You have your papa back!

How papa has missed you! Besides your dad and I, I think he missed you the most! And now, you two are together again! I'm slightly jealous! I have often wondered who it would be that would get to see you again the soonest, and how appropriate that it's your papa. Loosing Helmut has brought back a lot of the memories of loosing you. It has made it so real and fresh again. It has also made it feel so much more real that I will get to see you again someday! I mean, I tell myself that all the time, but it's some far away "someday", but now for Helmut, it's a reality! And, I just saw him a week ago! And now he's with you! I wanted to tell him to give you a big hug from me. I hope somehow the Lord let him know that and he did it, even though I didn't get to tell him myself! Keep a close eye on us, especially the next few months when it's the hardest to adjust to our new life without papa, especially for your siblings. If you want to pop in a dream or something along that line to give a word of comfort, feel free! I would love to see you!

Time

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it moves fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes harder. When it comes to dealing with loosing you, it seems to do all these things at the same time! On one hand, I can't believe that at the end of this month it will have been 3 years since you passed away! The last three years seem like a blur they went by so fast! On the other hand, there are days that move so slow, and when I think of how many more years there most likely are still ahead before I get to see you again, time moves so slow! It can feel like it's going to be forever before I get to see you again! Once again, time has seemed to heal a lot of the hurt and pain of loosing you. Whole days can go by when I don't think about you in an emotional way. It's almost like saying I have blond hair; it's just a part of me. Then there are other days that I hate how much I have forgotten with the passing of time. I can't fully picture your face in my head anymore, just through pictures. I can't remember how your voice sounds, unless I'm watching home videos. I also can feel so weak in things I feel like I should be strong in. I can get mad at the kids sometimes so easily, and then I feel so bad because I wonder how I, who have lost a child and should know how precious each moment with them is, can allow my weak human imperfections to get so much the better of me! I look back at the times that I was impatient or mad at you and almost get overwhelmed with regret and wishing I hadn't been that way, yet then I turn around and get mad at the kids because they interrupt my pondering! How hypocritical is that! I feel like on one hand my faith is so much stronger and that the gospel is so much more real, but the next moment I realize how many of the simple and basic things I'm slacking off in! But, maybe it's just because it's August that I feel so weak. The hardest day of the year is coming up for me, and as much as I try to not think about it or dwell on your passing away, I think it's pretty much impossible for me. The two hardest things for me to deal with are one, missing you, and two, trying not to think of your accident the way I experienced it. Missing you will always be there, and it's a bitter-sweet thing. I miss you, which is so hard, but I have comfort in knowing where you are, and I have comfort in knowing we will be together again. Your accident is different. On one hand I can rejoice in the fact that your test was done and you went home. If that's the only way I could think about it, it wouldn't be so bad! It's my mortal mind that throws me off with memories of what I then felt and saw as a tragedy, and all the emotions that came with it. But, dwelling on it won't help, so I will stop here! I miss you a ton and love you!

Isaac's Birthday

I don't want to dwell on this for long because I don't want it to be a big deal. Isaac turned two yesterday, and I couldn't help but think how 2 birthday's were all we got to celebrate with you here in this life. I'm sure I thought about it when Eden turned two as well, and maybe even more when she turned three! When she turned three, I remember kind of thinking, yeah, we made it past two! I don't think I'll think that as much anymore, but with Isaac, it's more that I'm realizing that he's reaching the age you were when we last saw you, and he is reminding me so much more of you as he gets bigger! I'm kind of worried that this next year might be a little harder because I wonder if he'll go through or do things that will bring back more memories of you because it's the last things I remember with you. Eden wasn't so much like that because you and she are so different, and she's a girl. You and Isaac have so much in common, and just have those little boy attitudes more so he reminds me more of you. I almost want to have those flashbacks, though, just so I can feel closer to you, but at the same time, I don't ever want Isaac to feel like anything he does brings us pain, or that he can't be him without worrying about if it's like you and might make us sad. He is so special as him, and I don't want him to not think that ever! I know you are so strong and just want us to be happy! It was hard when Melanie was in her accident the other week. When we first found out and were on our way to the hospital, even though I knew she was relatively okay, about 5 minutes before we got there, I just burst into tears! I'm sure I might have anyway, but especially after loosing you, emergencies and hospitals are NOT my favorite! I was so glad when I got to go in and see Melanie, and hug and kiss her, and she was awake and able to look and talk back to me! I know you had to have been helping to watch over her! It does make me feel a little more comforted when I think how someone so close to me can be helping to take care of others who are close to me as well! I know how little control I actually have in this life, and I'm so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that God can do anything, so even though we are imperfect, he still takes care of us!

