Happy Birthday!

Well, it's been a couple of years since I wrote on here.  Grief is so unpredictable; it is constantly changing.  Sometimes it is helpful to write about things, and other times it isn't, and you never know how long a particular mood will last!  Life has also been busy with five small children still here to keep me busy and distracted.  You would have been 11 today which is so hard to believe!  What would life have been like if you were here?  It got a little easier for me when more time passed because it is honestly harder and harder for me to picture what things would have been like because you are my oldest, so nobody else have been where you would be yet.  I'm no as aware of who is your age in the area, so it helps me not think about it very much, which is good as it is these thoughts that can bring me down the hardest and fastest!  But, I can't help every once in a while to wonder what it would have been like.  What kinds of things would you be into?  You always loved sports, especially soccer, so would you have been into that, both with wanting to play outback, and on video games and watching it?  How would you have interacted with your siblings?  It's weird now to think of Eden not being the oldest.  How would all your siblings be different if they still had you around?  You were so sweet to Eden, and I think you would have been good to your siblings, even though I know there would have been fights as well!  I'm sure you would have wrestled with Isaac and Ammon!  Isaac has talked about how he wishes he had you here to play with.  I'm sure you would have still loved fishing, and you, Dad, and Isaac would be quite the fishing group, with Eden likely still going along as well!  I wonder how often you check up on us?  I know you must be busy with important things, and that you are in a place of peace.  I wish I could tell when you are with us more often, but maybe that would be harder in some ways, too.  Despite the hard road this grief is, I'm so grateful you were born to me and in my life here, even for such a short time.  I still remember when I got to hold you for the first time in the hospital.  You laid on my shoulder, and I can still almost feel your soft hair on my cheek, and smell that sweet new baby smell as I breathed you in!  I wouldn't give that up for anything!!!  I love you and miss you sweet buddies!

Five Years

Five years ago right now we were sitting in a PICU room with you, trying to figure out what was going on and how our lives could have changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time! I'm doing better today than I thought I would, and tomorrow we have several things planned that will help keep me from allowing myself to think too much about what happened five years ago. I still haven't figured out the best way to deal with this day. It always brings back memories of my side of the experience, even though I try really hard to think of your side instead. It is a day of celebration for you; you passed your mortal test and "graduated" back to heaven; for you a place of peace and glory! I almost feel like it is a day to celebrate, but then the reality of what I went through and what happened, and how much I miss you hits me, and I think, maybe it's a day for quiet celebration. The bigger deal I make of the day, the harder it becomes, even if I try making it a positive day! I don't think I've totally recovered from the trauma of my side, and I'm not sure when I will, or even if I will until I get to see and hold and kiss you again!

So, on this the eve of the 5th anniversary of the last day on earth for you, I hope you know how much I love and miss you, and how grateful I am that you are my son!

Happy Birthday!

7 years ago tonight I was in labor and wondering if you were EVER going to come out of me! But, sure enough, shortly after midnight, you came out; not the way we thought you were going to, but out you came! It was well over an hour after you were born before I got to hold you because of my recovery and because you were running a slight fever, but when I finally did get to hold you, it made it all worth it! You were so soft, and I remember just rubbing your hair and just loving the feel of you next to my body! It is so weird to think you would be 7 in just a couple of hours! Since you were my oldest, it is always kind of hard to imagine what it would be like if you were here. I've never been the mom of a 7 year old, even though I've been a mom for 7 years. I don't know how time works in Heaven, but I know it's different than here, but I hope the moments that are tomorrow here will be one of celebration for you there. Even though it is hard for me to think about what you are not here to do and celebrate, your birthday will always be a very happy occation! It's the day our spirits got to be connected in more ways than one, and that will NEVER change! I love you, and am so grateful for your entry into my life 7 years ago!

