Happy Birthday!

Well, it's been a couple of years since I wrote on here.  Grief is so unpredictable; it is constantly changing.  Sometimes it is helpful to write about things, and other times it isn't, and you never know how long a particular mood will last!  Life has also been busy with five small children still here to keep me busy and distracted.  You would have been 11 today which is so hard to believe!  What would life have been like if you were here?  It got a little easier for me when more time passed because it is honestly harder and harder for me to picture what things would have been like because you are my oldest, so nobody else have been where you would be yet.  I'm no as aware of who is your age in the area, so it helps me not think about it very much, which is good as it is these thoughts that can bring me down the hardest and fastest!  But, I can't help every once in a while to wonder what it would have been like.  What kinds of things would you be into?  You always loved sports, especially soccer, so would you have been into that, both with wanting to play outback, and on video games and watching it?  How would you have interacted with your siblings?  It's weird now to think of Eden not being the oldest.  How would all your siblings be different if they still had you around?  You were so sweet to Eden, and I think you would have been good to your siblings, even though I know there would have been fights as well!  I'm sure you would have wrestled with Isaac and Ammon!  Isaac has talked about how he wishes he had you here to play with.  I'm sure you would have still loved fishing, and you, Dad, and Isaac would be quite the fishing group, with Eden likely still going along as well!  I wonder how often you check up on us?  I know you must be busy with important things, and that you are in a place of peace.  I wish I could tell when you are with us more often, but maybe that would be harder in some ways, too.  Despite the hard road this grief is, I'm so grateful you were born to me and in my life here, even for such a short time.  I still remember when I got to hold you for the first time in the hospital.  You laid on my shoulder, and I can still almost feel your soft hair on my cheek, and smell that sweet new baby smell as I breathed you in!  I wouldn't give that up for anything!!!  I love you and miss you sweet buddies!