it everywhere, on the floor, and all over Isaac! She must have done his head last because by the time he started crying and when I got in there, there was not enough time to make all the other mess. So, anyway, I yelled for Rob to come help me because I was almost so stunned I couldn't think of how to even start getting the soap off! Rob came in and told me to grab him and take him to the tub, which I did. Luckily his parents have a tub with a detachable shower head, so we sat him in the tub and quickly adjusted the temperature and then began hosing him off. He was bawling his head off and rubbing his eyes like crazy, and us spraying water all over him didn't help his panic. It was horrible! Everybody got home about 1 minute after we found all this, luckily, and they were taking care of EmmaLee and Eden for us so Rob and I were able to focus on Isaac. The only hard part about them all being there was that his parents were trying to "help" too much and just kind of got in the way. Even after we were able to get most of the soap off we knew we needed to irrigate his eyes, which was still traumatic for him. We got him out of the tub and tried to just irrigate his eyes by the sink, but he was so upset he wouldn't hold still, so water was going in his nose and mouth, and just panicking him more. I called poison control because we didn't know how seriously his eyes could be injured by that amount of soap in them. They told us to irrigate his eyes for 15 minutes, then to take a break for a little bit. They were going to call us back in an hour and see how he was. If certain symptoms were still there, we'd have to take him in to get his eyes checked, but if they were gone, he'd be fine. We finished irrigating them, and then everyone took turns trying to distract him. He looked like he'd been punched in both eyes! His eyes themselves were red, and he was just swollen and red all around the area. He would be okay for a few minutes, and then he'd kind of start crying and pointing at his eyes and say "eye"! It was so sad! But, by the time poison control called back, his eyeballs were a lot clearer, and he seemed okay. They just said to try to keep the lights dim and try to not let him rub them much, especially once he got tired and went to bed. The guy was really nice and said he'd be there all night and to call back if we had any questions. We finally left his parents house, but it was hard because we kept debating what to do because one second he'd be find, and the next he was crying all over about them! His left eye especially still seemed a little red. We stopped at the local store before heading home and got some eye drops that hopefully helped him have a little relief. They actually told us not to use the drops when it first happened because sometimes they can mask the symptoms of a more serious injury, but once we knew he was okay, we decided to use them. Anyway, he ended up being fine, and slept great that night after we got home and he went to bed, but it was a really stressful event for me and Rob. I think ever since loosing Caydin, situations like these are tons more stressful because it brings back a lot of the emotions that we felt when we lost Caydin, and we know that sometimes the worst case scenarios really do happen! I feared that Isaac was going to go blind, and all the life changes that would mean for him and us, and I worried about how that would affect Eden. We got mad at her right at first, but were so busy taking care of Isaac that we didn't do much at first. Rob went and talked to her after Isaac was somewhat okay to make sure she was okay. It's hard because she is still so young herself that she didn't know what she was doing or that it would hurt Isaac. So, the thoughts of him going blind, and her being the reason was so hard to think of. In fact, I had to stop thinking about it because it wasn't happening, and I had to remind myself that if it did happen, Heavenly Father would bless us to get through it and everything it would bring to pass. Rob and I were talking about it on the way home, and one thing that often is hard for us now is knowing how and where to put our faith. I mean, of course our faith is in Heavenly Father, but sometimes we aren't sure what to have faith about. Do we try to have the faith that it won't be serious, or do we just wait and see what happens and trust that it's the Lord's will? We've often heard the talks and stories about how faith healed or changed the course of things, but often we don't know how long to pray for certain things. I mean, when everything first happened with Caydin, I thought I was having faith that he would be healed. I remembered his baby blessing that said he would do well in his school work, and I thought, well, he can't die then because he has to go to school. And, he received a couple of blessings that said he would be healed, so when everything kept coming back very negative and not very hopeful, I feared that I didn't have enough faith. I feared that I was too weak to bring the blessing of healing to my son. I wanted to believe he was going to wake up and be my sweet, happy, energetic little boy, but it wasn't happening, and every test was coming back saying the very opposite! Even when I realized and knew that he wasn't going to be coming back, I felt very guilty that somehow it was partly my fault because I didn't believe strong enough that he could be healed. I know the spirit must have been whispering peace to my soul or else I know I couldn't have handled the events leading up to his last moments here on earth with as much calmness as I did at that time, but Satan was also whispering to me at that time that I was being selfish and just not being willing enough to have the faith to heal him. Luckily, Heavenly Father blessed me fairly quickly with the knowledge that it was his time to go and that it was not a lack of faith that prevented him from staying, but simply that it was the Lord's will that he should return home at that time. Anyway, even with that knowledge, I find that it is often hard for me when situations happen like the one with Isaac and the soap because I still fear knowing if I've done everything I should! I mean, I worried about if we still needed to take Isaac in and if we were doing the right thing or not by not taking him in. I knew how guilty I would feel if