Just Thinking

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, but I was just thinking about you. Your little brother is starting to get older and bigger, and reminding me more of you. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have you hear still, how you and Eden would get along and how you would be with your little brother. In less than 3 weeks you will be the oldest brother of 3 siblings, and you would have only been 4 1/2! Your dad and I were talking the other day about how you would have started kindergarten not this August, but next August! It's weird to think that we'd have had a kid in real school! But, someday we will still get that opportunity to raise you, and it will be wonderful! In the meantime, I know you look out for us and your siblings, and it awes me to think about how strong and glorious you must be! We are getting closer to your 2 year mark. I hope I can focus on all the positives and not get down. I mean, Eden's birthday is coming up, and then we're going to have a new baby, and hopefully dad will be getting a new job which will allow us to move into our own place finally, and I know you want us to be happy!

July

July and just summer in general can be a really hard time for me. You passed away right at the end of the summer, so my last and freshest memories of you are from doing all our summer activities. So, when we start doing summer things, I remember doing similar things with you, and it's the last memories I have. We still haven't ever been able to go camping again, and I'm not sure when we will. I mean, we've gone and stayed at more outdoor places, but only in a lodge, or motel or something like that. I think I worry a lot more about camping now with your siblings because that was the situation we were in when you had your accident. I think we will go camping again, but I think it will be a bitter/sweet experience. Also, it is just hard to camp with young children, and especially when I'm pregnant! But, I grew up camping and I love the outdoors, and I know you did too, so I'm sure that will still end up being a part of our family life. I don't want your siblings to not get to enjoy camping and being outdoors just because breaking the ice and trying to go again for the first time might be hard for me! I know it's possible, though, and I know part of that being able to go again is in my having faith that you went because it was your time to go, and we just happened to be camping when it happened. If I have enough faith to trust in Heavenly Father that he will protect my family no matter where we are, it won't be so scary. I mean, you didn't have to be camping to choke on something. It could have and had a better chance of happening at home! Anyway, to be honest, whenever I think of the month of July, my first thoughts are actually seeing the computer file of our pictures titled July 2005, and it means something to me because I know that's where almost all of your last pictures are! The picture I posted today came from that file! It was when we went up to Bear Lake with Bonnies family and stayed in Allan's mom's condo. We had a lot of fun on that trip. We went through the cave, and you were such a little trooper for that and wanted to walk for most of it! It didn't scare you, even when they turned the lights out for just a few seconds at the back. I remember holding on to the rail and walking back towards the light and thinking to myself how much it was similar to the iron rod and walking back towards the light of Christ. Little did we know that only a month later, and in the same town, you would go back to the light of Christ and to your Heavenly Father. How wonderful that must have been for you! I can't wait until we get to join you there and we can be reunited! I know you must be doing important and wonderful things. I wish I knew what you were doing and who you were helping! I know it must be marvelous! Thank you for being my son! I love you!