4 Long Years Later

This is a day late, but yesterday marked 4 years since you left us. I can't believe it has already been 4 years! It feels like a different life time since I held you, kissed you, watched you, knew you. And yet, I wonder, how long before I actually get to see you again? Four years has lasted a lifetime it seems like, yet I doubt it is even close to half way to when I get to see you again. There are still so many more years ahead. Part of me hates this thought and wishes I could see you right now, but the other part of me hopes I won't because I don't want to leave your dad and siblings yet either. I feel my heart is in two places. Isaac is getting so big now, and I can't help thinking sometimes what it would be like if you were still here to play together. You are both such boy boys. I'm sure you would have been wrestling, playing ball, driving RC cars, and all sorts of other fun boy things! But, it doesn't help thinking about what could have been because it isn't. I know you are doing amazing things and are happy. I hope I am able to be strong so when we meet again, I will feel worthy of being your mom! I love you buddy!

In My Thoughts

You are in my thoughts today. I don't really have any words to say, but I'm thinking of you. I'm getting more paranoid with the kids lately. I'm always worrying about accidents. Maybe it's because we are so unstable in our lives right now, but it is becoming a huge struggle for me. I picture them falling off the deck, or down the stairs, or some other thing. I try to remind myself that if they are meant to go, they will, no matter how careful I am, and I try not my worries affect them in a negative way. Some days are easier than others. Life is hard right now. I hope it gets easier soon.

Another Grandpa

Well, Caydin, you have another Grandpa up there with you now! At first, you were with lots of family, but only family that I didn't know very well. Now you are starting to get more family of familiar faces, at least to me! I so badly wanted to tell both Helmut and Grandpa to say hi for me and give you a great big hug and kiss from me, but I wasn't able to tell them that before they went. I secretly hope that they knew. I miss you so much, and it's brought all my thoughts and emotions about you right back up to the surface again loosing grandpa. I will miss him so much too. And, it has made the reality of seeing you again more real again. To survive each day, it's like I've had to accept the fact that my relationship with you is a more distant one right now. I have come to accept my "angel" in heaven and become more used to thinking of you in that way, and accept the fact that it could be a while before I get to see you again. "Someday" I will see you again, and "someday" I will get to hold you again, but for my heart to function even somewhat normally, I don't think so literally of when that "someday" might actually be. So, when grandpa went home, suddenly I remembered that there WILL be a someday, and I wish for it so much! I think the whole first day I found out Grandpa passed away was spent just trying to soak in the realization that his "someday" was finally here! He was only 12 years old when his 8 year old brother, Charles, was hit and killed by a car. He had to wait until he was 78 years old for his "someday", but now it is a reality! I just pray for strength to get through until my "someday" is here! Oh how I miss you and long for my "someday"!!!

Thinking of You

I haven't written here forever! This last month has turned out to be a hard one, and very emotional. First of all, it would be hard because of our work situation, but I think the stress of life has brought back all the stress of when we lost you. It's just been tougher! I think some of it has to do with moving back into the house in Sandy, where you lived pretty much your whole life. All the memories are there with you, and add that to the stress we are going through again, it's like its been the first few months after we loss you again! It's like De Ja Vu! I had a really bad day this last week especially. Kaylie has supposedly been seeing you again, it and really upset me to hear. I think I'm upset more at Scott and Shawnee still for all the rude things they've done to us, and to the whole family since Helmut passed away and it makes me mad that their family might be having close connections with MY Caydin when they won't even talk to his family! They don't deserve to have that experience! But, I know that's not fair, and Rob helped me to realize that Caydin will always spend more time with us as his immediate family than with others. I think I just miss Caydin so much and want to see him and feel close to him so bad that I get insanely jealous of anyone who might be having that opportunity, especially if I am having problems with those people to begin with! Anyway, I hope you will forgive your mother for still being so imperfect and weak so much. I'm sure it's my own weaknesses that keep me from feeling closer to you and having more spiritual experiences with you. I will try to be better! I love and miss you so much!

You have your papa back!