some long term consequence happened that wouldn't have happened if we'd only taken him in! I think I fear the responsibility of making good decisions for my children now. Because of what we went through with Caydin, I don't always think clearly, and I fear more extreme things and get paranoid so much quicker and easier! But, I know this about myself, so I fight it more as well, and try to do the logical thing. But, it's like my paranoid self is fighting the whole time with my logical self, and the fight itself makes me a hundred times more stressed than I would be if I was just one way or the other! I understand how easy it could be to go weird and crazy after loosing a close loved one! Things that were once easy and non-complicated suddenly because these huge, emotional situations! Anyway, my kids are needing me, and I'm tired and not sure this is even coming out in any kind of logical way, but I just know that since it happened Friday night, I've felt emotionally drained and stressed, and I'm trying to figure out how to relieve it! I'm trying to figure out my emotions and what all is involved in what I'm feeling so I can let it go and deal with life a little better!!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-62372118966651909002008-03-02T18:29:00.000-08:002008-12-10T15:19:52.827-08:00Still Surprising<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0snM7-nKyquLNbCRz4R8coW7zCYRDIdOnoXRfdvmrLUQ7_KyyVmkUn1YsNtIRnxTiJy9_A5GhduPI9sd-5gpGxdqS6WjjEfLwEHjmDLzd7nwoYgkypCG_zY2YeQS-W_zknXobfMFTapfi/s1600-h/masoncaydin.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0snM7-nKyquLNbCRz4R8coW7zCYRDIdOnoXRfdvmrLUQ7_KyyVmkUn1YsNtIRnxTiJy9_A5GhduPI9sd-5gpGxdqS6WjjEfLwEHjmDLzd7nwoYgkypCG_zY2YeQS-W_zknXobfMFTapfi/s400/masoncaydin.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5173337164031075058" /></a><br />I'm not sure what to write because I don't know how to put into words everything I am feeling, and I know my attempts would be long and drawn out, and I'm not sure I'm up for that right now! I do have to say that I am still surprised at how many things can happen that I wasn't expecting. Maybe a better way to describe it is that I'm surprised at how I handle things sometimes. The other day we were all in the van driving home from somewhere, and Rob turned around and saw Isaac choking a bit on something he'd had. I don't remember exactly what was said and how, but at one point Rob said something like "he's still choking", and I turned around, but by the time I turned around, he was fine. But, what was weird to me is what happened to me in probably literally 1 second or less, however long it takes for someone to quickly turn in their seat in a car to look behind them. As soon as I sensed from Rob that it might be serious, I instantly started hyperventelating, but what was weird is that I heard myself breathing hard rather than just knew because I was doing it! My whole body went numb, and it was kind of like in the movies when they suddenly zoom in on somebody. Nothing else in the world existed except us in that car at that moment. But, like I said, it was weird because it was over so quickly! I was almost in a state of shock right after because I had reacted so strongly for just a split second, but it ended up being nothing serious so quickly! I remember sitting there and thinking of what my body had just done and thinking how unexpected the whole reaction was, especially since it's not the first time he's choked on something and I didn't react like that before! Most days in the last year or so have been pretty "normal" days for me, meaning that I think of Caydin, but I don't really have the emotional part of missing him affect me as much. Some days can be hard, but mostly just from missing him, and the rest of the time I feel almost like it never happened. Or at least, that's what I thought. I think this experience taught me that no matter how normal I think I feel, I will never be the same. I will never react the same way to situations as I once did, and no matter how well I think I'm dealing with it, there will always be times and incidents that are going to pop up and take me by surprise! I feel like as time goes, different struggles arise that I have to deal with. I think right after Caydin passed away, part of dealing with it was having the spirit with us more to comfort us. We needed it just to survive the days. I think we still need it, but it's like it's not as close or as much as before, or maybe we just don't think about it as much and are slower to do what we need to do to keep it with us more, like the Nephites. We start forgetting how much we need to do all the basic things because we feel stronger and become more prideful in thinking we need the help, and as a result, slowly start drifting into compliency in our daily habits. I think I fear accidents and loosing another child more now than I did right after loosing Caydin! I think some of that is normal, but I think some of it is because I'm slacking in reading my scriptures, or saying my prayers as sincerely, so I'm leaving myself more open to Satan's influences. Not that this is totally in my control, but I haven't been able to go to the temple since before EmmaLee was born. Nursing her makes it difficult to leave for more than 2 hours since other people are not able to help her if she gets hungry. The only option for that is if I pump so there is a bottle for her. But, I haven't taken the time to see if she would accept a bottle, and I have thought, oh I need to do that, but then I forget, so as a result have not been able to leave her with babysitters. I finally did try it last night, and she did great (unlike Isaac who refused bottles for a full month when I was trying to wean him when I got pregnant with EmmaLee!). So, hopefully now Rob and I can make it to the temple sometime soon. But, I have found great comfort in the temple since loosing Caydin especially, and not having been able to go for so long has probably not helped my spirituality! I think all the ways I've been feeling lately are really showing me that I need to revamp my life and really try a little harder to do the basic things I know I should be doing. Having three small children often makes me think that I spend most of my days just trying to survive! But, there is a saying I have heard that I think most