Hard Times

This has turned out to be a hard month! Both your dad and I really got hit with a missing you horribly spell this month. We always miss you, but as time goes, we take comfort in knowing where you are, and we are getting used to not having you around. You are always in our thoughts, but this last month I've had times where I felt like we just lost you recently and so the pain of not getting to see you physically has been really strong. Besides how hard it is trying to deal with just missing you, when we get this way, both your dad and I get a lot more paranoid with your siblings! I have a lot more fears of loosing them as well come up and it gets really stressful to do almost anything! Ironically, I find myself almost being a worse mom to them because I am so uptight and worried about everything all the time that I loose my patience really quickly because I'm so stressed out! Then I instantly feel guilty because I think and remember how lucky I am just to have them here, but then that guilt adds to my stress, and lets just say after a day of this, I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown! It's hard too because your dad and I seem to hit these phases at the same time, so we aren't able to help each other as much as we want, and sometimes add even more stress to each other! I think one thing that came up that might have stirred up some of our feelings was that Hailey wanted to have her birthday party up at her Grandma's condo at Bear Lake. All the family was invited, but of course we didn't want to go. I think everyone understood, but just having to bring it up and in a sense justify our feelings made us think back to your accident, which is always hard. For me, it was like it really hit me again what we went through and what happened to you. Most days, now, I am okay with the thoughts of how things are right now, that you are in Heaven, a wonderful and glorious spirit, helping to watch out for us, and still a part of our family, just in a different way. When I go back to the accident, the horror of my side of the experience always comes up, no matter how hard I try to not let it, and I remember how different it was to have you here with us where I could see you, hold you, and love you in person! Then it gets really hard. So, I think the reminder of Bear Lake and why we didn't want to go up there was kind of like a slap in the face of how things were and could have been. Ironically, after the emotion we felt from the whole thing, nobody ended up going up there! Helmut felt the same as we did and decided he didn't want to go, and Scott and Shawnee's family ended up not going, so Hailey and her family ended up going to a lake for the day anyway! I'm not mad at anyone for what happened, it was just one of those things that will happen occasionally that are going to be hard to not feel emotional about. Bear Lake is a great place, and we had a lot of fun there, and I understand other people, even in our family, will probably go there for things, but I think it's one place I just don't ever want to go again! I know I could probably get over it, but with so many other places we could go, I just don't feel like taking that one on! It took me a few times fishing again before I could go and not start crying at some point because it was something we did so much with you that you loved so much! Now I feel closer to you when I go fishing. With Bear Lake, the hard part is that while we have good memories of you there, we also have the hardest memories from there, and that won't change. With things like just fishing, they were good memories and I just cried because they reminded me of you, and it made me miss you. With Bear Lake, the memories forever burned in my head from there are nightmare ones that I don't care to relive! I'm not dramatic enough to say that I could never survive going to Bear Lake again because I know it wouldn't be that horrible, but I know it would be very emotional and hard, and why create those feelings if I don't need to? I mean, if I never go to Bear Lake again for the rest of my life, what difference does it make? I don't feel like it would be theraputic for me, so why create all those emotions and feelings when I don't need to. There are lots of places to go for vacation, and a vacation would be the only reason I would ever need to go to Bear Lake! It doesn't sound like a vacation to me, so I don't think I'll ever go back! I have to admit that I'm grateful that it did happen so far away and at a place I don't have to go or see everyday. It was hard at first to even be home where we had so many memories of you and where we noticed your absence so greatly, but at the same time, they were good memeories that reminded us of you. The memories of the accident are not that way, and will never be, so I'm glad I don't have daily reminders of what happened. I was so glad when Helmut and Shirley sold their trailer and I didn't have to see it or walk by it everytime we went out front or to the car! I never did go in it again! Anyway, I don't want to keep going on this negative streak. Hopefully I can feel closer to you soon in a positive way! Bonnie is going through the temple tomorrow for her endowments, and I'm sure it is something you will be at! I always look forward to going to the temple knowing that I have an even better chance of feeling close to you, but especially at family things, like weddings, and things like this!

2 years ago

I found a picture from June of 2005, two years ago from around now, and about 2 months before your accident. Guess what, we were doing a lot of the same things we are doing now! We were visiting places, ponds, and just enjoying nature! You loved to be outside and exploring! You were usually always pretty good about staying right with us as well! It's weird to me to see this picture because you were a toddler and Eden was a baby, and now our pictures are very similar, Eden's a toddler, and Isaac is a baby! The two differences are that you aren't here as a young child, and I'm pregnant again and about to have another baby! It was hard for me last summer to want to go out to places like we did with you because it reminded me so much of you it was hard. Now I think enough time has passed that while going outdoors still reminds me of you, it is a sweet memory and makes me feel closer to you. I feel like you get to be with us often, and especially when we go outdoors, since it was something you enjoyed so much when you were here! I sure miss you buddies! I've been struggling again lately a bit with memories of your accident. I don't like thinking about it, but I think sometimes I subconciously go there because while they are so emotional, because it was such a traumatic experience, it is also stronger in my memory and sometimes it's the clearest memories I still have of you! So, on one hand they are horrible memories, they are also the clearest and sometimes where I can remember you the best and you seem the most real to me again! It's really bothered me that it's taken me so long to remember experiences with you. It's like after you passed away, my brain was so shocked I formed some sort of amnesia that kept me from remembering you and what it was like to be your mom! It's started to come back to me, but only gradually, which is probably how it is suppose to be because if it all came back, it would be so overwhelming for me I'd probably not be able to deal with it! Anyway, I'm not sure I can deal with all these emotions right now, so I'd better leave things alone right now, but I love you and can't wait for the day I get to hold you in my arms again! Thank you for being so wonderful!