Just Thinking

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, but I was just thinking about you. Your little brother is starting to get older and bigger, and reminding me more of you. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have you hear still, how you and Eden would get along and how you would be with your little brother. In less than 3 weeks you will be the oldest brother of 3 siblings, and you would have only been 4 1/2! Your dad and I were talking the other day about how you would have started kindergarten not this August, but next August! It's weird to think that we'd have had a kid in real school! But, someday we will still get that opportunity to raise you, and it will be wonderful! In the meantime, I know you look out for us and your siblings, and it awes me to think about how strong and glorious you must be! We are getting closer to your 2 year mark. I hope I can focus on all the positives and not get down. I mean, Eden's birthday is coming up, and then we're going to have a new baby, and hopefully dad will be getting a new job which will allow us to move into our own place finally, and I know you want us to be happy!

July

July and just summer in general can be a really hard time for me. You passed away right at the end of the summer, so my last and freshest memories of you are from doing all our summer activities. So, when we start doing summer things, I remember doing similar things with you, and it's the last memories I have. We still haven't ever been able to go camping again, and I'm not sure when we will. I mean, we've gone and stayed at more outdoor places, but only in a lodge, or motel or something like that. I think I worry a lot more about camping now with your siblings because that was the situation we were in when you had your accident. I think we will go camping again, but I think it will be a bitter/sweet experience. Also, it is just hard to camp with young children, and especially when I'm pregnant! But, I grew up camping and I love the outdoors, and I know you did too, so I'm sure that will still end up being a part of our family life. I don't want your siblings to not get to enjoy camping and being outdoors just because breaking the ice and trying to go again for the first time might be hard for me! I know it's possible, though, and I know part of that being able to go again is in my having faith that you went because it was your time to go, and we just happened to be camping when it happened. If I have enough faith to trust in Heavenly Father that he will protect my family no matter where we are, it won't be so scary. I mean, you didn't have to be camping to choke on something. It could have and had a better chance of happening at home! Anyway, to be honest, whenever I think of the month of July, my first thoughts are actually seeing the computer file of our pictures titled July 2005, and it means something to me because I know that's where almost all of your last pictures are! The picture I posted today came from that file! It was when we went up to Bear Lake with Bonnies family and stayed in Allan's mom's condo. We had a lot of fun on that trip. We went through the cave, and you were such a little trooper for that and wanted to walk for most of it! It didn't scare you, even when they turned the lights out for just a few seconds at the back. I remember holding on to the rail and walking back towards the light and thinking to myself how much it was similar to the iron rod and walking back towards the light of Christ. Little did we know that only a month later, and in the same town, you would go back to the light of Christ and to your Heavenly Father. How wonderful that must have been for you! I can't wait until we get to join you there and we can be reunited! I know you must be doing important and wonderful things. I wish I knew what you were doing and who you were helping! I know it must be marvelous! Thank you for being my son! I love you!