people have heard that basically says something like I'm too busy in my day to take time to pray, but in the end they realize that they are too busy in their lives to NOT take the time to pray. That's how I feel right now. I need to make sure I am taking the time everyday to do those basic things and invite the spirit into my life and home so I can enjoy the time I have right now with my husband and kids, instead of just trying to survive the days! Anyway, we were finally able to visit Caydin's grave today for the first time in probably a month. It's been hard to get there now that we've moved away. Whenever we are up that way it's usually for a reason, and time goes so fast we find we are needing to leave to go home without having the chance to go up! I've told more people about you in the last few weeks. Everyone reacts slightly differently, some I appreciate more than others, but all have been okay. I haven't cried in front of anyone yet, and I wonder when that one will happen first! I've also been surprised because I'm finding that word has spread a little more than I would have thought and that more people actually do know about you than I had thought! It's funny how some people I have known for like a month, and they still don't know, but other people I have met once, and they found out! I guess it's all a matter of what you end up talking about with people!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-55199598466268107782008-01-23T10:16:00.000-08:002008-12-10T15:19:52.972-08:00Happy Birthday!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6KxsVC-3RCIzIb9DrEhwqrspxiBEPoab4kIEVCSPyRV2XXXToNQCl1jNVGVu2J3iAOvCe9HRPehq5ku5o7twecqZARP1KZHOzipi70DByOB7juYlS-KLdR7dYiEhJ6hrd5y8WReTXAA5_/s1600-h/CaydinWig1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6KxsVC-3RCIzIb9DrEhwqrspxiBEPoab4kIEVCSPyRV2XXXToNQCl1jNVGVu2J3iAOvCe9HRPehq5ku5o7twecqZARP1KZHOzipi70DByOB7juYlS-KLdR7dYiEhJ6hrd5y8WReTXAA5_/s400/CaydinWig1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5158737714315924002" /></a><br />"Oh how I miss you, wish I could kiss you, hug you hold you, it would be best to!" That song is going through my head like crazy today, and even though it is an upbeat song, I just feel like crying the whole thing! I'm so glad you were born into my life 5 years ago! As hard as it is to miss you, I would never wish it hadn't of happened because I love you so much! I have to admit that I'm weak today, though and wish you hadn't of died. I got a ward directory for the new ward yesterday and I've been pouring over it, seeing who everybody is, seeing who has kids close to my kids ages, and everytime I saw one that would have been your age, I can't help but think, oh, that's about what size you would be, or what age personality you would be at. Ever since we've moved I've been thinking about you a lot more, and as a result, today is ending up being a lot harder than I had thought it would be. I want to be happy and celebrate, but all I feel like doing is crying! The RS president and one of her counselors came over yesterday and I ended up telling them about you and what happened. I was relieved to tell someone here, but at the same time, it brought back the memories of loosing you again so now they are fresh, which makes today even harder! I think I should have made some kind of plans for today to celebrate your birth because now instead I almost feel like I'm wondering around in a kind of daze, not sure if I should be happy or sad, or what I should do! Do I live like it's a normal day, just like any other, or do I focus on you, but since I have nothing planned, spend it thinking of you and how much I miss you and wish I was planning a birthday party for my little boy! I know you want me to be happy, and I know you are happy where you are, so I'll try to be happier for you, for your presant! I love you!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-16003153060229461862008-01-18T17:24:00.000-08:002008-12-10T15:19:53.126-08:00Our New Home<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxE5amsbIciM62dhb444JqS0tjLkA0ssGryJ3YWBl7WxdaQe6A7YDdsU_NNOznSYDQ-IjKcuycUdNXsCeUaI54r-5k5Gj1mylXFjSMeGwe5odsVTi6zHOo_dsknFQDWU7feneyq440qEqU/s1600-h/Caydin.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxE5amsbIciM62dhb444JqS0tjLkA0ssGryJ3YWBl7WxdaQe6A7YDdsU_NNOznSYDQ-IjKcuycUdNXsCeUaI54r-5k5Gj1mylXFjSMeGwe5odsVTi6zHOo_dsknFQDWU7feneyq440qEqU/s400/Caydin.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5156992894529590882" /></a><br />So, we've been in our new home now for almost 3 weeks! At first the days were going by really slow, but now it seems like it's going by pretty fast! So far we haven't told anyone about you. The first Sunday we were here we only went to Sacrament, and really didn't talk to anybody. Last week we stayed for classes, and in RS, they asked me to introduce myself, so I told them my name, where we were from, and how many were in our family. It was kind of funny because when I said I had 4 kids, a couple of different people said things all at the same time. One lady next to me started saying that I should tell how old they all were, and for a split second I worried because I wasn't quite sure I wanted to explain to everyone on that first meeting about loosing you, so I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but right after she said that, a few other people started saying things, including one lady who had noticed EmmaLee in her car seat next to me, and she was telling everyone that I had one right here with me. It was kind of funny, actually, like it was a treasure hunt or something and she'd found the gold! Anyway, it distracted everyone enough that the lady conducting basically just summed it up saying that I had one with me and some in Primary. I said yes and sat down! So, nobody knows yet about you! The RS precidency tried to stop by yesterday to say hi, but they came right when Rob had a church basketball game, so we were at the church watching him play! So, they just left a little note. To be honest, I'm not sure which way I'd rather have it happen, in some mass way like it almost happened in RS, or individually. I guess it would kind of depend on the way they responded, which I won't ever know until it just happens! I've missed not being able to go to your grave since we've moved. I know you aren't there, but I