Crazy?

So, I've debated whether or not to post this blog, but I guess whether people end up thinking I'm totally morbid or not, it's how I feel! We drove by Caydin's grave again today, and I have to admit that I had a thought go through my head that has often gone through my head, especially in the last year or so. As I was sitting in the car, looking over at Caydin's grave (it was snowing, and often we go and just sit in the car as close to his grave as possible for minutes at a time to just reflect and ponder) and missing him and thinking about him, I had this urge to jump out of the car and go start digging him up. Of course it isn't reasonable, and no, it's not like I want to see his body after being dead for over 2 1/2 years, but at the same time, sometimes my memories of him seem like such a dream that even to see his decaying body would in my mind make me somehow feel a little closer to him again and help me to remember that he really was mine and here at one time! I just miss him so much and want to see him in the flesh again so badly that as morbid as that all sounds, I can't help thinking about it! But, I know it really wouldn't give me the relief I so long for because it is just his body, not him. It really would be no different than holding one of his shirts. His body is no more him than his shirt. He is in heaven, and I'll just have to keep being patient until I do get to hug him and hold him again. So, now my deep, dark secret is out, and I hope nobody thinks I'm crazy!