Moving and Thanks Laura!

It's getting closer to when we are going to be moving down to Springville and while it hasn't been a huge issue, it has occured to me how much further away from your grave we are going to be. Also, as excited as I am to be getting into our own place, we are also leaving the only home we ever had with you here on this earth (if you don't count the four week escapade in Syracuse when you were a baby). These things aren't you, but they are some of the few last physical ties we have with you, so it's kind of difficult to leave them behind. Of course we will still come visit your grave, but probably not as often, and as long as your dad's parents don't move, we will also be able to visit the house. On the entry way wall, there is still some of your artwork in pen! I stop and look at it every once in a while and think about how you drew all those marks! I was somewhat upset when you did it because I didn't know how to clean it off, and it's not my house, so I felt bad! But, you passed away, and I don't have the heart now to even try to get rid of it! Luckily, there is multi-colored paint behind it, so it's not super obvious! I think what makes it so hard to think about leaving it all behind is I have a hard enough time remembering my memories of you very well, so once we are in a totally new place where nothing I see was ever related to you, it'll be even harder! But, I keep reminding myself that you are wherever we are, and I know this is going to be a really good thing for our family, to finally be in our own home! I think I get a little nervous too thinking about meeting new people and wondering how you will end up coming up. I mean, when we first get there, nobody will know you even exist, so I wonder how the conversations will go when you will come up. Even though you've been gone for over 2 year, I still am not an expert on how to talk about you to others. And, most of the time when I end up telling people about you, it shocks them and they feel awkward and don't know what to say. Sometimes I know how to make the moment easier for them and me, but other times I don't, and it's just uncomfortable. I want people to know that you exist and are a part of our family, but I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That's not totally what I mean, but I'm not sure how to put it into words, exactly. I like it when people talk to me about it and express their feelings and sympathise with me, and basically understand me and what it's like, or at least the best way they can. I don't want people thinking there is something totally different with me that allows me to be able to deal with this, so they won't even try to go there, or I sometimes worry that people think I use it to get attention. Most everybody I have contact with right now knows about Caydin, so I don't have to worry about it coming up in an uncomfortable way very often. Moving to a new place, nobody knows, so I worry and wonder what and how people will find out. I worry of how others are going to take it. I wish I was strong enough to not care, or smart enough to always know how to handle those situations tactfully, but I'm not. Sometimes the conversation is easy and smooth and actually makes me feel better, but other times it's awkward, weird, and uncomfortable. I think one of my problems is knowing when to mention it. I mean, when I first meet somebody, I don't want to be like, "Hi, my name is Diana and my son died" but at the same time, when you first meet someone, typical questions are, are you married, do you have a family, how many kids do you have, and how old are they?. Up until the last question, everything is normal, but then when the last question gets asked, I usually answer something like, "Well, my oldest would be almost 5, and then we have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a 4 month old." So, then the person is either too shocked to even ask about the would be almost 5 year old, but in those cases, they usually feel really uncomfortable and the conversation ends very soon after, or they ask about it, but even then I usually get one of two reactions. One, I tell them that he passed away and they are uncomfortable and not sure what to say, so the conversation usually quickly ends, or two, they actually talk to me a little about it and ask questions or give condolences. I prefer the last scenario because it makes it feel like it is just a normal part of my life, and helps me to feel understood. But, I don't blame people for any of the other scenarios, because lets face it, when you are first meeting somebody new, talking about that right away is often a little more personal than people feel like going with a new aquaintence! Sometimes, depending on the person and how we are meeting, I'll try to avoid telling them about Caydin just to avoid the awkwardness, but moving to a new place where we will be living for at least a year, it'll probably be people I'll be in contact with more often, so I don't want it to be some secret that nobody knows about for the first 6 months! It is a part of who we are as a family, and I don't want to pretend like it isn't! Not talking about Caydin isn't helpful to me, it just makes me feel like he's forgotten, and that kills me inside! Anyway, after much rambling, I hope any of this makes sense. It's so hard sometimes to describe in words what I'm feeling on the inside. I think it's hard too because sometimes I don't even know exactly what it IS I am feeling! That being said, I wanted to also thank my cousin Laura for leaving a comment. I've wondered if anybody ever read these, and I'm so glad to hear what you said! I have lived far enough away from your family and was young enough when Trevin (I hope I spelled it right) started having his problems that honestly I don't remember him any other way. You would think I would have thought of it before, but I haven't, about how his problems have affected your family, and how in a way, you are going through the grieving process of loosing a brother. And, it would be so hard to have him here physically, but know it's not him really on the inside! I agree with you whole heartedly that I don't understand how things can ever be made totally right in the end to make up for all the hurt that is going on now, but I do believe it can and will happen, and that's a thought that I often cling to when it all just seems like it's too much! Thank you again for writing, and if anybody else does read these, please, PLEASE do not be afraid to write something, or ask a question! I feel like a school teacher when I say this, but there are no dumb questions, and nothing you could say or ask will make me feel anything I haven't already felt before, or make it worse. Even though it can be hard to recount memories or feelings, most of the time I really do feel a lot of relief from talking about it! I often feel like a balloon that is about to burst. I try to hold it in because I'm afraid it might hurt coming out, but in the end the relief I get from it was well worth any pressure or hurt I felt releasing it!!