Memorial Day

So, another Memorial Day has come and gone, thank goodness!! I realized this year that Memorial Day, your birthday, and the date of your passing are probably three of the hardest days for me! I really want to change that, though! I've decided that on your birthdays, I really want them to be happy. I want to have them be a day of celebration that you were born to us and are a part of our family! I don't want to ever think of it as "you would have been ** years old" type of a day. I mean, I will always know which birthday it would have been for you, but it's too hard for me to think of it what could have been. Instead, I just want to focus on that day about you as a person, spirit, and permanent part of our family, and remember you and celebrate what is true and what really is. I mean, you fulfilled your mission here on earth, and that all started with the pre-existance, your birth here, and then your death here, which led to eternal glory for you where you are now! How wonderful and lucky I am as your mother here on earth to get to be a part of that journey with you! That's what I want to celebrate and think of on your birthdays. Hopefully that will help that day not be so hard. As for the day you passed away, about the only positive with that one is to try to focus on your side of the experience, that you passed your test and earned eternal salvation, but it's probably always going to be a hard day. It seems no matter how I try, when I think of that day, or when it starts to come up, I remember a lot more of my experience of the whole thing, and they aren't fun thoughts! Hopefully I'll get better at controlling my thoughts as time goes by. As for Memorial Day, I once again found myself feeling down and sad, almost like I thought I was "suppose" to because that's what that day is for! But, I realized this year that it doesn't need to be like that. I enjoy visiting the graves of other ancestors who have gone, but most of them I never knew, or was so young that I really didn't know them anyway. I think it's a great day to enjoy focusing on family history and making the effort to visit and think of those that might have gone before, but as for you, it should be a day just like any other! I mean, we visit your grave at least once a week, most of the time more than that, so it's nothing new or different for us to go put something on your grave, and we think about you daily, so it's not like we need a reminder to do so! I have to admit, though, that while I like visiting other graves with family, I wasn't able to do so with your grave. I think it's still so close and personal that for your dad and I, we just couldn't bring ourselves to go there with everybody else because we didn't know how everybody else was going to act, or what they were going to say, and we worried about getting too emotional about it, or getting offended over something we shouldn't just because we would have been so sensitive. There are some people I wouldn't mind going to your grave with, but others are still difficult to do it with. I'm glad they went, but I wasn't ready to go with them. We took flowers up to your grave last Friday night, and we did go by on Sunday after everyone else was already gone, but once again, it was almost weird to have so many people around! We visit so often, and usually there might be only one other person there, if that! It seemed almost caotic with so many people around, and we are more used to spending our time there with more peace and privacy! I'm glad people come, but it was almost sad to me that people often only take that one day of the year to make an effort to go visit and think about some of these people. I know I'm guilty of it as well, and I understand more if it's an ancestor that's been gone for a long time, or that you never knew personally, but I think it can still be hard for me that so many close family members of our family don't even take the time to visit your grave, even on Memorial Day, let alone every other day of the year! I think there are some people who are pretty close who haven't even been back since your funeral! But, I know I have to be careful because you aren't at your grave, you are in Heaven, and it is more important to just remember you and try to feel close to you anytime and anywhere than to think it can only happen if you visit a grave. I think about the pioneers who had to bury loved ones along a trail, or bury them at sea, and they never got to revisit a grave! An ancestor on your Grandma Dickey's side was traveling to the US on a boat with her two small children. One child got sick and died on the boat, and she had to bury him at sea. Then, just days before they reached land, her other child also passed away, but she couldn't bring herself to bury him at sea as well, so she hid him until they reached land and then she buried him. I cried when I read this story, and my heart just broke for this ancestor who I haven't met, but I had to remind myself that she has been reunited with both of her children and carries that pain no longer! How wonderful! She has had her happy reunion with her beloved children! I can't wait for that day for us! I wonder if you have met them, and I'm sure you have! How cool! Anyway, I hope Memorial Day doesn't continue to be a day that I struggle with feeling happy!