Memorial Day

I have survived another Memorial Day! This year wasn't so bad in the sense that I didn't think a whole lot about it before, so there wasn't build up to go along with the day itself! I have to give a talk in Sacrament meeting this Sunday, and I have to introduce our family, which means everyone will know about you now! My topic is actually on optimism. I plan on bringing up what happened to you and how the gospel gives me hope and a reason to still be happy. All I have to do is miss you; I don't have to wonder where you are or if I will ever see you again! I have so many answers that give me hope for the future, even though missing you can still be so overwhelming and make me feel anything but happy! I hope it goes well, and I know I'm going to be nervous because even last week at church, I was sitting in the audience, and I already felt jittery and nervous for the talk, and it was still a week away!!! I hope you will be there with me!

Crazy?

So, I've debated whether or not to post this blog, but I guess whether people end up thinking I'm totally morbid or not, it's how I feel! We drove by Caydin's grave again today, and I have to admit that I had a thought go through my head that has often gone through my head, especially in the last year or so. As I was sitting in the car, looking over at Caydin's grave (it was snowing, and often we go and just sit in the car as close to his grave as possible for minutes at a time to just reflect and ponder) and missing him and thinking about him, I had this urge to jump out of the car and go start digging him up. Of course it isn't reasonable, and no, it's not like I want to see his body after being dead for over 2 1/2 years, but at the same time, sometimes my memories of him seem like such a dream that even to see his decaying body would in my mind make me somehow feel a little closer to him again and help me to remember that he really was mine and here at one time! I just miss him so much and want to see him in the flesh again so badly that as morbid as that all sounds, I can't help thinking about it! But, I know it really wouldn't give me the relief I so long for because it is just his body, not him. It really would be no different than holding one of his shirts. His body is no more him than his shirt. He is in heaven, and I'll just have to keep being patient until I do get to hug him and hold him again. So, now my deep, dark secret is out, and I hope nobody thinks I'm crazy!

I miss you. We were at Grandma and Papa's house this last week, and it seemed like no matter where I went, all I could think of was you. It was a bitter/sweet thing. On one hand, it was hard to be hit with a lot of emotion, especially since I wasn't anxious to have anybody there see me cry, so I was holding it all in, but on the other hand, after it hit me a few times, I went around looking for things that brought back memories because it helped me feel closer to you and remember you better! One of my biggest struggles right now is that I have a hard time actually remembering you. I can recall pictures that I have, and even home video, but I'm not remembering those actual incidents. At the house the other day, I was actually remembering you and some things you actually did and real experiences! It makes me miss you so much! Your dad was saying just last night that it would have been fun to see you and Isaac play and wrestle together! I know you would have loved having a brother, especially since you two have so much in common. Isaac loves balls, and so did you! I know you watch out for your siblings, and at least we get to have that knowledge to help ease the pain of not having you here where we can see you! Love you!

Sympathies

I found out today that a good friend of mine's sister passed away on Easter. She was only 28, and she leaves behind 3 children. She's had a rough life and wasn't living the best life style, but she had also been through a lot of hard times in her life and was probably doing the best she could. I never met her, but I was going to try to go to her viewing tonight or tomorrow, but both Isaac and EmmaLee have the stomach virus, and I just didn't feel good about leaving them. I'm planning on visiting both my friend and her mom, if not tomorrow, then sometime as soon as my kids are well. My heart aches for my friend and her mom, and for her sister's three children. I can't and don't want to imagine how hard it would be to explain to those kids that their mom isn't coming back. She might have made some bad choices, and not influenced her kids for the best all the time, but she loved them and they loved her! Talking to my friend brought back a lot of my memories of what it was like right after we lost Caydin and how emotional and hard it was. While the situations are slightly different, I know how much they are going to miss her, and while right now might be some of the hardest times, there are still many rough days ahead! My friend and her mom both received blessings that have already brought them comfort, and I'm sure they will continue to bring comfort as the time goes! But, I still pray for them and wish there was an easier way for the transition of when a loved one returns home!