Hard Times

This has turned out to be a hard month! Both your dad and I really got hit with a missing you horribly spell this month. We always miss you, but as time goes, we take comfort in knowing where you are, and we are getting used to not having you around. You are always in our thoughts, but this last month I've had times where I felt like we just lost you recently and so the pain of not getting to see you physically has been really strong. Besides how hard it is trying to deal with just missing you, when we get this way, both your dad and I get a lot more paranoid with your siblings! I have a lot more fears of loosing them as well come up and it gets really stressful to do almost anything! Ironically, I find myself almost being a worse mom to them because I am so uptight and worried about everything all the time that I loose my patience really quickly because I'm so stressed out! Then I instantly feel guilty because I think and remember how lucky I am just to have them here, but then that guilt adds to my stress, and lets just say after a day of this, I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown! It's hard too because your dad and I seem to hit these phases at the same time, so we aren't able to help each other as much as we want, and sometimes add even more stress to each other! I think one thing that came up that might have stirred up some of our feelings was that Hailey wanted to have her birthday party up at her Grandma's condo at Bear Lake. All the family was invited, but of course we didn't want to go. I think everyone understood, but just having to bring it up and in a sense justify our feelings made us think back to your accident, which is always hard. For me, it was like it really hit me again what we went through and what happened to you. Most days, now, I am okay with the thoughts of how things are right now, that you are in Heaven, a wonderful and glorious spirit, helping to watch out for us, and still a part of our family, just in a different way. When I go back to the accident, the horror of my side of the experience always comes up, no matter how hard I try to not let it, and I remember how different it was to have you here with us where I could see you, hold you, and love you in person! Then it gets really hard. So, I think the reminder of Bear Lake and why we didn't want to go up there was kind of like a slap in the face of how things were and could have been. Ironically, after the emotion we felt from the whole thing, nobody ended up going up there! Helmut felt the same as we did and decided he didn't want to go, and Scott and Shawnee's family ended up not going, so Hailey and her family ended up going to a lake for the day anyway! I'm not mad at anyone for what happened, it was just one of those things that will happen occasionally that are going to be hard to not feel emotional about. Bear Lake is a great place, and we had a lot of fun there, and I understand other people, even in our family, will probably go there for things, but I think it's one place I just don't ever want to go again! I know I could probably get over it, but with so many other places we could go, I just don't feel like taking that one on! It took me a few times fishing again before I could go and not start crying at some point because it was something we did so much with you that you loved so much! Now I feel closer to you when I go fishing. With Bear Lake, the hard part is that while we have good memories of you there, we also have the hardest memories from there, and that won't change. With things like just fishing, they were good memories and I just cried because they reminded me of you, and it made me miss you. With Bear Lake, the memories forever burned in my head from there are nightmare ones that I don't care to relive! I'm not dramatic enough to say that I could never survive going to Bear Lake again because I know it wouldn't be that horrible, but I know it would be very emotional and hard, and why create those feelings if I don't need to? I mean, if I never go to Bear Lake again for the rest of my life, what difference does it make? I don't feel like it would be theraputic for me, so why create all those emotions and feelings when I don't need to. There are lots of places to go for vacation, and a vacation would be the only reason I would ever need to go to Bear Lake! It doesn't sound like a vacation to me, so I don't think I'll ever go back! I have to admit that I'm grateful that it did happen so far away and at a place I don't have to go or see everyday. It was hard at first to even be home where we had so many memories of you and where we noticed your absence so greatly, but at the same time, they were good memeories that reminded us of you. The memories of the accident are not that way, and will never be, so I'm glad I don't have daily reminders of what happened. I was so glad when Helmut and Shirley sold their trailer and I didn't have to see it or walk by it everytime we went out front or to the car! I never did go in it again! Anyway, I don't want to keep going on this negative streak. Hopefully I can feel closer to you soon in a positive way! Bonnie is going through the temple tomorrow for her endowments, and I'm sure it is something you will be at! I always look forward to going to the temple knowing that I have an even better chance of feeling close to you, but especially at family things, like weddings, and things like this!

2 years ago

I found a picture from June of 2005, two years ago from around now, and about 2 months before your accident. Guess what, we were doing a lot of the same things we are doing now! We were visiting places, ponds, and just enjoying nature! You loved to be outside and exploring! You were usually always pretty good about staying right with us as well! It's weird to me to see this picture because you were a toddler and Eden was a baby, and now our pictures are very similar, Eden's a toddler, and Isaac is a baby! The two differences are that you aren't here as a young child, and I'm pregnant again and about to have another baby! It was hard for me last summer to want to go out to places like we did with you because it reminded me so much of you it was hard. Now I think enough time has passed that while going outdoors still reminds me of you, it is a sweet memory and makes me feel closer to you. I feel like you get to be with us often, and especially when we go outdoors, since it was something you enjoyed so much when you were here! I sure miss you buddies! I've been struggling again lately a bit with memories of your accident. I don't like thinking about it, but I think sometimes I subconciously go there because while they are so emotional, because it was such a traumatic experience, it is also stronger in my memory and sometimes it's the clearest memories I still have of you! So, on one hand they are horrible memories, they are also the clearest and sometimes where I can remember you the best and you seem the most real to me again! It's really bothered me that it's taken me so long to remember experiences with you. It's like after you passed away, my brain was so shocked I formed some sort of amnesia that kept me from remembering you and what it was like to be your mom! It's started to come back to me, but only gradually, which is probably how it is suppose to be because if it all came back, it would be so overwhelming for me I'd probably not be able to deal with it! Anyway, I'm not sure I can deal with all these emotions right now, so I'd better leave things alone right now, but I love you and can't wait for the day I get to hold you in my arms again! Thank you for being so wonderful!