How papa has missed you! Besides your dad and I, I think he missed you the most! And now, you two are together again! I'm slightly jealous! I have often wondered who it would be that would get to see you again the soonest, and how appropriate that it's your papa. Loosing Helmut has brought back a lot of the memories of loosing you. It has made it so real and fresh again. It has also made it feel so much more real that I will get to see you again someday! I mean, I tell myself that all the time, but it's some far away "someday", but now for Helmut, it's a reality! And, I just saw him a week ago! And now he's with you! I wanted to tell him to give you a big hug from me. I hope somehow the Lord let him know that and he did it, even though I didn't get to tell him myself! Keep a close eye on us, especially the next few months when it's the hardest to adjust to our new life without papa, especially for your siblings. If you want to pop in a dream or something along that line to give a word of comfort, feel free! I would love to see you!

Time

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it moves fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes harder. When it comes to dealing with loosing you, it seems to do all these things at the same time! On one hand, I can't believe that at the end of this month it will have been 3 years since you passed away! The last three years seem like a blur they went by so fast! On the other hand, there are days that move so slow, and when I think of how many more years there most likely are still ahead before I get to see you again, time moves so slow! It can feel like it's going to be forever before I get to see you again! Once again, time has seemed to heal a lot of the hurt and pain of loosing you. Whole days can go by when I don't think about you in an emotional way. It's almost like saying I have blond hair; it's just a part of me. Then there are other days that I hate how much I have forgotten with the passing of time. I can't fully picture your face in my head anymore, just through pictures. I can't remember how your voice sounds, unless I'm watching home videos. I also can feel so weak in things I feel like I should be strong in. I can get mad at the kids sometimes so easily, and then I feel so bad because I wonder how I, who have lost a child and should know how precious each moment with them is, can allow my weak human imperfections to get so much the better of me! I look back at the times that I was impatient or mad at you and almost get overwhelmed with regret and wishing I hadn't been that way, yet then I turn around and get mad at the kids because they interrupt my pondering! How hypocritical is that! I feel like on one hand my faith is so much stronger and that the gospel is so much more real, but the next moment I realize how many of the simple and basic things I'm slacking off in! But, maybe it's just because it's August that I feel so weak. The hardest day of the year is coming up for me, and as much as I try to not think about it or dwell on your passing away, I think it's pretty much impossible for me. The two hardest things for me to deal with are one, missing you, and two, trying not to think of your accident the way I experienced it. Missing you will always be there, and it's a bitter-sweet thing. I miss you, which is so hard, but I have comfort in knowing where you are, and I have comfort in knowing we will be together again. Your accident is different. On one hand I can rejoice in the fact that your test was done and you went home. If that's the only way I could think about it, it wouldn't be so bad! It's my mortal mind that throws me off with memories of what I then felt and saw as a tragedy, and all the emotions that came with it. But, dwelling on it won't help, so I will stop here! I miss you a ton and love you!

Isaac's Birthday

I don't want to dwell on this for long because I don't want it to be a big deal. Isaac turned two yesterday, and I couldn't help but think how 2 birthday's were all we got to celebrate with you here in this life. I'm sure I thought about it when Eden turned two as well, and maybe even more when she turned three! When she turned three, I remember kind of thinking, yeah, we made it past two! I don't think I'll think that as much anymore, but with Isaac, it's more that I'm realizing that he's reaching the age you were when we last saw you, and he is reminding me so much more of you as he gets bigger! I'm kind of worried that this next year might be a little harder because I wonder if he'll go through or do things that will bring back more memories of you because it's the last things I remember with you. Eden wasn't so much like that because you and she are so different, and she's a girl. You and Isaac have so much in common, and just have those little boy attitudes more so he reminds me more of you. I almost want to have those flashbacks, though, just so I can feel closer to you, but at the same time, I don't ever want Isaac to feel like anything he does brings us pain, or that he can't be him without worrying about if it's like you and might make us sad. He is so special as him, and I don't want him to not think that ever! I know you are so strong and just want us to be happy! It was hard when Melanie was in her accident the other week. When we first found out and were on our way to the hospital, even though I knew she was relatively okay, about 5 minutes before we got there, I just burst into tears! I'm sure I might have anyway, but especially after loosing you, emergencies and hospitals are NOT my favorite! I was so glad when I got to go in and see Melanie, and hug and kiss her, and she was awake and able to look and talk back to me! I know you had to have been helping to watch over her! It does make me feel a little more comforted when I think how someone so close to me can be helping to take care of others who are close to me as well! I know how little control I actually have in this life, and I'm so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that God can do anything, so even though we are imperfect, he still takes care of us!