4 Long Years Later

This is a day late, but yesterday marked 4 years since you left us. I can't believe it has already been 4 years! It feels like a different life time since I held you, kissed you, watched you, knew you. And yet, I wonder, how long before I actually get to see you again? Four years has lasted a lifetime it seems like, yet I doubt it is even close to half way to when I get to see you again. There are still so many more years ahead. Part of me hates this thought and wishes I could see you right now, but the other part of me hopes I won't because I don't want to leave your dad and siblings yet either. I feel my heart is in two places. Isaac is getting so big now, and I can't help thinking sometimes what it would be like if you were still here to play together. You are both such boy boys. I'm sure you would have been wrestling, playing ball, driving RC cars, and all sorts of other fun boy things! But, it doesn't help thinking about what could have been because it isn't. I know you are doing amazing things and are happy. I hope I am able to be strong so when we meet again, I will feel worthy of being your mom! I love you buddy!

In My Thoughts

You are in my thoughts today. I don't really have any words to say, but I'm thinking of you. I'm getting more paranoid with the kids lately. I'm always worrying about accidents. Maybe it's because we are so unstable in our lives right now, but it is becoming a huge struggle for me. I picture them falling off the deck, or down the stairs, or some other thing. I try to remind myself that if they are meant to go, they will, no matter how careful I am, and I try not my worries affect them in a negative way. Some days are easier than others. Life is hard right now. I hope it gets easier soon.

Another Grandpa

Well, Caydin, you have another Grandpa up there with you now! At first, you were with lots of family, but only family that I didn't know very well. Now you are starting to get more family of familiar faces, at least to me! I so badly wanted to tell both Helmut and Grandpa to say hi for me and give you a great big hug and kiss from me, but I wasn't able to tell them that before they went. I secretly hope that they knew. I miss you so much, and it's brought all my thoughts and emotions about you right back up to the surface again loosing grandpa. I will miss him so much too. And, it has made the reality of seeing you again more real again. To survive each day, it's like I've had to accept the fact that my relationship with you is a more distant one right now. I have come to accept my "angel" in heaven and become more used to thinking of you in that way, and accept the fact that it could be a while before I get to see you again. "Someday" I will see you again, and "someday" I will get to hold you again, but for my heart to function even somewhat normally, I don't think so literally of when that "someday" might actually be. So, when grandpa went home, suddenly I remembered that there WILL be a someday, and I wish for it so much! I think the whole first day I found out Grandpa passed away was spent just trying to soak in the realization that his "someday" was finally here! He was only 12 years old when his 8 year old brother, Charles, was hit and killed by a car. He had to wait until he was 78 years old for his "someday", but now it is a reality! I just pray for strength to get through until my "someday" is here! Oh how I miss you and long for my "someday"!!!

Thinking of You

I haven't written here forever! This last month has turned out to be a hard one, and very emotional. First of all, it would be hard because of our work situation, but I think the stress of life has brought back all the stress of when we lost you. It's just been tougher! I think some of it has to do with moving back into the house in Sandy, where you lived pretty much your whole life. All the memories are there with you, and add that to the stress we are going through again, it's like its been the first few months after we loss you again! It's like De Ja Vu! I had a really bad day this last week especially. Kaylie has supposedly been seeing you again, it and really upset me to hear. I think I'm upset more at Scott and Shawnee still for all the rude things they've done to us, and to the whole family since Helmut passed away and it makes me mad that their family might be having close connections with MY Caydin when they won't even talk to his family! They don't deserve to have that experience! But, I know that's not fair, and Rob helped me to realize that Caydin will always spend more time with us as his immediate family than with others. I think I just miss Caydin so much and want to see him and feel close to him so bad that I get insanely jealous of anyone who might be having that opportunity, especially if I am having problems with those people to begin with! Anyway, I hope you will forgive your mother for still being so imperfect and weak so much. I'm sure it's my own weaknesses that keep me from feeling closer to you and having more spiritual experiences with you. I will try to be better! I love and miss you so much!