Memorial Day

So, another Memorial Day has come and gone, thank goodness!! I realized this year that Memorial Day, your birthday, and the date of your passing are probably three of the hardest days for me! I really want to change that, though! I've decided that on your birthdays, I really want them to be happy. I want to have them be a day of celebration that you were born to us and are a part of our family! I don't want to ever think of it as "you would have been ** years old" type of a day. I mean, I will always know which birthday it would have been for you, but it's too hard for me to think of it what could have been. Instead, I just want to focus on that day about you as a person, spirit, and permanent part of our family, and remember you and celebrate what is true and what really is. I mean, you fulfilled your mission here on earth, and that all started with the pre-existance, your birth here, and then your death here, which led to eternal glory for you where you are now! How wonderful and lucky I am as your mother here on earth to get to be a part of that journey with you! That's what I want to celebrate and think of on your birthdays. Hopefully that will help that day not be so hard. As for the day you passed away, about the only positive with that one is to try to focus on your side of the experience, that you passed your test and earned eternal salvation, but it's probably always going to be a hard day. It seems no matter how I try, when I think of that day, or when it starts to come up, I remember a lot more of my experience of the whole thing, and they aren't fun thoughts! Hopefully I'll get better at controlling my thoughts as time goes by. As for Memorial Day, I once again found myself feeling down and sad, almost like I thought I was "suppose" to because that's what that day is for! But, I realized this year that it doesn't need to be like that. I enjoy visiting the graves of other ancestors who have gone, but most of them I never knew, or was so young that I really didn't know them anyway. I think it's a great day to enjoy focusing on family history and making the effort to visit and think of those that might have gone before, but as for you, it should be a day just like any other! I mean, we visit your grave at least once a week, most of the time more than that, so it's nothing new or different for us to go put something on your grave, and we think about you daily, so it's not like we need a reminder to do so! I have to admit, though, that while I like visiting other graves with family, I wasn't able to do so with your grave. I think it's still so close and personal that for your dad and I, we just couldn't bring ourselves to go there with everybody else because we didn't know how everybody else was going to act, or what they were going to say, and we worried about getting too emotional about it, or getting offended over something we shouldn't just because we would have been so sensitive. There are some people I wouldn't mind going to your grave with, but others are still difficult to do it with. I'm glad they went, but I wasn't ready to go with them. We took flowers up to your grave last Friday night, and we did go by on Sunday after everyone else was already gone, but once again, it was almost weird to have so many people around! We visit so often, and usually there might be only one other person there, if that! It seemed almost caotic with so many people around, and we are more used to spending our time there with more peace and privacy! I'm glad people come, but it was almost sad to me that people often only take that one day of the year to make an effort to go visit and think about some of these people. I know I'm guilty of it as well, and I understand more if it's an ancestor that's been gone for a long time, or that you never knew personally, but I think it can still be hard for me that so many close family members of our family don't even take the time to visit your grave, even on Memorial Day, let alone every other day of the year! I think there are some people who are pretty close who haven't even been back since your funeral! But, I know I have to be careful because you aren't at your grave, you are in Heaven, and it is more important to just remember you and try to feel close to you anytime and anywhere than to think it can only happen if you visit a grave. I think about the pioneers who had to bury loved ones along a trail, or bury them at sea, and they never got to revisit a grave! An ancestor on your Grandma Dickey's side was traveling to the US on a boat with her two small children. One child got sick and died on the boat, and she had to bury him at sea. Then, just days before they reached land, her other child also passed away, but she couldn't bring herself to bury him at sea as well, so she hid him until they reached land and then she buried him. I cried when I read this story, and my heart just broke for this ancestor who I haven't met, but I had to remind myself that she has been reunited with both of her children and carries that pain no longer! How wonderful! She has had her happy reunion with her beloved children! I can't wait for that day for us! I wonder if you have met them, and I'm sure you have! How cool! Anyway, I hope Memorial Day doesn't continue to be a day that I struggle with feeling happy!