Sore Spot

I have to get this out because it's something that comes up occasionally that hurts that I don't quite know how to deal. Every once in a while I get emails from friends that have some "important" message about how to keep kids safe from some harm that nobody knew about before. Usually there's some tragic story of a family that had some horrible thing happen to one of their kids, and now they are trying to get the message out to others so the same thing doesn't happen to their kids. Honestly, I understand why they want to tell people, and on one hand I can see where letting people know about things really is important. But, on the other hand, I am a person that HAS been through a horrible incident that I never dreamed could happen, and sometimes I disagree with the way things are talked about or dealt with. I think part of the problem is that when I read about other people's experiences, it's too close to home and brings up emotions stronger than I am sometimes able to handle. I mean, I sympathise with the people completely, but there's nothing I can do from reading an email to help them or comfort them, so all it does in the end is make me sad. And, what's hard about just reading the sad story is that you don't see the people now and see that even though things are sooooo hard, life does go on and things happen for a reason! All you are left with is sadness for the family with no closure in it for you for them, and a new fear of some horrible thing that you now have to try to prevent from happening to your children and loved ones! One big thing I had to learn very quickly after loosing Caydin was to not fear life. I mean, Caydin died eating something that he'd eaten many times before, and that I never even thought was a choking hazard. He was eating! How many times in a day do we all eat food, most of it something that needs to be chewed, and it killed my son! All the time after he died, and still at least once a day, I think about how we are eating or have to eat, and how just by doing that simple and necessary act, we could all literally be a minute away from death!!! How intimidating is that!!! And, what do you do to prevent it? Make sure you and your family only ever eat puree for the rest of our lives?! Not very realistic, or appatizing! Unless I wanted to go insane with fear and panic, I had to figure out some way to not let it scare me. I had to turn to the Lord and ask for help and strength, and what it came down to for me was having enough faith to truely believe that those who are doing their best to live the best life they can will not be taken from this earth until it is their time. And then, if and when it is their time, it will happen, one way or the other. Children are innocent, so any child that dies, dies pure and only when it is their time. Heavenly Father can prevent anything for anybody, but sometimes it isn't His will, and when that happens, we just have to trust Him that he loves all of us unconditionally and that in the end, things will be all right. We might not know how He can fix them, but He can and will, and we just have to trust in His love for us, and our loved ones. People are imperfect, and this world is imperfect, so imperfect things will happen, but God knows all and will get us through anything if we turn to Him and trust in Him with all our hearts. Healing might not come completely till the next life, but we have that to look forward to at least! And, in the meantime, while we know we need to do our best and gain as much knowledge as possible, there does come a time when I think we need to just let it go and trust that Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost will let us know when we need to take extra precautions or go do something! I think another reason it can be hard for me to get advice emails is because I felt like I had the knowledge of how to save my son, but it was his time to go, so even though I had that knowledge, it wasn't enough to save him. I know that's not a reason to not seek or learn knowledge, but I learned that even having knowledge won't prevent or change something if it's not meant to. There are so many things that could happen every minute of every day that to pick out just a few things to fear more than others is only creating fear and worry and making it harder to just enjoy the minutes and days we do have with our children and loved ones because we never know how long we have with any of them! Anyway, I know that the friends and people that send the emails are only doing it because they love their children and wouldn't want anything to happen to them, and they feel a certain responsibility to share information once they learn of it, so I don't feel mad or angry at them. It's just hard because while I understand why they do it, it doesn't make it any easier for me to know exactly how to deal with it and the emotions it creates in me. I think some of it might be that when I read them, I do feel panic and fear, and have to remind myself and reteach myself what I learned with Caydin. It's like I go back to ground zero with my emotions of that incident, and like I said, because the emails only tell of the peoples sadness and rarely of how they are dealing with it and moving on, they are usually very depressing and sad. It's like watching a movie with a sad ending, you leave feeling sad an depressed and hopeless when in most cases, that's not even how the family ends up feeling! Yes it's emotional and sad, and you never really "get over" it, but the story doesn't end with the tragedy. It goes on, and I truely believe will have a happy ending, but not completely until the next life when we all get to be reunited again! I do feel very much for people that have been through tragedies that don't have the gospel, or even any kind of religion! That would be a situation where I think it would be very difficult to be able to find any kind of comfort, and where in an effort to find some kind of closure or purpose in what happened, they would feel like letting people know what happened to them to help prevent it from happening to somebody else would become a major goal and focus in life. If you believe that life is just random and that there isn't a loving God who you can trust, helping others to prevent a certain situation would seem like a huge deal! And, I know there are things that should be taught to people and knowledge is important! I just think, at least for me, there is a certain line where it goes from good prevention knowledge to just simply spreading more worry and fear.

Where You Are

Last night was a little tough because I had to try to explain to Eden how you used to live here with us, but how you now live in Heaven! Eden is finally getting old enough I think to start understanding a little more about what happened to you. Your dad was missing you last night, and when I told Eden that he was just missing Caydin, Eden tried to give him a "pretend" Caydin. We've told Eden before that you can be with us all the time in our hearts, but I think it's confused her a little so she doesn't quite understand that when we miss you, it's because you were and are a real person. So, when Eden tried to give your dad a pretend Caydin, I tried to explain to her that while you can be with us in our hearts all the time, sometime we just miss being able to hold you and give you hugs and kisses. It was hard to talk about because saying it out loud that we don't get to hold you made the emotions even stronger. I'm sure it's actually better for us to talk about, even though it makes us sad, because when we hold it inside, it tends to build up until we finally blow with major emotions! It's kind of funny because as time passes, I think I somewhat have things figured out on how to deal with what's happened, but then things come up that catch me off guard that present new struggles and I have to figure out how to deal with them! I've known that eventually there would come a time when your siblings will get old enough that I will have to talk to them about you and what happened, and answer their questions about things. I just hope when those times come, I will be able to say the right things in the right way!