still miss it just the same. I have felt like you've been able to be here with us, though. I find myself thinking about you randomly, and I wonder if it's because you happen to be here at that moment! A couple of days ago I laid EmmaLee down on the floor by the computer, and then I went into the other room for a couple of minutes, and while I was in the other room, I heard EmmaLee just laughing! I came in to see why, and she was just staring up at some random spot on the ceiling and just laughing! I wondered and hoped that maybe you were here talking to her, and I wished sooooo bad that I knew for sure and that I could see for myself if you were! In situations like that, I like to think that you are here, but sometimes I can almost get mad because I want to know for sure. I don't just want to think it's true so I can feel good inside if it's not really true! I know you must be able to come around sometimes, but there have been very few times when I have known for a fact that you really were around. There have been a lot of times when I have suspected you were, but I didn't know if it was the spirit whispering to me that you were, or just me wishing and hoping you were. In fact, I think there's really only been one experience where I knew without a doubt you were there, and I even had a witness! When my cousin Cody and his wife Karina got sealed in the Manti temple, I know you were there. We had to stand in the Celestial room for a few minutes before we got to go into the sealing room, and I remember standing next to your dad and talking to some family member about some totally unrelated thing when I suddenly got hit with the strongest impression that you were there. I even told your dad that you were there. That was special enough, but then we went into the sealing room, and the sealer started. Right at the beginning when he started talking, he was talking about how special this was, and then he point blank said that if there were any family members who had gone on before for us to know that they were there with us at that time! He didnt' say it exactly like that , but when he said it, I had to bow my head because I couldn't hold the tears back! And, a lot of family in the room looked at me when he said it because they all knew that Caydin was there as well, and lets just say there weren't a whole lot of dry eyes in the room. It was pretty special! So, since then, I have often wondered if when I randomly start thinking about you, if that means you are nearby. But, then I think that of course I'm going to think about you often, and I'm not sure you are able to be here every single time! So, then I wondered when you are, and when you are not. I also wonder if you can hear my thoughts or not. I mean, if I say something to you in my head, do you hear it? I know Heavenly Father and Jesus can hear my thoughts and know all, but how does it work with someone like you? Are you granted that priviledge of knowing what I say to you in my head, or would I have to say it out loud, and would you have to be present? Something tells me that you know how I am feeling, but I don't understand the connection really, and how much of one is there. I've read a lot of quotes, and books written by the general authorities, but I've never found anything that really addresses this topic. I mean, I remember one account by somebody whose either mother or father was having an extremely hard time dealing with the loss of their son, and I think the son came to them somehow and told them to not grieve for them so much, or something like that. So, I know they can know how we are feeling, but is it just from observation, or is there a bigger, deeper connection? And, if there is a bigger, deeper connection, is it only one sided? I don't feel your emotions. I mean, I know you are probably very happy, and in a very peaceful, spiritual and wonderful place, but even when I knew you were in the room, I didn't "feel" you. I think I wish I could feel you almost more than anything else! I feel the holy ghost, but I don't feel you. It's like talking to someone on the phone with a bad connection where you know they are there and can hear you, but you can't hear anything from them. I guess that's part of what the veil is, huh!? I'm grateful at least for my knowledge of the truth, even if I can't physically confirm it's truth, and I hope that someday I will be close enough to the spirit, or granted the blessing of maybe being able to be a little closer to you in an emotional way (or something like that-it's kind of hard to put into words exactly what I mean!!)!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-45690734207173007142007-12-19T13:29:00.000-08:002007-12-19T14:35:09.852-08:00Moving and Thanks Laura!It's getting closer to when we are going to be moving down to Springville and while it hasn't been a huge issue, it has occured to me how much further away from your grave we are going to be. Also, as excited as I am to be getting into our own place, we are also leaving the only home we ever had with you here on this earth (if you don't count the four week escapade in Syracuse when you were a baby). These things aren't you, but they are some of the few last physical ties we have with you, so it's kind of difficult to leave them behind. Of course we will still come visit your grave, but probably not as often, and as long as your dad's parents don't move, we will also be able to visit the house. On the entry way wall, there is still some of your artwork in pen! I stop and look at it every once in a while and think about how you drew all those marks! I was somewhat upset when you did it because I didn't know how to clean it off, and it's not my house, so I felt bad! But, you passed away, and I don't have the heart now to even try to get rid of it! Luckily, there is multi-colored paint behind it, so it's not super obvious! I think what makes it so hard to think about leaving it all behind is I have a hard enough time remembering my memories of you very well, so once we are in a totally new place where nothing I see was ever related to you, it'll be even harder! But, I keep reminding myself that you are wherever we are, and I know this is going to be a really good thing for our family, to finally be in our own home! I think I get a little nervous too thinking about meeting new people and wondering