Sore Spot

I have to get this out because it's something that comes up occasionally that hurts that I don't quite know how to deal. Every once in a while I get emails from friends that have some "important" message about how to keep kids safe from some harm that nobody knew about before. Usually there's some tragic story of a family that had some horrible thing happen to one of their kids, and now they are trying to get the message out to others so the same thing doesn't happen to their kids. Honestly, I understand why they want to tell people, and on one hand I can see where letting people know about things really is important. But, on the other hand, I am a person that HAS been through a horrible incident that I never dreamed could happen, and sometimes I disagree with the way things are talked about or dealt with. I think part of the problem is that when I read about other people's experiences, it's too close to home and brings up emotions stronger than I am sometimes able to handle. I mean, I sympathise with the people completely, but there's nothing I can do from reading an email to help them or comfort them, so all it does in the end is make me sad. And, what's hard about just reading the sad story is that you don't see the people now and see that even though things are sooooo hard, life does go on and things happen for a reason! All you are left with is sadness for the family with no closure in it for you for them, and a new fear of some horrible thing that you now have to try to prevent from happening to your children and loved ones! One big thing I had to learn very quickly after loosing Caydin was to not fear life. I mean, Caydin died eating something that he'd eaten many times before, and that I never even thought was a choking hazard. He was eating! How many times in a day do we all eat food, most of it something that needs to be chewed, and it killed my son! All the time after he died, and still at least once a day, I think about how we are eating or have to eat, and how just by doing that simple and necessary act, we could all literally be a minute away from death!!! How intimidating is that!!! And, what do you do to prevent it? Make sure you and your family only ever eat puree for the rest of our lives?! Not very realistic, or appatizing! Unless I wanted to go insane with fear and panic, I had to figure out some way to not let it scare me. I had to turn to the Lord and ask for help and strength, and what it came down to for me was having enough faith to truely believe that those who are doing their best to live the best life they can will not be taken from this earth until it is their time. And then, if and when it is their time, it will happen, one way or the other. Children are innocent, so any child that dies, dies pure and only when it is their time. Heavenly Father can prevent anything for anybody, but sometimes it isn't His will, and when that happens, we just have to trust Him that he loves all of us unconditionally and that in the end, things will be all right. We might not know how He can fix them, but He can and will, and we just have to trust in His love for us, and our loved ones. People are imperfect, and this world is imperfect, so imperfect things will happen, but God knows all and will get us through anything if we turn to Him and trust in Him with all our hearts. Healing might not come completely till the next life, but we have that to look forward to at least! And, in the meantime, while we know we need to do our best and gain as much knowledge as possible, there does come a time when I think we need to just let it go and trust that Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost will let us know when we need to take extra precautions or go do something! I think another reason it can be hard for me to get advice emails is because I felt like I had the knowledge of how to save my son, but it was his time to go, so even though I had that knowledge, it wasn't enough to save him. I know that's not a reason to not seek or learn knowledge, but I learned that even having knowledge won't prevent or change something if it's not meant to. There are so many things that could happen every minute of every day that to pick out just a few things to fear more than others is only creating fear and worry and making it harder to just enjoy the minutes and days we do have with our children and loved ones because we never know how long we have with any of them! Anyway, I know that the friends and people that send the emails are only doing it because they love their children and wouldn't want anything to happen to them, and they feel a certain responsibility to share information once they learn of it, so I don't feel mad or angry at them. It's just hard because while I understand why they do it, it doesn't make it any easier for me to know exactly how to deal with it and the emotions it creates in me. I think some of it might be that when I read them, I do feel panic and fear, and have to remind myself and reteach myself what I learned with Caydin. It's like I go back to ground zero with my emotions of that incident, and like I said, because the emails only tell of the peoples sadness and rarely of how they are dealing with it and moving on, they are usually very depressing and sad. It's like watching a movie with a sad ending, you leave feeling sad an depressed and hopeless when in most cases, that's not even how the family ends up feeling! Yes it's emotional and sad, and you never really "get over" it, but the story doesn't end with the tragedy. It goes on, and I truely believe will have a happy ending, but not completely until the next life when we all get to be reunited again! I do feel very much for people that have been through tragedies that don't have the gospel, or even any kind of religion! That would be a situation where I think it would be very difficult to be able to find any kind of comfort, and where in an effort to find some kind of closure or purpose in what happened, they would feel like letting people know what happened to them to help prevent it from happening to somebody else would become a major goal and focus in life. If you believe that life is just random and that there isn't a loving God who you can trust, helping others to prevent a certain situation would seem like a huge deal! And, I know there are things that should be taught to people and knowledge is important! I just think, at least for me, there is a certain line where it goes from good prevention knowledge to just simply spreading more worry and fear.

Where You Are

Last night was a little tough because I had to try to explain to Eden how you used to live here with us, but how you now live in Heaven! Eden is finally getting old enough I think to start understanding a little more about what happened to you. Your dad was missing you last night, and when I told Eden that he was just missing Caydin, Eden tried to give him a "pretend" Caydin. We've told Eden before that you can be with us all the time in our hearts, but I think it's confused her a little so she doesn't quite understand that when we miss you, it's because you were and are a real person. So, when Eden tried to give your dad a pretend Caydin, I tried to explain to her that while you can be with us in our hearts all the time, sometime we just miss being able to hold you and give you hugs and kisses. It was hard to talk about because saying it out loud that we don't get to hold you made the emotions even stronger. I'm sure it's actually better for us to talk about, even though it makes us sad, because when we hold it inside, it tends to build up until we finally blow with major emotions! It's kind of funny because as time passes, I think I somewhat have things figured out on how to deal with what's happened, but then things come up that catch me off guard that present new struggles and I have to figure out how to deal with them! I've known that eventually there would come a time when your siblings will get old enough that I will have to talk to them about you and what happened, and answer their questions about things. I just hope when those times come, I will be able to say the right things in the right way!