Sleeping

I've been thinking a lot lately on how you used to sleep, or how you used to not sleep! So far you have been my worse sleeper! You didn't like to go to bed, and you didn't like to stay asleep at night, and you didn't like naps! The only time you slept well was in the mornings, thus why we still are not early morning people! I remember walking you in the afternoons because you were so tired but just wouldn't go to sleep! I would walk back and forth and everytime I passed a mirror, I'd be looking at you to see if you were out yet! I also remember at night finally just laying down to try to sleep, and you'd come over and touch my face, or just put your face right next to mine and I'd wake up with you 2 inches away! Even though it was hard at the time, I look back on all this now with longing! Maybe because they were hard, they're also some of my clearest memories of you, which now I cherish! You used to get night terrors, and a lot of the times the only way we could get you to pull out of them was to take you into the other room and turn on cartoons. I learned really fast most of the programing on during the night! Most of the time we turned on one of your favorite tapes because most of the time, there is nothing on during the middle of the night! I would get so frustrated at having to get up with you, but thank heavens I learned to just accept it and would turn on your cartoon, close the door so you couldn't leave, and lay on the poof pillow and doze till you would finally go back to sleep, usually at least an hour or two later! I've wondered before if you had such a hard time sleeping because you knew your time was short and didn't want to waste any of it sleeping! While I'm hoping the trend continues with your siblings that they continue to be better sleepers, I am glad I have some of those memories of you, and would love to have that problem again with you as opposed to just missing you! I have to admit as well that I sometimes have to struggle with some of my thoughts because often when I look at your siblings sleeping, they look so peaceful that it reminds me of seeing your body in your casket, and I have to fight the urge of shaking them awake! I watch very closely to make sure that they are still breathing! I have to remind myself that you are in a better place, and that it was your time to go, and that if anything ever happened to one of your siblings, it would be the same for them, so I need to quit worrying about it and send those negative thoughts away! Your dad and I went to the temple last night, and I felt the spirit telling me that while we were doing the work on our side, you got to help the people we were doing the work for on the other side! That was really neat! It's a family effort on both sides! I need to go to the temple more often! I remember going to the temple a couple of months after you passed away and sitting in the Celestrial room feeling really peaceful and comforted, and the spirit helped me to realize that where you are has the same feeling all the time! It helps me so much when I think of you and where you are and what you are doing that whatever it is, you are in a place of peace and glory, and you get to be there all the time! How wonderful! I try to think of that whenever thoughts of the accident and the trama of the whole thing come back and try to haunt me. I try to remember that what you experienced at that time was very different from what I experienced, and I try to focus on that part of such a righteous spirit returning again to his Heavenly Father having passed the test so wonderfully! I hope someday I can see for myself what your experience was like!

We've started to go fishing more again this year. We didn't go very much last year. For me, it was still a little too close to you. I couldn't go without thinking about you so much it hurt. I have to admit that I've been more paranoid about outdoor activities since your accident happened while we were camping. I have to fight negative and fearful thoughts about Eden and Isaac. I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father is in charge and that fear comes from Satan. I also find comfort when I think and remember that you are also there to help watch over us. Eden has had a few blessings where she was told that you were watching out for her and would be with her as she grew, and I'm sure that's true for all your siblings! I can't let the fear and trama of what happened to you keep me from living life, or letting your siblings enjoy activities as well. I'll always be more careful than ever, but I have to let go at a point and just trust in Heavenly Father that He is in charge and as long as we live the best we can, he will always take care of us! I miss you like crazy, but I'm grateful to have you on the other side watching over us as well! I love you!

Eden

I think Eden has been close to you lately. The other morning when I got her up and she was still half sleeping, she asked where you were, and I told her you were with Heavenly Father, and she started crying and asking me over and over where you were and that she wanted you. The only way I could finally calm her down was to get the mold of your hand next to hers and show it to her. I showed her your lock of hair glued to it as well, and she finally calmed down. Not 30 seconds later, when I asked her about you again, it was like she had totally forgotten. She's also been "playing" with you lately. Last night you were running with her in the house, and this morning she wanted you to go bye-bye with us. Before these times, she really hasn't done this before, where she seemed to see you or be close to you. She knew who you were from pictures and talked about you, but she never talked about you in this way. I love that she is, but it's hard too because it's so unexpected. I hope she keeps talking about you and that you and she always stay close. I know you love her very much and are watching out for her. I felt so sad that you wouldn't be able to grow up together and that she wouldn't know how much you love her, but now I see that in some form, you will grow up together, and that makes me very happy! It's kind of hard just because it makes me think more about what could have been, and it makes me think a lot more about you which makes me miss you so very much! But, I know you will always be a part of our lives, and your siblings lives! I hope you are having fun teaching your new little sister all about our family! I love you!

For Caydin

I decided that I needed someplace where I could go and write whatever I wanted and needed to about Caydin. I try to write in my journal, but I don't do very well with it. I'm a much faster typer, so I have more time to write what I want on the computer than in my journal, so I decided to start a blog in memory of Caydin. I also like that I can post pictures to it so I can see him as well as write about him. So, this is for you Buddies! I love you!!