Happy Birthday!

"Oh how I miss you, wish I could kiss you, hug you hold you, it would be best to!" That song is going through my head like crazy today, and even though it is an upbeat song, I just feel like crying the whole thing! I'm so glad you were born into my life 5 years ago! As hard as it is to miss you, I would never wish it hadn't of happened because I love you so much! I have to admit that I'm weak today, though and wish you hadn't of died. I got a ward directory for the new ward yesterday and I've been pouring over it, seeing who everybody is, seeing who has kids close to my kids ages, and everytime I saw one that would have been your age, I can't help but think, oh, that's about what size you would be, or what age personality you would be at. Ever since we've moved I've been thinking about you a lot more, and as a result, today is ending up being a lot harder than I had thought it would be. I want to be happy and celebrate, but all I feel like doing is crying! The RS president and one of her counselors came over yesterday and I ended up telling them about you and what happened. I was relieved to tell someone here, but at the same time, it brought back the memories of loosing you again so now they are fresh, which makes today even harder! I think I should have made some kind of plans for today to celebrate your birth because now instead I almost feel like I'm wondering around in a kind of daze, not sure if I should be happy or sad, or what I should do! Do I live like it's a normal day, just like any other, or do I focus on you, but since I have nothing planned, spend it thinking of you and how much I miss you and wish I was planning a birthday party for my little boy! I know you want me to be happy, and I know you are happy where you are, so I'll try to be happier for you, for your presant! I love you!

Our New Home

So, we've been in our new home now for almost 3 weeks! At first the days were going by really slow, but now it seems like it's going by pretty fast! So far we haven't told anyone about you. The first Sunday we were here we only went to Sacrament, and really didn't talk to anybody. Last week we stayed for classes, and in RS, they asked me to introduce myself, so I told them my name, where we were from, and how many were in our family. It was kind of funny because when I said I had 4 kids, a couple of different people said things all at the same time. One lady next to me started saying that I should tell how old they all were, and for a split second I worried because I wasn't quite sure I wanted to explain to everyone on that first meeting about loosing you, so I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but right after she said that, a few other people started saying things, including one lady who had noticed EmmaLee in her car seat next to me, and she was telling everyone that I had one right here with me. It was kind of funny, actually, like it was a treasure hunt or something and she'd found the gold! Anyway, it distracted everyone enough that the lady conducting basically just summed it up saying that I had one with me and some in Primary. I said yes and sat down! So, nobody knows yet about you! The RS precidency tried to stop by yesterday to say hi, but they came right when Rob had a church basketball game, so we were at the church watching him play! So, they just left a little note. To be honest, I'm not sure which way I'd rather have it happen, in some mass way like it almost happened in RS, or individually. I guess it would kind of depend on the way they responded, which I won't ever know until it just happens! I've missed not being able to go to your grave since we've moved. I know you aren't there, but I still miss it just the same. I have felt like you've been able to be here with us, though. I find myself thinking about you randomly, and I wonder if it's because you happen to be here at that moment! A couple of days ago I laid EmmaLee down on the floor by the computer, and then I went into the other room for a couple of minutes, and while I was in the other room, I heard EmmaLee just laughing! I came in to see why, and she was just