how you will end up coming up. I mean, when we first get there, nobody will know you even exist, so I wonder how the conversations will go when you will come up. Even though you've been gone for over 2 year, I still am not an expert on how to talk about you to others. And, most of the time when I end up telling people about you, it shocks them and they feel awkward and don't know what to say. Sometimes I know how to make the moment easier for them and me, but other times I don't, and it's just uncomfortable. I want people to know that you exist and are a part of our family, but I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That's not totally what I mean, but I'm not sure how to put it into words, exactly. I like it when people talk to me about it and express their feelings and sympathise with me, and basically understand me and what it's like, or at least the best way they can. I don't want people thinking there is something totally different with me that allows me to be able to deal with this, so they won't even try to go there, or I sometimes worry that people think I use it to get attention. Most everybody I have contact with right now knows about Caydin, so I don't have to worry about it coming up in an uncomfortable way very often. Moving to a new place, nobody knows, so I worry and wonder what and how people will find out. I worry of how others are going to take it. I wish I was strong enough to not care, or smart enough to always know how to handle those situations tactfully, but I'm not. Sometimes the conversation is easy and smooth and actually makes me feel better, but other times it's awkward, weird, and uncomfortable. I think one of my problems is knowing when to mention it. I mean, when I first meet somebody, I don't want to be like, "Hi, my name is Diana and my son died" but at the same time, when you first meet someone, typical questions are, are you married, do you have a family, how many kids do you have, and how old are they?. Up until the last question, everything is normal, but then when the last question gets asked, I usually answer something like, "Well, my oldest would be almost 5, and then we have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a 4 month old." So, then the person is either too shocked to even ask about the would be almost 5 year old, but in those cases, they usually feel really uncomfortable and the conversation ends very soon after, or they ask about it, but even then I usually get one of two reactions. One, I tell them that he passed away and they are uncomfortable and not sure what to say, so the conversation usually quickly ends, or two, they actually talk to me a little about it and ask questions or give condolences. I prefer the last scenario because it makes it feel like it is just a normal part of my life, and helps me to feel understood. But, I don't blame people for any of the other scenarios, because lets face it, when you are first meeting somebody new, talking about that right away is often a little more personal than people feel like going with a new aquaintence! Sometimes, depending on the person and how we are meeting, I'll try to avoid telling them about Caydin just to avoid the awkwardness, but moving to a new place where we will be living for at least a year, it'll probably be people I'll be in contact with more often, so I don't want it to be some secret that nobody knows about for the first 6 months! It is a part of who we are as a family, and I don't want to pretend like it isn't! Not talking about Caydin isn't helpful to me, it just makes me feel like he's forgotten, and that kills me inside! Anyway, after much rambling, I hope any of this makes sense. It's so hard sometimes to describe in words what I'm feeling on the inside. I think it's hard too because sometimes I don't even know exactly what it IS I am feeling! That being said, I wanted to also thank my cousin Laura for leaving a comment. I've wondered if anybody ever read these, and I'm so glad to hear what you said! I have lived far enough away from your family and was young enough when Trevin (I hope I spelled it right) started having his problems that honestly I don't remember him any other way. You would think I would have thought of it before, but I haven't, about how his problems have affected your family, and how in a way, you are going through the grieving process of loosing a brother. And, it would be so hard to have him here physically, but know it's not him really on the inside! I agree with you whole heartedly that I don't understand how things can ever be made totally right in the end to make up for all the hurt that is going on now, but I do believe it can and will happen, and that's a thought that I often cling to when it all just seems like it's too much! Thank you again for writing, and if anybody else does read these, please, PLEASE do not be afraid to write something, or ask a question! I feel like a school teacher when I say this, but there are no dumb questions, and nothing you could say or ask will make me feel anything I haven't already felt before, or make it worse. Even though it can be hard to recount memories or feelings, most of the time I really do feel a lot of relief from talking about it! I often feel like a balloon that is about to burst. I try to hold it in because I'm afraid it might hurt coming out, but in the end the relief I get from it was well worth any pressure or hurt I felt releasing it!!