Five Years

Five years ago right now we were sitting in a PICU room with you, trying to figure out what was going on and how our lives could have changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time! I'm doing better today than I thought I would, and tomorrow we have several things planned that will help keep me from allowing myself to think too much about what happened five years ago. I still haven't figured out the best way to deal with this day. It always brings back memories of my side of the experience, even though I try really hard to think of your side instead. It is a day of celebration for you; you passed your mortal test and "graduated" back to heaven; for you a place of peace and glory! I almost feel like it is a day to celebrate, but then the reality of what I went through and what happened, and how much I miss you hits me, and I think, maybe it's a day for quiet celebration. The bigger deal I make of the day, the harder it becomes, even if I try making it a positive day! I don't think I've totally recovered from the trauma of my side, and I'm not sure when I will, or even if I will until I get to see and hold and kiss you again!

So, on this the eve of the 5th anniversary of the last day on earth for you, I hope you know how much I love and miss you, and how grateful I am that you are my son!

Happy Birthday!

7 years ago tonight I was in labor and wondering if you were EVER going to come out of me! But, sure enough, shortly after midnight, you came out; not the way we thought you were going to, but out you came! It was well over an hour after you were born before I got to hold you because of my recovery and because you were running a slight fever, but when I finally did get to hold you, it made it all worth it! You were so soft, and I remember just rubbing your hair and just loving the feel of you next to my body! It is so weird to think you would be 7 in just a couple of hours! Since you were my oldest, it is always kind of hard to imagine what it would be like if you were here. I've never been the mom of a 7 year old, even though I've been a mom for 7 years. I don't know how time works in Heaven, but I know it's different than here, but I hope the moments that are tomorrow here will be one of celebration for you there. Even though it is hard for me to think about what you are not here to do and celebrate, your birthday will always be a very happy occation! It's the day our spirits got to be connected in more ways than one, and that will NEVER change! I love you, and am so grateful for your entry into my life 7 years ago!