staring up at some random spot on the ceiling and just laughing! I wondered and hoped that maybe you were here talking to her, and I wished sooooo bad that I knew for sure and that I could see for myself if you were! In situations like that, I like to think that you are here, but sometimes I can almost get mad because I want to know for sure. I don't just want to think it's true so I can feel good inside if it's not really true! I know you must be able to come around sometimes, but there have been very few times when I have known for a fact that you really were around. There have been a lot of times when I have suspected you were, but I didn't know if it was the spirit whispering to me that you were, or just me wishing and hoping you were. In fact, I think there's really only been one experience where I knew without a doubt you were there, and I even had a witness! When my cousin Cody and his wife Karina got sealed in the Manti temple, I know you were there. We had to stand in the Celestial room for a few minutes before we got to go into the sealing room, and I remember standing next to your dad and talking to some family member about some totally unrelated thing when I suddenly got hit with the strongest impression that you were there. I even told your dad that you were there. That was special enough, but then we went into the sealing room, and the sealer started. Right at the beginning when he started talking, he was talking about how special this was, and then he point blank said that if there were any family members who had gone on before for us to know that they were there with us at that time! He didnt' say it exactly like that , but when he said it, I had to bow my head because I couldn't hold the tears back! And, a lot of family in the room looked at me when he said it because they all knew that Caydin was there as well, and lets just say there weren't a whole lot of dry eyes in the room. It was pretty special! So, since then, I have often wondered if when I randomly start thinking about you, if that means you are nearby. But, then I think that of course I'm going to think about you often, and I'm not sure you are able to be here every single time! So, then I wondered when you are, and when you are not. I also wonder if you can hear my thoughts or not. I mean, if I say something to you in my head, do you hear it? I know Heavenly Father and Jesus can hear my thoughts and know all, but how does it work with someone like you? Are you granted that priviledge of knowing what I say to you in my head, or would I have to say it out loud, and would you have to be present? Something tells me that you know how I am feeling, but I don't understand the connection really, and how much of one is there. I've read a lot of quotes, and books written by the general authorities, but I've never found anything that really addresses this topic. I mean, I remember one account by somebody whose either mother or father was having an extremely hard time dealing with the loss of their son, and I think the son came to them somehow and told them to not grieve for them so much, or something like that. So, I know they can know how we are feeling, but is it just from observation, or is there a bigger, deeper connection? And, if there is a bigger, deeper connection, is it only one sided? I don't feel your emotions. I mean, I know you are probably very happy, and in a very peaceful, spiritual and wonderful place, but even when I knew you were in the room, I didn't "feel" you. I think I wish I could feel you almost more than anything else! I feel the holy ghost, but I don't feel you. It's like talking to someone on the phone with a bad connection where you know they are there and can hear you, but you can't hear anything from them. I guess that's part of what the veil is, huh!? I'm grateful at least for my knowledge of the truth, even if I can't physically confirm it's truth, and I hope that someday I will be close enough to the spirit, or granted the blessing of maybe being able to be a little closer to you in an emotional way (or something like that-it's kind of hard to put into words exactly what I mean!!)!