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-80844785040574218902007-11-30T14:41:00.000-08:002007-11-30T15:20:51.840-08:00SicknessIsaac has been sick for over a week now, and it's been hard! First, we took him into the doctors last Friday and found out that he had an ear infection. So, we started antibiotic. But, he seemed to get worse, so we took him back in on Monday, and found out he has RSV as well! We still have a nebulizer from the last time he had it last season, so the doctor just sent us home with some sample medicine since we won't have insurance until tomorrow! Last time when he had RSV, he had a really bad day, but as soon as we started the treatments, he quickly improved and got better. This time has not been like that at all! I actually took him back in on Tuesday because he had a worse night! They gave him a treatment there, and this time gave him steriods, and we came back home. He just didn't seem like he was getting over it very well. Wednesday was a little better, but still not much, and yesterday he woke up and seemed just as bad, so I was actually planning on taking him back in, but he took a nap, and about 20 minutes before I was going to take him in, he woke up and actually showed a lot of improvement! So, I didn't take him in! He's still had a bad cough that makes him dry-heave, and he's still been cranky, but finally he's at least playing and eating a little bit of some things! It was so hard, though, because for the 3 days that he was really sick I was debating all the time whether or not to take him into the ER or not. I hated having to feel so responsible for his well-being just because I was afraid of messing up and having some huge consequence happen to him because of it! But, at the same time, I didn't want to just rush him to the ER because I know what they would have had to do to him, and I know how much it would have traumatized him, and me, and I didn't want to do it unless he really needed it! So, I was so paranoid about if he was okay the whole time, but I was also super paranoid about going in! It was probably more exhausting mentally than physically! I'm so grateful he's finally feeling better! But, now EmmaLee woke up congested and coughing a little today, and I am sooooo hoping she doesn't come down with it because as hard of a time as Isaac had with it, EmmaLee would probably take it much harder because she's still so little. It scares me, even though I try not to let it, to think of any of my children in the hospital, especially with lung related issues! Even though you choked and were probably brain dead, technically you passed away from being incredibly sick from after effects of choking. You had a TON of fluid in your lungs, and the whole time we were in the hospital with you before you passed away, it was your lungs that were being treated and causing so many problems! We finally made the decision to let you go because it was your lungs that were having problems. Your oxygen levels started to drop and inspite the best efforts of the doctors, they were having a hard time keeping your lungs from basically drowning in fluid. They were down to one last possibility, but it involved taking out the respirator, which would have been extremely messy and physically traumatizing to your poor little body, and there was a much greater chance you wouldn't survive the procedure than it actually working. I remember standing over you and listening to the specialists talking about it and trying to decide if they should attempt it, and as I thought about it, I just knew I couldn't let them do that to you; you'd been through enough! That was the moment I knew I was going to have to let you go. I emotionally told them no, they couldn't do that to you. We already knew you were brain dead and had pretty much a 0% chance of ever living a normal life. Even if you had survived, you would have been a vegetable the rest of your life and pretty much on some kind of life support for the rest of that life, however long it would have been. So, it was at that time we made the decision to stop one of your medications. You're heart was the only organ in your body that was functioning even somewhat under it's own power, and even then it was only happening because of a medication. We know that because the night before you passed away, they had to replace the medication packet, which literally stopped the flow of that medicine into your body for about 5 seconds, and when that happened, you crashed, and they had to code blue you and start CPR. We were actually talking to the doctor about something in the room when it happened, and I remember him looking at us while they were trying to stabalize you again and asking us if we wanted them to continue trying or just let him go. I remember just crying and not knowing what to do, and Rob told him that he did want them to keep trying. It only took a few minutes, but they did stabalize you again, but it was so hard to sit there and watch it that your dad and I decided that if it happened again, we would just let you go. So, when they were talking about the respirator treatment, all I could picture in my head was another incident like that and loosing you in such a dramatic situation, and I couldn't do it. I wanted you to be able to pass away peacefully, not in a caotic, high tense situation, surrounded by strangers doing their best to keep you here when it wasn't meant to be. So, we decided it was time to let fate happen. The next decision we had to make was how to let everything happen. If we did nothing, all your vitals were just slowing down and starting to fail, like your oxygen intake. It was like watching you die slowely, and we had no idea how long it would take. It could have taken only a couple of hours, or it could have taken a couple of days! It seemed more cruel to me to let you go so slowely like that, so we asked what would happen if we took you off your heart medication. They said it would be peaceful, and would probably happen within a couple of minutes. I also felt like if you were meant to stay, since it was the one thing that you were somewhat doing on your own, your heart would keep beating even without the medication. So, we decided to stop the medication. But, before we did that, we let everyone who was at the hospital come in and say good-bye. Up to this point, the closest I had been able to be to you was laying by your side because you had so many things hooked up to your poor broken body that were so important that we couldn't risk anything pulling them off. Well, when we made this decision, they actually let us hold you. So, your dad and I took turns holding you for the next little while; I don't remember for sure how long it was. Time kind of didn't exsist for me at this time. Finally, Rob and I got a few minutes with you byourselves, and then we actually invited all the family back in again for your last few minutes with us on this earth. I remember holding you and once they stopped the medicine, watching your #'s and watching them drop lower and lower, until they finally stopped. I knew you had gone because a little bit of fluid came up into the tubing in your mouth, like it was a last sigh. But, I still had to ask the nurse, and when she confirmed it, I remember just burying my head into your still little body and just sobbing. So, when your siblings get sick and we have to worry and check their oxygen levels, it really brings back memories of loosing you, and it's really hard and stressful! It has almost the same amount of emotion as when someone chokes. It's like you died from two things, and I don't handle those two problems well now. So, I really hope EmmaLee doesn't get sick because I think I'm all emotioned out from trying to deal with Isaac!