"Oh how I miss you, wish I could kiss you, hug you hold you, it would be best to!" That song is going through my head like crazy today, and even though it is an upbeat song, I just feel like crying the whole thing! I'm so glad you were born into my life 5 years ago! As hard as it is to miss you, I would never wish it hadn't of happened because I love you so much! I have to admit that I'm weak today, though and wish you hadn't of died. I got a ward directory for the new ward yesterday and I've been pouring over it, seeing who everybody is, seeing who has kids close to my kids ages, and everytime I saw one that would have been your age, I can't help but think, oh, that's about what size you would be, or what age personality you would be at. Ever since we've moved I've been thinking about you a lot more, and as a result, today is ending up being a lot harder than I had thought it would be. I want to be happy and celebrate, but all I feel like doing is crying! The RS president and one of her counselors came over yesterday and I ended up telling them about you and what happened. I was relieved to tell someone here, but at the same time, it brought back the memories of loosing you again so now they are fresh, which makes today even harder! I think I should have made some kind of plans for today to celebrate your birth because now instead I almost feel like I'm wondering around in a kind of daze, not sure if I should be happy or sad, or what I should do! Do I live like it's a normal day, just like any other, or do I focus on you, but since I have nothing planned, spend it thinking of you and how much I miss you and wish I was planning a birthday party for my little boy! I know you want me to be happy, and I know you are happy where you are, so I'll try to be happier for you, for your presant! I love you!
6 comments:
I have got to stop reading this blog while I'm at work - it's so awkward when I'm crying in the lab (and supposedly doing an internet literatures search on RSV).
I have a strict birthday tradition that you have to say something you like about the birthday boy/girl. So, one thing I remember and loved about Caydin was that he had a really cute laugh.
I'm glad you were able to talk to the RS president - I had a friend that I grew up with who died of cancer when we were 16, and I remember a few years later talking to his mom. She said one of the hardest things was pretending that she had never had that son when she was talking to people who didn't know about him. I read your other post about not knowing what to do when people asked you how many kids you have. I don't think there's anything wrong saying "We have four kids, but one of them passed away two years ago." People might not know exactly what to say, but I'm sure they would be glad to know about Caydin. Maybe you could talk about him (briefly or not) in a talk you give (you know, the "Hi, we're new to the ward and the Bishop asked us to speak, so first we'll introduce ourselves..." talk, or in a testimony or something. Just ideas, feel free to ignore. :-) Let us know how it goes - I know I'm not the only one who reads Caydin's blog.
He did have a cute laugh, huh?! Those are good ideas about how to bring up or talk about Caydin. I'm starting to realize that people usually take my lead on how to talk about him. I've also realized that I need to become more confident with how I want to deal with it. I mean, I worry too much about what other people will say or do, but mostly because I'm not confident yet in how I want to approach it, so I am looking for their reaction to know if I like the way it's all working out. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but an example is that I don't know if I like getting emotional in front of strangers. I worry that it makes it really awkward. But, I also worry about the opposite of not showing enough emotion in front of them as well so that they think that it's not hard for me, or that I must be stronger than I am or else it would be harder for me. So, I just need to decide and realize that however I feel that day and however it comes across is okay, and realize what you said that they might not know what to say themselves, but that they would rather me tell them about it than find out weeks or months later. Hope that makes sense, and thanks for what you said!
Yeah, that totally makes sense. I think you're right about people taking your lead about how to talk about him. And I think it's absolutely okay (and perfectly natural) to not know how you want to approach it, and okay to experiment and see what you're comfortable with. You don't owe it to anybody to tell them within a certain time period, and nobody will blame you for guarding what is painful and deeply personal information. I was just trying to say that you should do what you feel good about, because like you said, people will take your lead and will not begrudge you for making them feel uncomfortable - it's okay to feel sad with somebody. In fact, I personally believe it's the most important baptismal covenant that we make (to bear one another's burdens, mourn with those who mourn). But I think you get to set the terms in many respects and there's nothing wrong with not knowing how exactly you want to do that.
And yes, Caydin did have a very cute laugh and a smile that would melt stone.
I'm so glad you write Laura! It helps so much to talk through things with somebody. This is true about many things, but when Caydin died, the situation didn't come with a lesson manual explaining how to deal with things, so often I wonder if what I'm feeling or thinking is okay, or if I'm over emotional and not handling things right, or things like that. I have come to believe that there really isn't a right or wrong way to deal with things, but I have learned that sometimes I like some ways better than others; they work better for me. But, a lot of times I struggle with the things I haven't figured out yet, and it's so helpful to hear other ideas and opinions because often they are things I never thought of on my own, and a lot of times they are ideas that I like a lot! Loosing Caydin has created so many feelings inside me that I often don't understand myself. Sometimes I get annoyed with people, and I don't even know why! Often the only way I figure it out is by talking to others about it. Sadly enough, the people I tend to get most offended by is probably really close family members because I think I expect them to "know better", even though logically I know they are in the same boat as me! I hate being mad at them, but until I figure out what exactly is bothering me, I can't get rid of feeling annoyed at them! So, anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences and opinions with me!
I have to agree with my sister. Every time my husband looks over and I'm bawling at my computer he says, "You're reading your cousin's blog aren't you?...Tell her I say hello". So...Zack says hello. ;) I can't imagine how I would deal with this Diana so the way you question yourself is so natural. All I have ever seen from you is grace, though, and if the recipient is awkward...then it's only because they don't know how to respond. Sorry this comment is cut short...my baby just started screaming b/c he konked his head. I'll talk with you later. Keep writing.
Happy late Birthday Caydin.
What a GREAT thing you are doing here Diana. It is good for you to have a place to share your thoughts and feelings(I'm with you about the typing thing-it's much faster to type then write) and what a great tribute to your beautiful son.
I think Eden, Isaac and EmmaLee will love reading it one day. I have been thru every sort of emotion reading ALL of your entries from the beginning. I feel strength from you Diana and I always have. Thanks for your great example. Though you may not feel that great like some of the entries you made, you are just naturally great and strong. I remember seeing you arrive at your moms house a little while after Caydin passed away. I couldn't imagine your grief and I don't like to imagine it. I gave you a hug and I felt such sorrow for your loss. For weeks after and even still I think about you and Rob and I remember your sweet, loving, strong spirits that helped everyone around you be able to talk and to mourn with you. I remember you helped put others at ease, I think if that makes any sense????
Sorry, I'm such a rambler. What I'm trying to say is, Just be who you are. If you get a little emotional talking about it, just smile a little, be your natural, loving self and don't worry about it, the person you're talking to will understand and hopefully it will give a chance for them to know you more and become friends with you. If you don't want to talk about it-don't! If they ask, and you don't want to talk about it, maybe suggest another time that you could talk about it with them.
I think you've always been as long as I've known you, so considerate of others and what THEY think and feel. I'm certainly not going to tell you to change that awesome quality, but in the case of Caydin, you do and say what YOU feel comfortable and natural doing and saying and don't feel bad about it either way. If it needs to be awkward for a minute or two, it's okay. Let others worry about the way YOU are feeling.
I hope that helps a little. I love you and I'm glad I know you!
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