Moving and Thanks Laura!

It's getting closer to when we are going to be moving down to Springville and while it hasn't been a huge issue, it has occured to me how much further away from your grave we are going to be. Also, as excited as I am to be getting into our own place, we are also leaving the only home we ever had with you here on this earth (if you don't count the four week escapade in Syracuse when you were a baby). These things aren't you, but they are some of the few last physical ties we have with you, so it's kind of difficult to leave them behind. Of course we will still come visit your grave, but probably not as often, and as long as your dad's parents don't move, we will also be able to visit the house. On the entry way wall, there is still some of your artwork in pen! I stop and look at it every once in a while and think about how you drew all those marks! I was somewhat upset when you did it because I didn't know how to clean it off, and it's not my house, so I felt bad! But, you passed away, and I don't have the heart now to even try to get rid of it! Luckily, there is multi-colored paint behind it, so it's not super obvious! I think what makes it so hard to think about leaving it all behind is I have a hard enough time remembering my memories of you very well, so once we are in a totally new place where nothing I see was ever related to you, it'll be even harder! But, I keep reminding myself that you are wherever we are, and I know this is going to be a really good thing for our family, to finally be in our own home! I think I get a little nervous too thinking about meeting new people and wondering how you will end up coming up. I mean, when we first get there, nobody will know you even exist, so I wonder how the conversations will go when you will come up. Even though you've been gone for over 2 year, I still am not an expert on how to talk about you to others. And, most of the time when I end up telling people about you, it shocks them and they feel awkward and don't know what to say. Sometimes I know how to make the moment easier for them and me, but other times I don't, and it's just uncomfortable. I want people to know that you exist and are a part of our family, but I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That's not totally what I mean, but I'm not sure how to put it into words, exactly. I like it when people talk to me about it and express their feelings and sympathise with me, and basically understand me and what it's like, or at least the best way they can. I don't want people thinking there is something totally different with me that allows me to be able to deal with this, so they won't even try to go there, or I sometimes worry that people think I use it to get attention. Most everybody I have contact with right now knows about Caydin, so I don't have to worry about it coming up in an uncomfortable way very often. Moving to a new place, nobody knows, so I worry and wonder what and how people will find out. I worry of how others are going to take it. I wish I was strong enough to not care, or smart enough to always know how to handle those situations tactfully, but I'm not. Sometimes the conversation is easy and smooth and actually makes me feel better, but other times it's awkward, weird, and uncomfortable. I think one of my problems is knowing when to mention it. I mean, when I first meet somebody, I don't want to be like, "Hi, my name is Diana and my son died" but at the same time, when you first meet someone, typical questions are, are you married, do you have a family, how many kids do you have, and how old are they?. Up until the last question, everything is normal, but then when the last question gets asked, I usually answer something like, "Well, my oldest would be almost 5, and then we have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a 4 month old." So, then the person is either too shocked to even ask about the would be almost 5 year old, but in those cases, they usually feel really uncomfortable and the conversation ends very soon after, or they ask about it, but even then I usually get one of two reactions. One, I tell them that he passed away and they are uncomfortable and not sure what to say, so the conversation usually quickly ends, or two, they actually talk to me a little about it and ask questions or give condolences. I prefer the last scenario because it makes it feel like it is just a normal part of my life, and helps me to feel understood. But, I don't blame people for any of the other scenarios, because lets face it, when you are first meeting somebody new, talking about that right away is often a little more personal than people feel like going with a new aquaintence! Sometimes, depending on the person and how we are meeting, I'll try to avoid telling them about Caydin just to avoid the awkwardness, but moving to a new place where we will be living for at least a year, it'll probably be people I'll be in contact with more often, so I don't want it to be some secret that nobody knows about for the first 6 months! It is a part of who we are as a family, and I don't want to pretend like it isn't! Not talking about Caydin isn't helpful to me, it just makes me feel like he's forgotten, and that kills me inside! Anyway, after much rambling, I hope any of this makes sense. It's so hard sometimes to describe in words what I'm feeling on the inside. I think it's hard too because sometimes I don't even know exactly what it IS I am feeling! That being said, I wanted to also thank my cousin Laura for leaving a comment. I've wondered if anybody ever read these, and I'm so glad to hear what you said! I have lived far enough away from your family and was young enough when Trevin (I hope I spelled it right) started having his problems that honestly I don't remember him any other way. You would think I would have thought of it before, but I haven't, about how his problems have affected your family, and how in a way, you are going through the grieving process of loosing a brother. And, it would be so hard to have him here physically, but know it's not him really on the inside! I agree with you whole heartedly that I don't understand how things can ever be made totally right in the end to make up for all the hurt that is going on now, but I do believe it can and will happen, and that's a thought that I often cling to when it all just seems like it's too much! Thank you again for writing, and if anybody else does read these, please, PLEASE do not be afraid to write something, or ask a question! I feel like a school teacher when I say this, but there are no dumb questions, and nothing you could say or ask will make me feel anything I haven't already felt before, or make it worse. Even though it can be hard to recount memories or feelings, most of the time I really do feel a lot of relief from talking about it! I often feel like a balloon that is about to burst. I try to hold it in because I'm afraid it might hurt coming out, but in the end the relief I get from it was well worth any pressure or hurt I felt releasing it!!