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-7256608632709036662007-11-07T21:22:00.000-08:002008-12-10T15:19:53.395-08:00Miss You<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvtpu-qdmw_2OgEvb4Ri1XFfQXGOCecqkYQQI5qxpzOf3RTARBpzNbUJZ_-LPJ_FNmlIgPA5oTpDk488Cl5uNN3YXXpmNtpF0g9muK0NKkL4x5XYuwTk-glZWoUAdyYavmbt7pg95qL1lW/s1600-h/CaydinWinking2+6+19+05.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvtpu-qdmw_2OgEvb4Ri1XFfQXGOCecqkYQQI5qxpzOf3RTARBpzNbUJZ_-LPJ_FNmlIgPA5oTpDk488Cl5uNN3YXXpmNtpF0g9muK0NKkL4x5XYuwTk-glZWoUAdyYavmbt7pg95qL1lW/s400/CaydinWinking2+6+19+05.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5130335911740581138" /></a><br />I don't think I can say much. I just miss you so much again lately! I've struggled a lot lately with thinking of how things could be if you were still here, and it just hurts so much! I've been feeling more anger lately as well, which I haven't had a lot of this whole time you've been gone. When I start to think of how things could be but then remember and know that they can't be that way right now, I start to feel some anger that I don't get to have you right now. I know things will be okay, and I know I'll get to see you again, and everything will be made right and even be better than they could have been right now, but it's still so hard right now to not get to see you, or have you here. Someone once sent me an e-mail that was a "be thankful for what you have" type of an e-mail, and one thing it mentioned was to be grateful you can tuck your children into their beds instead of having to visit their graves, or something like that. I've never forgotten that because it made me feel so many emotions. I'm not even sure I could describe all of my feelings, but a couple of stronger ones I had from reading that statement was feeling grateful that people acknowledged how hard it is to loose a child, and how much it really affects their whole life. I don't get to read you bedtime stories. I get to visit your grave. I don't get to see you right now. I get to try to remember my quickly fading memories of you, or watch home video or look at pictures that will never increase to include more, at least not for a long time. I have some bitter feelings from that e-mail, but only because I hate that I had to loose you and that it's true for me! I don't get to be grateful that I don't have to visit my child's grave instead of tucking him into bed! I hate being angry about loosing you because I would never wish to take away the glory that is now yours and make you come back or wish you back to this sin filled, trial ridden world!! I just miss you so much sometimes that I get tired of trying to be brave and strong. But, what's hard is that even when I'm tired, it doesn't change anything. As hard as it is sometimes to be strong and have faith, it's honestly harder to not be that way because then I loose my hope as well, and that's the darkest place to be. But, even with faith, I still miss your company, and I can't wait for the day when we get to be together again!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-21253790250245617412007-11-01T22:49:00.000-07:002008-12-10T15:19:53.491-08:00Halloween<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEika4I_hD_sm5Xno2hKgfh3Ej6QChu6HulVS5DuBWjjpXuDzORV0Fyo4DpJGfOV71S5d5np-RochPNLS4JXc3S_m12lt7EJjx15rmh8HMfof1dpGR5xK-oNvgKG-s_eFAhChykFGIpxoIzi/s1600-h/Halloween16ward3.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEika4I_hD_sm5Xno2hKgfh3Ej6QChu6HulVS5DuBWjjpXuDzORV0Fyo4DpJGfOV71S5d5np-RochPNLS4JXc3S_m12lt7EJjx15rmh8HMfof1dpGR5xK-oNvgKG-s_eFAhChykFGIpxoIzi/s400/Halloween16ward3.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5128116311560738194" /></a><br />This is a picture of you on your last Halloween here. We dressed you up as Matt Payne from the BYU football team! He was the kicker, but he was tough and we liked to watch him play! You were such a fan of sports, and this home made costume looked so cute on you! It is still one of my favorite costumes for all my kids because we spent the time to make it for you. You had a lot of fun trick-or-treating with Thomas and Laurie, and at the carnival. I hate to go here, but I wonder what you would have been the last two Halloweens if you were still here? What would you be into? So many of the kids at Thomas and Laurie's school who are in kindergarten were Spiderman! It was weird to see them in the Halloween parade because they looked so small and young! You wouldn't have been in kindergarten until next year, but some of those little kids would have been in your primary class age group, and were less than a year older than you would have been! The more time that passes the weirder it is to me to think of how I would be the mom of a 3 year old boy, and then a 4 year old boy, and this January, you would have turned 5! I try not to let myself go here much because it is so hard for me when I get stuck in the "what could have been" thoughts. I find myself going there more and more because my memories are fading, yet I still think of you everyday. So, instead of thinking of specific memories, I find myself thinking of now, and what might have been. I still have to remind myself and push myself to think of how you REALLY are right now, an amazing spirit on the other side doing amazing things I'm sure! And, I'm sure you are around watching over us and your siblings. I wonder if EmmaLee especially gets to see you often. I sometimes think about days ahead when your siblings will ask about you and I'll get to tell them what a special brother they have! I really miss you!!! I think I need to try to go to the temple sometime soon because I always feel more comforted after going there, partly because I always feel closer to you when I go there! I always hope that I'll have a dream about you, or some kind of special experience where I will get to feel you close, or even get to see you! I know it's possible, I just don't know if it's something I'll get to experience in this life. And, even if I do, who knows when it might happen! I'll probably never stop hoping for the chance until I do get to see you again, whether here or meeting on the other side! I love you my son!