Sickness

Isaac has been sick for over a week now, and it's been hard! First, we took him into the doctors last Friday and found out that he had an ear infection. So, we started antibiotic. But, he seemed to get worse, so we took him back in on Monday, and found out he has RSV as well! We still have a nebulizer from the last time he had it last season, so the doctor just sent us home with some sample medicine since we won't have insurance until tomorrow! Last time when he had RSV, he had a really bad day, but as soon as we started the treatments, he quickly improved and got better. This time has not been like that at all! I actually took him back in on Tuesday because he had a worse night! They gave him a treatment there, and this time gave him steriods, and we came back home. He just didn't seem like he was getting over it very well. Wednesday was a little better, but still not much, and yesterday he woke up and seemed just as bad, so I was actually planning on taking him back in, but he took a nap, and about 20 minutes before I was going to take him in, he woke up and actually showed a lot of improvement! So, I didn't take him in! He's still had a bad cough that makes him dry-heave, and he's still been cranky, but finally he's at least playing and eating a little bit of some things! It was so hard, though, because for the 3 days that he was really sick I was debating all the time whether or not to take him into the ER or not. I hated having to feel so responsible for his well-being just because I was afraid of messing up and having some huge consequence happen to him because of it! But, at the same time, I didn't want to just rush him to the ER because I know what they would have had to do to him, and I know how much it would have traumatized him, and me, and I didn't want to do it unless he really needed it! So, I was so paranoid about if he was okay the whole time, but I was also super paranoid about going in! It was probably more exhausting mentally than physically! I'm so grateful he's finally feeling better! But, now EmmaLee woke up congested and coughing a little today, and I am sooooo hoping she doesn't come down with it because as hard of a time as Isaac had with it, EmmaLee would probably take it much harder because she's still so little. It scares me, even though I try not to let it, to think of any of my children in the hospital, especially with lung related issues! Even though you choked and were probably brain dead, technically you passed away from being incredibly sick from after effects of choking. You had a TON of fluid in your lungs, and the whole time we were in the hospital with you before you passed away, it was your lungs that were being treated and causing so many problems! We finally made the decision to let you go because it was your lungs that were having problems. Your oxygen levels started to drop and inspite the best efforts of the doctors, they were having a hard time keeping your lungs from basically drowning in fluid. They were down to one last possibility, but it involved taking out the respirator, which would have been extremely messy and physically traumatizing to your poor little body, and there was a much greater chance you wouldn't survive the procedure than it actually working. I remember standing over you and listening to the specialists talking about it and trying to decide if they should attempt it, and as I thought about it, I just knew I couldn't let them do that to you; you'd been through enough! That was the moment I knew I was going to have to let you go. I emotionally told them no, they couldn't do that to you. We already knew you were brain dead and had pretty much a 0% chance of ever living a normal life. Even if you had survived, you would have been a vegetable the rest of your life and pretty much on some kind of life support for the rest of that life, however long it would have been. So, it was at that time we made the decision to stop one of your medications. You're heart was the only organ in your body that was functioning even somewhat under it's own power, and even then it was only happening because of a medication. We know that because the night before you passed away, they had to replace the medication packet, which literally stopped the flow of that medicine into your body for about 5 seconds, and when that happened, you crashed, and they had to code blue you and start CPR. We were actually talking to the doctor about something in the room when it happened, and I remember him looking at us while they were trying to stabalize you again and asking us if we wanted them to continue trying or just let him go. I remember just crying and not knowing what to do, and Rob told him that he did want them to keep trying. It only took a few minutes, but they did stabalize you again, but it was so hard to sit there and watch it that your dad and I decided that if it happened again, we would just let you go. So, when they were talking about the respirator treatment, all I could picture in my head was another incident like that and loosing you in such a dramatic situation, and I couldn't do it. I wanted you to be able to pass away peacefully, not in a caotic, high tense situation, surrounded by strangers doing their best to keep you here when it wasn't meant to be. So, we decided it was time to let fate happen. The next decision we had to make was how to let everything happen. If we did nothing, all your vitals were just slowing down and starting to fail, like your oxygen intake. It was like watching you die slowely, and we had no idea how long it would take. It could have taken only a couple of hours, or it could have taken a couple of days! It seemed more cruel to me to let you go so slowely like that, so we asked what would happen if we took you off your heart medication. They said it would be peaceful, and would probably happen within a couple of minutes. I also felt like if you were meant to stay, since it was the one thing that you were somewhat doing on your own, your heart would keep beating even without the medication. So, we decided to stop the medication. But, before we did that, we let everyone who was at the hospital come in and say good-bye. Up to this point, the closest I had been able to be to you was laying by your side because you had so many things hooked up to your poor broken body that were so important that we couldn't risk anything pulling them off. Well, when we made this decision, they actually let us hold you. So, your dad and I took turns holding you for the next little while; I don't remember for sure how long it was. Time kind of didn't exsist for me at this time. Finally, Rob and I got a few minutes with you byourselves, and then we actually invited all the family back in again for your last few minutes with us on this earth. I remember holding you and once they stopped the medicine, watching your #'s and watching them drop lower and lower, until they finally stopped. I knew you had gone because a little bit of fluid came up into the tubing in your mouth, like it was a last sigh. But, I still had to ask the nurse, and when she confirmed it, I remember just burying my head into your still little body and just sobbing. So, when your siblings get sick and we have to worry and check their oxygen levels, it really brings back memories of loosing you, and it's really hard and stressful! It has almost the same amount of emotion as when someone chokes. It's like you died from two things, and I don't handle those two problems well now. So, I really hope EmmaLee doesn't get sick because I think I'm all emotioned out from trying to deal with Isaac!