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-89205817498603189162007-10-02T16:49:00.000-07:002007-10-02T16:54:37.917-07:00Always thinking of youI haven't been able to post on here for a long time! Having another baby has made it very difficult to get onto the internet, and it's hard to post on here because it's usually something emotional for me, and I don't want to rush it or try to post when I'm stressed out about kids! But, I don't get a lot of free moments to write when it's not rushed! Your anniversary day has come and gone. I can't believe it's already been over 2 years since we last got to see and hold you! How I miss you! The memory of your accident hit all too close the other week when a friends little girl choked, and for the few seconds it took for her to get the mint up, it felt like I was reliving the horrible moments when you didn't get the bacon back up. Nobody seems to realize how quickly it can really happen, and how close we all can be to death! I still try to remind myself in those situations that what I experienced and went through is not what you went through. I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you again! I love you!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-7659617735567447522007-07-28T22:19:00.000-07:002007-07-28T22:28:19.610-07:00Just ThinkingI don't really have a lot to say tonight, but I was just thinking about you. Your little brother is starting to get older and bigger, and reminding me more of you. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have you hear still, how you and Eden would get along and how you would be with your little brother. In less than 3 weeks you will be the oldest brother of 3 siblings, and you would have only been 4 1/2! Your dad and I were talking the other day about how you would have started kindergarten not this August, but next August! It's weird to think that we'd have had a kid in real school! But, someday we will still get that opportunity to raise you, and it will be wonderful! In the meantime, I know you look out for us and your siblings, and it awes me to think about how strong and glorious you must be! We are getting closer to your 2 year mark. I hope I can focus on all the positives and not get down. I mean, Eden's birthday is coming up, and then we're going to have a new baby, and hopefully dad will be getting a new job which will allow us to move into our own place finally, and I know you want us to be happy!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9182043690797993338.post-2798084747418371632007-07-10T15:36:00.000-07:002008-12-10T15:19:53.657-08:00July<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqTzerxgTbmOXDqVvnTLxMgR9TnSA5tl8UveVTt6sJnOQi4YaDLIqtC9SDzsGsEYpSO-ZFHZogq7o5462Jp1vkH4yo6zDfMUFn0uYrDRoL_zM9mbLMHbgtxWp_d7QrXYzWsif4GWKsC6-l/s1600-h/BearLakeresize.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqTzerxgTbmOXDqVvnTLxMgR9TnSA5tl8UveVTt6sJnOQi4YaDLIqtC9SDzsGsEYpSO-ZFHZogq7o5462Jp1vkH4yo6zDfMUFn0uYrDRoL_zM9mbLMHbgtxWp_d7QrXYzWsif4GWKsC6-l/s320/BearLakeresize.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5085704543889760594" /></a><br />July and just summer in general can be a really hard time for me. You passed away right at the end of the summer, so my last and freshest memories of you are from doing all our summer activities. So, when we start doing summer things, I remember doing similar things with you, and it's the last memories I have. We still haven't ever been able to go camping again, and I'm not sure when we will. I mean, we've gone and stayed at more outdoor places, but only in a lodge, or motel or something like that. I think I worry a lot more about camping now with your siblings because that was the situation we were in when you had your accident. I think we will go camping again, but I think it will be a bitter/sweet experience. Also, it is just hard to camp with young children, and especially when I'm pregnant! But, I grew up camping and I love the outdoors, and I know you did too, so I'm sure that will still end up being a part of our family life. I don't want your siblings to not get to enjoy camping and being outdoors just because breaking the ice and trying to go again for the first time might be hard for me! I know it's possible, though, and I know part of that being able to go again is in my having faith that you went because it was your time to go, and we just happened to be camping when it happened. If I have enough faith to trust in Heavenly Father that he will protect my family no matter where we are, it won't be so scary. I mean, you didn't have to be camping to choke on something. It could have and had a better chance of happening at home! Anyway, to be honest, whenever I think of the month of July, my first thoughts are actually seeing the computer file of our pictures titled July 2005, and it means something to me because I know that's where almost all of your last pictures are! The picture I posted today came from that file! It was when we went up to Bear Lake with Bonnies family and stayed in Allan's mom's condo. We had a lot of fun on that trip. We went through the cave, and you were such a little trooper for that and wanted to walk for most of it! It didn't scare you, even when they turned the lights out for just a few seconds at the back. I remember holding on to the rail and walking back towards the light and thinking to myself how much it was similar to the iron rod and walking back towards the light of Christ. Little did we know that only a month later, and in the same town, you would go back to the light of Christ and to your Heavenly Father. How wonderful that must have been for you! I can't wait until we get to join you there and we can be reunited! I know you must be doing important and wonderful things. I wish I knew what you were doing and who you were helping! I know it must be marvelous! Thank you for being my son! I love you!Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05356407172198524385noreply@blogger.com0