Miss You

I don't think I can say much. I just miss you so much again lately! I've struggled a lot lately with thinking of how things could be if you were still here, and it just hurts so much! I've been feeling more anger lately as well, which I haven't had a lot of this whole time you've been gone. When I start to think of how things could be but then remember and know that they can't be that way right now, I start to feel some anger that I don't get to have you right now. I know things will be okay, and I know I'll get to see you again, and everything will be made right and even be better than they could have been right now, but it's still so hard right now to not get to see you, or have you here. Someone once sent me an e-mail that was a "be thankful for what you have" type of an e-mail, and one thing it mentioned was to be grateful you can tuck your children into their beds instead of having to visit their graves, or something like that. I've never forgotten that because it made me feel so many emotions. I'm not even sure I could describe all of my feelings, but a couple of stronger ones I had from reading that statement was feeling grateful that people acknowledged how hard it is to loose a child, and how much it really affects their whole life. I don't get to read you bedtime stories. I get to visit your grave. I don't get to see you right now. I get to try to remember my quickly fading memories of you, or watch home video or look at pictures that will never increase to include more, at least not for a long time. I have some bitter feelings from that e-mail, but only because I hate that I had to loose you and that it's true for me! I don't get to be grateful that I don't have to visit my child's grave instead of tucking him into bed! I hate being angry about loosing you because I would never wish to take away the glory that is now yours and make you come back or wish you back to this sin filled, trial ridden world!! I just miss you so much sometimes that I get tired of trying to be brave and strong. But, what's hard is that even when I'm tired, it doesn't change anything. As hard as it is sometimes to be strong and have faith, it's honestly harder to not be that way because then I loose my hope as well, and that's the darkest place to be. But, even with faith, I still miss your company, and I can't wait for the day when we get to be together again!

Halloween

This is a picture of you on your last Halloween here. We dressed you up as Matt Payne from the BYU football team! He was the kicker, but he was tough and we liked to watch him play! You were such a fan of sports, and this home made costume looked so cute on you! It is still one of my favorite costumes for all my kids because we spent the time to make it for you. You had a lot of fun trick-or-treating with Thomas and Laurie, and at the carnival. I hate to go here, but I wonder what you would have been the last two Halloweens if you were still here? What would you be into? So many of the kids at Thomas and Laurie's school who are in kindergarten were Spiderman! It was weird to see them in the Halloween parade because they looked so small and young! You wouldn't have been in kindergarten until next year, but some of those little kids would have been in your primary class age group, and were less than a year older than you would have been! The more time that passes the weirder it is to me to think of how I would be the mom of a 3 year old boy, and then a 4 year old boy, and this January, you would have turned 5! I try not to let myself go here much because it is so hard for me when I get stuck in the "what could have been" thoughts. I find myself going there more and more because my memories are fading, yet I still think of you everyday. So, instead of thinking of specific memories, I find myself thinking of now, and what might have been. I still have to remind myself and push myself to think of how you REALLY are right now, an amazing spirit on the other side doing amazing things I'm sure! And, I'm sure you are around watching over us and your siblings. I wonder if EmmaLee especially gets to see you often. I sometimes think about days ahead when your siblings will ask about you and I'll get to tell them what a special brother they have! I really miss you!!! I think I need to try to go to the temple sometime soon because I always feel more comforted after going there, partly because I always feel closer to you when I go there! I always hope that I'll have a dream about you, or some kind of special experience where I will get to feel you close, or even get to see you! I know it's possible, I just don't know if it's something I'll get to experience in this life. And, even if I do, who knows when it might happen! I'll probably never stop hoping for the chance until I do get to see you again, whether here or meeting on the other side! I love you my son!

Always thinking of you

I haven't been able to post on here for a long time! Having another baby has made it very difficult to get onto the internet, and it's hard to post on here because it's usually something emotional for me, and I don't want to rush it or try to post when I'm stressed out about kids! But, I don't get a lot of free moments to write when it's not rushed! Your anniversary day has come and gone. I can't believe it's already been over 2 years since we last got to see and hold you! How I miss you! The memory of your accident hit all too close the other week when a friends little girl choked, and for the few seconds it took for her to get the mint up, it felt like I was reliving the horrible moments when you didn't get the bacon back up. Nobody seems to realize how quickly it can really happen, and how close we all can be to death! I still try to remind myself in those situations that what I experienced and went through is not what you went through. I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you again! I love you!